Note; Kindly don't mind my grammar, English is my third language.
Back in 2019 I stumbled upon FDS while scrolling reddit, until then I had been a pick me and given men who didn't deserve a chance multiple chances. Everything changed when I started using FDS guidelines.
I was dating and vetting multiple men for the better part of 2019 and I met this man who checked a lot of my personal preference and aligned to the FDS guidelines, after having him around and vetting he asked me to be his girlfriend in February 2020. We started dated and honestly it was one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had, he constantly reassured me, prioritized me, initiated at any chance, spent money on me, always reached out first, introduced me to his friends and later his brother whom they were so close and helped me get my first job.
6 months in we moved in together with an engagement timeline of 5 months, I was hesitant to move in with him at first purely for personal reasons ( I lost both my parents at 17 and went ahead to staying alone, I was so used to my personal space that giving it up entirely was a tad bit of a struggle) . Once we started living together he was just as lovely, he cleans equally and most times more than me, he enjoyed looking and did majority of the cooking, he provided fully for the household and I was able to do other things with my own money.
Its important I add that he was so gentle even when we were having normal couple fights, he stood up for me when his asshole sister disrespected me and that severed their relationship but he did choose me, he has given me multiple orgasms and is very respectful and always goes out of his way to make me happy. In short I was ready to be with this man because he is great.
However, last week I went to support a female friend who was launching a nail parlor and with the celebrations I had too much to drink. I came back home a bit too tipsy and felt like I wanted to have sex and tried to initiate it but he let me know he wasn't feeling it because of how drunk I was ( which I understand), my recollections of the night are a bit all over the place because of course I was drunk, but one thing led to another and I overreacted because of the rejection and it quickly turned into an argument. Granted my state, I did yell at him.
He walked away for a minute and then came back to get drinking water from the dispenser at the living room, at this point I was seated down on the sofa and still in the middle of the fight, so he yells 3 times at me to "shut up" and when I didn't he walked across the room and threw water on my face, the same water he had on the glass. I panicked and started crying, he immediately starts comforting me and apologizing. The next day he asks for forgiveness but says he will be okay with any decision I make including ending the relationship but begs me for a second chance, I asked for time apart and he got himself an Airbnb.
My dilemma is, of course I was out of line with my drunk behavior, but did I deserve water thrown on my face?. Also have I fucked up?, I haven't spoken to him but he has sent me lots of apology texts, he says he is willing to go to therapy for his anger management, I am really tempted to try work it out but I'd love an outside perspective.
Update - Thank you all for your advise, I have read all the comments and I appreciate each one of you for trying to help me out. I made the decision and broke up with him and moved out of our previously shared home, am still trying to settle in but its coming along nicely. I also started therapy and so far I have had one session with another one scheduled soon, thank you ladies for helping me see what I deserved and for giving me the extra nudge i needed to push through. The breakup did take a hit on me but am excited for the next phase of life. Thanks once again queens.
Men don’t usually offer to go to anger management for messing up once. Something doesn’t add up here.
Also I think you need to look past the good treatment when you’re making a decision. If you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, abusers can treat their partners well, cooking and cleaning, good sex etc especially at the beginning of the relationship. How else are they going to hook their victim and convince them to stay? Some still treat their partners well in between intermittent cycles of abuse. Many victims can’t leave because of the good treatment and the longing to recapture that.
When men say they have "anger issues", they mean they have patterns of abusive behavior. It was all fairly justifiable anger until he threw water at your face. That is an act of abuse, because he escalated the fight to physical force when it was purely verbal before. Men always justify their abuse with things like "I just wanted her to wake up", "I needed to be this drastic to make her understand", "She provoked me" etc. You did not deserve this. Please watch out for other signs of abuse. Has he ever made backhanded comments, disrespected a boundary, gotten angry when things weren't going his way?
I’ve never told my partners to shut up and I would never dream of throwing water in someone’s face like that. Just reading this made me feel humiliated and degraded on your behalf. I think he’s dialing up his abusive behavior now that you’re hooked. He saw this as an opportunity for dominance and power.
He sounded great until then. Damn. The shucking water in your face is such a strange overblown reaction to a drunk tantrum. It’s so abnormal even to get so worked up by a drunk person. Something really doesn’t add up. You were drunk and I feel like he saw it as an opportunity to let his mask slip. A man that would in the midst of a trivial argument where you’re inebriated, tell you to ‘shut up’ multiple times, and then walk up to you, with deliberate intent and throw his water in your face? Throwing a drink implies contempt, and it’s also usually a spontaneous action. His wasn’t. I think he really wanted to push your boundaries in a major way and express his disdain. It’s just so strange. He, the sober person escalated a verbal squabble to a physical one. Abusers typically play the long game, and can mask as HVM for long periods of time. His immediate suggestion of anger management does not calm my heckles. It seems so well thought out. Like he’s accustomed to this. Perhaps it’s time to really look into any long term r/ships he had with his exes for this behavior. For some reason it doesn’t read as a benign one-off incident.
