I'm just interested in your opinion and details about your standards, if you're willing to share them. Reading about how other women apply their standards in real life has always eye-opening to me. People aren't perfect, and even a HVM isn't a flawless hero. The definition of high value is someone who has good character traits, sure, but nobody has only strengths, so it's also someone who adds enough value to your life to offset any small annoyances. Provided someone gives you the attention, affection and resources you desire, what would you be willing to overlook? Just to clarify, I'm not looking for advice on where I should draw the line, this is something I regularly evaluate on my own (as anyone should). I'm just interested in other viewpoints :) Also, I'm not here to shame others for their standards, of course.
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Erectile dysfunction of any kind.
My barebones, most essential dealbreakers are: dishonesty, cruelty, laziness, slovenliness, poor hygiene, poor physical fitness, stinginess, emotional unavailability, tardiness, no life goals or career ambitions, financial insecurity, lack of care for his children if he has any, enmeshment with ex(es), harem of woman "friends," no outside interests/hobbies of his own, no adventurousness of spirit, and doesn't enjoy road trips and/or traveling abroad.
None of us are perfect and anyone, man or woman, will occasionally annoy you, even to distraction. But it's important to recognize what won't work for you in day-to-day life. For instance, I could never be with a picky eater. I love to try new things and new restaurants and new cuisines, especially when I travel. Dating a man who refused to eat anything other than the same four "safe" foods would be sign of basic incompatibility and would surely bleed over into other areas of our relationship. But it might not be a problem at all for another woman--it might even be a bonus, if she is likewise a picky eater! I don't think there's any universal list of acceptable v. unacceptable traits.
I do not date neuro-typical men. At all. THEY do not “get me”. I rather “pull hairs” back and forth with a fellow neuro-divergent man, who at the end of the day is going to “get me”, than a neuro-typical man who’s just going to bail out after the first few dates because “I just can’t deal with your smarts/quirks”.
I bounce any time there’s evidence of drug and/or alcohol problems, even from someone who describes themselves as sober. Before FDS I made the mistake of telling a potential partner this and he stealthily hid a meth addiction from me. So, don’t tell. Just observe and continue to vet. My friend with the same standard said the question she gets to is, “if we are at a party and I mention your drinking is making me uncomfortable, what would you do?” They need to show me respect, safety, and honesty.
I can't tolerate any sort of incompetence.. major turn off and I am much more stressed if I feel like I need to manage everything or be on his ass for anything. So he needs to be timely, observant, doesn't forget things. He should have his next steps in mind for the day, the week, and long term. Guys who are on the ball is a must. It's my turn to be the incompetent one!! Jk jk, I do want an equal and I'm on top of my shit.
Willing to give video games and anime guys a date because I want someone to share those hobbies with. But that means I have to vet for him being unwilling to get off games to help out, being into pervy pedo anime shit, and all the bad things that can come with those hobbies. On the other hand I'm okay with a guy who's not into those hobbies but I'd be vetting for him being mean to me for having those interests myself.
Everyone's different and has their own needs and interests, but yeah there are HV traits that should be apparent even among totally different personalities and people.
Great topic! I'm always willing to overlook if he makes a lot of money/ has a full time job. Because I work so much and earn a lot, I prefer men who are home-bodies who like to clean and cook, do laundry, tend to the animals, etc. so that when I come home, everything is done and I get to eat good food and cuddle a lot. Now, if he doesn't work and just sits around at home like a scrub, not going to work for me. I like actual, hard working stay-at-home husband stuff. So, I'm okay with him not being an earner or super ambitious/motivated about a career.
I have preferences that I'm willing to compromise on. Like I would love to find a man who wants to adopt kids but if he doesn't, I understand. I'm also willing to do one biological kid or no kids. I would like a man to be taller than me but if he's at least my height that's ok too. Same with age, I would like him to be 2-5 years older, but I'm more flexible now, he could be my age or a year or two younger. If he's 5/10 minutes late to things and lets me know beforehand that he's running late, it wouldn't bother me as much as it would some people. I have the library app on my phone so I would just use that time to read. I would like to find someone who reads books, but I would also compromise for someone who listens to podcasts or reads the newspaper or something-- so long as they appreciate learning in some way. He doesn't have to be close with his family. I came from an emotionally unavailable family so I would be understanding of family issues as long as he has received therapy and takes ownership of his pain. I know that we are all going to make mistakes here and there. I think something I am not willing to compromise on is that he has to be a self-aware individual who is seeking spiritual growth. When he makes those mistakes, he must be willing to acknowledge them, apologize, and attempt to do better, as will I.
Big drip talker. Somebody who cannot provide all the information in consise manner. Takes up the air, but won't tell key points without your prompts. Like an emotional leech.
