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Ever since I was a young woman, I was taught to essentially submit to a man by my family to the detriment of my wellbeing, and physical and mental health. Yesterday, my mom, who is Chinese and six inches shorter than me always asked me why I couldn't get down to 105 lbs, I'm literally 5'8 and 117 lbs. She compared my thighs to the ones of my little brother's whose 14 and said, "I wish you and your brother could switch legs, his are so thin, yours look so sloppy and fat." When I was 12, my dad told me "80 lbs would be a perfect weight for you." I was 5'6 at the time.
I'm 18 but have had diagnosed eating disorder since the age of 13, I feel like such a fucking failure. I know I shouldn't let it get to my head but there were men on this relationship forum that really tore down my self-worth when I was JUST getting to a better place with my body image, I posted my photos on there which I truly regret now, with them calling me flat and curve less and direct messaging me nasty things, I had a mental breakdown, know I know they are all anonymous and over 30, but I don't want to act like it doesn’t hurt when I've been taught my entire life to cater to the male gaze. I've been taking fenugreek for the past six months to enhance my bust and obsessively doing squats. It's like you can't fucking win with these men. I starved myself tiny and now get called flat, if I gain weight and become thick then I'll be called disgusting, sloppy, unkept. They literally want a doll with blowup proportions and it's all just fucking impossible without surgery or something. My hair is down to my waist and I desperately want to chop it all off but my mom said that if I did no man would want me but it’s such a pain to maintain. Every time I'm around a man I have to suppress my true personality just to be seen as this feminine demure little thing to get treated well. I noticed this with my friends, it's like if men don't find you attractive and feminine enough in their eyes they will treat you like shit, not even consider you a full human being. My neighbor introduced me to porn at the age of six, forced me and my brother to watch horrendous videos, and those images never left my brain, he's since been arrested but its like an imprint on my mind . Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite for acting like a pick me for men but I think society grooms women to submit to men and their desires without considering the mentally taxed women who are constantly pressured to performative femininity.
I'm so sorry for rambling but I really am starting to resent the feminine archetype. I feel so much pressure to submit to a man, not give my own opinions, basically be a blowup fuckdoll and if I stray from this I'm treated like the worst creature on the planet. Secretly, I want to be a career woman but men hurl that word around like its an insult, my parents told me to settle down and find a man before I'm 25, but I feel like an empty hallow shell of a woman just spending the rest of my life catering to men all the time. I'm so exhausted. I kind of feel just worn down by them at the moment, and the pressure to perform all the time.
It sounds like you know what you want. You want to cut your hair (but your mom doesn't want you to). You want to be a career woman (but men don't want you to). What if you stopped caring what they think? It'll be difficult and won't happen overnight. Might I suggest practicing, starting with the haircut? You know exactly how your mom will react, so you'll be prepared. Start enforcing boundaries with the people closest to you. That'll make it easier when it comes to the men you date.
Have you read "I'm glad my mom died" by Jeanette McCurdy? She had very similar experiences to you and you might find it cathartic to read her story. And I'm sorry about everything you went through. Patriarchy really fcks every woman up in more ways than one
thank you for sharing your experience-I can relate very much.
although i don’t feel that I am the most equipped to give advice I will give you my thoughts and in any case can relate.
about the body issues-I am 5’2” and was fat shamed as a chubby kid. My mom also was my height and wanted me to be under 100 lb like her.
I was admitted to the hospital at 14 years old, about to die, and weighed 88 pounds. 80 is a very very dangerous weight even for my height-and you are taller. I also got the criticism for having no butt or boobs once i stopped eating in rebellion to the “you’re fat”comments. I totally get the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” when it comes to body size. I got nasty comments no matter what weight I was from that to double that and everywhere in between. It is now more important to me to just feel good. there is not any way possible in the world to have the right body to please everyone and it is not important to make everyone enjoy looking at you. It is not what will bring you happiness in your life even if they all did.
it’s very hard not to reflexively people-please. They ask for it and coerce for it all the time. but It is what women do by default. I take a pleasure now in not doing that. It took me lots of practice to not default to it all the time! Now if a man demands my attention by, say, starting a conversation at work that i am not interested in and is taking away from my work duties-I no longer explain myself. I roll my eyes, I give the shortest yes or no possible, i act as dismissive as men act towards women they aren’t attracted to. It is not easy! I have also been conditioned to entertain, to be polite, etc when it’s been detrimental to do so.
your mother sounds like mine where she has her own insecurities that she projects on to you. It is hard to allow yourself to displease a mother who sees your beauty as your main asset; mine also wanted me to use mine in that way, and thinks of it as a failure of me to have other goals that don’t hinge on relying on long hair or a “perfect“ body to attract a man who I would then depend on so much that my quality of life and happiness would depend completely On him.
i hope that you are able to stick to fds and admire the ladies on here who have a lot to teach about how to make your life awesome regardless if you are pleasing men. or your mother, who might be just living to please men. I don’t want to live my life that way and see it as a pathetic existence. i have grown to see my own mom that way and while i love her and appreciate her, i want to do better and have a better life than she has had. one of my main goals is to not depend on a man for happiness the way I have seen her do over and over.
a phrase i love from an eclectic artist(lady) who i respect very much is "be yourself! they will always have something bad to say about you anyway so you might as well!"
Oh goodness this sounds like a lot to be dealing with at your age! Are you still getting any sort of help for your eating disorder? You're 18, so I imagine there maybe at least free counseling available for you? It sounds like you need regular support on this, especially with how bad you're currently feeling. Otherwise yes all the advice above is great. Note. Please don't cut off all your hair while in this frame of mind. It's uncertain how you'll feel after this. If anything, treat yourself to a nice haircut if the length is bothering you. You're not a hypocrite. You're young. Don't compare yourself to others who are most likely much older than you. We're all on our own individual journeys and will get there with self-care and prioritising ourselves.
Read as much as you can about boundaries. Terri Cole has a course on it and lots of resources. Any self-help book on boundaries. Game changer.