Today it's water thrown in your face. Tomorrow or next week, it's a full on beat down that will land you to in the ER.
This man is an abuser. I won't waste your time with long paragraphs but heed this: Run.
i feel like you could find a guy with every good quality he has that is also better at deescalating. in an ideal world you wouldn’t have been “out of line” and he wouldn’t have snapped but he turned a verbal altercation physical. what happens during the next fight could be so much worse
Hmmmm you mentioned that he’s gentle when you have normal couple fights but during this fight he yells at you to shut up three times and then throws water on you? And the issue in question wasn’t even super important. Your behaviour didn’t warrant such treatment. His behaviour is unacceptable, maybe the start of smth abusive (abuse is a pattern). Something is really not adding up. Examine his past behaviour, control and coercion needn’t necessarily manifest itself in screaming and yelling and physicality. And if it’s truly out of the blue, I’m still concerned at this sudden switch in behaviour. Perhaps he’s particularly good at masking and it’s finally dropping. You’ve only recently moved in with him.
You might have been so impressed by his good characteristics that you had on rose colored glasses when he was showing you his bad qualities. This has happened to me when a man impresses me at first and ill make excuses for his bad behavior.
I don't think it's normal to argue so much when you're with someone you're very compatible with, and you deserve someone who would never ever think of getting physical during an argument.
I've seen a woman arrested for splashing her husband with water from her cup during an argument. It was considered assault and the police took her to jail.
I am worried he will escalate this sort of behavior if you choose to stay. I don't think you're overreacting and I think your gut is telling you what you need to do.
focus on your new job and count your blessings he dropped his mask before the wedding. Be on your own and build an awesome solo life.
Please tell us you're breaking up with him🙏🏻 this is not safe, things will only get worse from now on. I've never had a boyfriend throw water on me in the middle of a heated argument, only abusers will cross the line and make things physical.
I'm relieved you have a good job and he moved to an Airbnb so this is your chance: run while you still can!
Definitely break up. It won’t get better. I’m a big fan of the expression “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He’s shown you his true colors and it’s not acceptable. Sorry that it’s such a crappy situation for you. :(
I’ve just realised that the most obvious red flag is that he needs help with anger management in the first place. Done deal.
Nope, his behavior is a red flag, I think. On top of what everyone else said, you had a timeline of 5 months for the engagement after moving in... two years ago ? Did I misunderstand ?
I don’t think this is acceptable. It’s a sign of foreshadowing more physical abuse. I would leave. I know how hard it will be for you but I think you may be at risk of being with someone who could potentially seriously hurt you physically. To throw water in someone’s face is just really shocking for me to hear. Like what kind person would ever do that??
It sounds like a good move to break up. The line has been crossed.
When it comes to relationships, I no longer tolerate drunken, belligerent treatment, and though I wouldn't throw water or physically escalate, I would consider that a deal breaker, whether from friend, family or lover.
We are responsible for our own behaviour, and for getting out when the other person's behaviour has crossed that line. The water, the yelling, the long text: If that is your line, that is your line.
Get out, yes, and keep examining your own behavior through the lens of personal growth.
I was in a relationship with an abuser for a year and a half. He would email me really long messages too. It’s not normal. Seriously please leave. I’m concerned about you.
I hope your decision next is to break up with him, block and delete. Also, you dated for 3 years and living together for 2 years? If you are not engaged within 1.5-2 years then you should’ve dumped him .. throwing water and yelling at you is abusive even if you yelled at him. He has more power over you. This is a very bad sign so please leave this abusive scrote as it will only get worse from here.
Yeah, it’s abuse. There’s no reason for him to ever throw water in your face, even if you’re being drunk and obnoxious. Don’t go back to him.
If the situation was reversed, would you scream at him to shut up and throw water in his face? Or would you walk away till he calmed down? He should have gone for a walk or removed himself from the situation if he was that upset. I had an ex who was almost perfect like this. However, almost a year into dating we had an argument. He flung something across the room. I forgave him. Going back was the worst decision I ever made. Things only got worse. It foreshadowed the physical abuse I was going to endure. I truly thought I knew this man. I truly thought he's never do that. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have had arguments but my father has never sworn at my mother, told her to shutup, threw anything at her or across the room or ever laid hands on her. Normal men don't do this. It's bare minimum. What he did to you is physical abuse. Regardless of him being great in the past he still physically and emotionally abused you. From experience I can tell you to walk away.