To add my own list of things I can accept:
- light alcohol and tobacco use, but it definitely needs to be within reasonable limits (e.g. no booze on weekdays!) and they need to be able to refrain from it when I ask them to
- doesn't need to make a lot of money -- I'm looking for financial responsibility, sure, but not so much interested in high earnings themselves. I'm not looking to tether myself to a man financially. I understand many women want to be provided for, that's just not me.
- don't care about penis size, some women have a preference in that regard, I don't since penetration doesn't do a lot for me anyway (and yes I've had partners who were big)
- doesn't need to be career driven, super adventurous or take me to the fanciest restaurants, I quite enjoy casual, domestic people (provided they don't sit on their asses all day)
- doesn't need to have the highest education -- a Bachelor's degree at minimum but anything else is a bonus. I prize kindness and emotional intelligence over academic achievement (not that they are mutually exclusive of course)
- neurodivergence, since I'm in the same boat
Instant nope:
- high libido, I enjoy physical intimacy a lot, but if someone has a high drive, we just won't be happy together
- has or wants kids (sorry)
- anime / comic nerd
- messiness no matter how slight, I hate chaos
- true introvert -- I'm sort of an ambivert and need someone who can party
- bad relationship with his family
- doesn't have at least one creative outlet
- not interested in politics and culture
- can't cook
- eats meat
- consumes sexist / racist media
- doesn't work on improving themselves
- aversion to marriage -- sounds funny since I've already said elsewhere that I don't want to get married, but I think when men are actively opposed to it, it's always a sign of bad attitude towards relationships in general
ETA: - overweight, receding hairline, too much body hair, irregular teeth or flat butt -- I know you can't always mitigate or eliminate these things, but I just don't want them
- active on social media -- I don't care if it's harmless, I just can't with people who need to document their lives for their insta or are always looking for new content they can post
they are too many to comment here and i keep discovreing more and more. men never fail to disappoint me.
There are so many I can’t accept - once I know he lacks the moral fibre that I need from him (misogyny, promiscuity) then he’s in the bin. I can’t look at him the same way again. I can accept moments of forgetfulness in small doses, like imperfect time management as I also have that issue and it means he’s more likely to accept if I’m a bit late myself. My tolerance for BS has been too high for too long, so there’s a lot I can’t accept.
I won't tolerate any LV nonsense so I won't rehash what others typed out but NO:
-vegans /strict diets /gym rats
-supports MLMs, think oils or chiropractors replace going to the dr
- obsessive gamers /anime
- men that are "friends" with their exes or too friendly with women 🚩
- men that think therapy/counseling is a "scam"
- men that refuse to show emotions
- men that don't have basic handyman or life skills
- smoking /addictions
- men that are also child free and don't Want kids
-men that have never lived in their own
Also no men that are "talking heads" which is what I call the dudes who talk and talk trying to sound so educated and skilled, when really they just ramble on. Think of the joe Rogans and Elon musks and a lot of other male youtubers and podcasts where they go on usually about crypto, big tech, tesla, real estate, sneakers and get rich quick schemes.
My requirements and preferences are a long list, but these come to mind first:
No recreational drug use of any kind
Less successful than me, lack of ambition, lack of hobbies, no direction or goals in life, stupidity
Dislikes animals
Lack of commitment/casual attitude surrounding dating and relationships
Not seeming to value relationships in general, like treating friends and family poorly
Sharing my values/culture/language
Things I don't prioritize as much:
Money: I need him to make enough for both of us to live comfortably, but I don't require luxuries.
Height: I myself am really short, so an average guy already feels tall enough. I still refuse to date guys that are super short, like shorter than my female friends.
Strange hobbies/eccentricity are okay as long as he's not, like, creepy.
Poor conflict resoluation skills, abusiveness, bad hygiene, small penis size (it just doesn't feel pleasurable with my body), porn addiction, ED, lack of ambition, sleeps around (or at the very least a fuck boy), and being generally a selfish/shitty person.
No too many to count now that I have been exposed to the world (or the world of men) So, my strategy is to find someone that fits my bill. 1. Seemingly more educated than me. Like at least on paper. 2. Earns higher than me so that we don't really care for how much I earn. 3. Respects my time and job. Conveniently supports and contributes to it ie take charge of the rest when I am focusing. 4. Taller than I am by a margin. I am over 180 cm. And properly groomed. 5. Same culture & religion. Here I can make room as I hail from a common middle class values society with way too many languages etc. 6. Approach me first, we possibly have a few connections ie common friends,. previous work place, same alumni etc. Then give me sufficient reason to meet him individually ie purpose of bringing me out, where will be going to etc. After all the 6 criteria met, you get to go on a date with me.