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Context: I'm a 27 year old woman from India. My parents had an arranged marriage, and my mother's criteria was simple: well educated, stable family (no broken house, mommy's boy, smoker or drinker), shares the same values.
My father and her have been together 29 years and people refuse to belive they didn't have a love marriage. They complement each other and thanks to this, I waited till I was 26 to date the right person. No rushing, no scrotes all thanks to my dad's advice of "If you don't respect them and they don't respect you, don't waste your time."
Unfortunately for me, because I'm bisexual, both of them expect me to settle for a man.
They do have some FDS aligned standards such as education, feminist values, mutual respect and trust, stable financially, ambitious and value alignment. They have also promised to not make me feel pressured into marrying, through they have made it clear time and time again that I need a partner.
I shared an extremely long list of my requirements from a partner (pre-FDs) and they found it too much to expect from a guy or his family. India is unfortunately still very patriarchal, though things are getting better as women become more financially free and emotionally secure.
I don't feel like finding a man that fits my high standards is possible. Moreover, I am currently with a female partner who essentially ticks all my boxes, treats me right, communicates with me, shares my values and ambition as well as a few interests. She's not afraid to share her fears with me or do hard and tough things that she used to be apprehensive of such as seen therapy. She spoils me like a HVM man is supposed to, with thoughtful gifts, supports my career and academic goals and makes sure I don't beat myself up. We are each other's biggest cheerleaders.
Why should I be expected to throw this away?
I personally have strong beef with 'conditional feminism' of indian parents. They will only advance your interest if you advance theirs not because you're their child and they should support you unconditionally. Recognise that even tho you love them they have no say in who should you date or marry. And no your standards are not too high, if a woman can fullfill them why can't a man? Just lowering the bar for men more and more. You don't need to give up on your partner. Not to mention Indian parents in general are so hush hush about what goes inside the relationship from their children. You probably don't know all the sacrifices your mom had to make behind the scene which she keeps quiet about or herself doesn't recognise. And I personally think there is no way to vet a man in an arranged marriage scenario, the whole process itself is patriarchal. My advice: level up, get a good job away from your parents or any place where you feel suffocated and live life on your terms.
If you have the option to not date a man and be with a woman instead why not?? Your girlfriend sounds lovely. I hope your parents can accept you both if not their loss and failure
Following. I am an Indian woman (21f tho) with the same kind of parents, although I am pushing off dating to after 25 and marriage to after 30.
Indian parents (atleast the current parent generation and older) have a very very dodgy and LV relationship. They mask it so so well and make it seem like "they made it through thick and thin despite all hardships". Even though all those hardships are all man made by either scrotey husbands or garbage inlaws and relatives, which in turn corrupt the wives into displaying toxic behaviour with time. I absolutely detested being in my own house and haven't turned back ever since I found my first job close to 10 years ago. Had a massive pickme phase in between but now that my eyes are open, yea, I'm becoming friends with my past teenager self once again. She used to follow her instincts without debate and I need to bring that back :) Don't get me wrong, they definitely worked hard to raise me and tried their best, but that's the thing-- they tried THEIR best. It definitely could have been better. I have no reason to wage a war against arranged marriages, they seem to work well for some peeps who are on the same page. However, in my experience, when my parents went crazy around my 28th bday and made me meet scrotes with families for arrange marriage, all of them wanted me to resign n come back to live with the scrote because otherwise, who will cook for my poor hardworkig son, no? (I have a well paying job overseas) on top of that my parents insisted on lying about my salary because they couldn't find anyone who earned more than me and wanted to protect scrotes' egos, and also avoid gold diggers. Why put me up in the market with so many dodgy families like an object? As an Indian, I am always happy to point out the good things that could result out of our culture if everyone had a clean heart. But that is not the reality, and I am not ashamed to point out the garbage situations that families and parents create for women in India sometimes.
I am so happy that you’ve discovered your bisexuality before marrying a man. I wish that I’d done that. Though I have two lovely children now and my husband is reasonably high value. But probably, if I’d realised I was bi, earlier I’d be happier and childfree. Stick with your partner, she sounds amazing, don’t be tempted/pushed into trading her for a man.