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So I just got back into the dating game almost two months ago and unfortunately for me the only way to meet men is through dating apps. This is because my friends don’t know anyone they can set me up with and I have chronic resting bitch face which makes me unapproachable, I also live in the suburbs where it’s mostly families and I would have to take a train to get into the city to see singles my age.
In the beginning of joining hinge with the newbie push I would get a bunch of matches but all the men matching with me only wanted to hookup. I finally changed my profile to put I am looking for a relationship and now I’m not getting any matches or likes at all.
The men I have talked to so far on the apps are making me lose hope. However, because of FDS ive been able to spot major red flags quickly.
Guy #1 it’s obvious he only wants to hookup based on his actions, when we went on dates he got physical fast and he’s constantly lovebombing me. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks of seeing each other. I called him out on his bs and he still swears he wants a relationship so I blocked him.
Guy #2 says he likes keeping it real so he told me from day 1 he doesn’t want anything serious, he also takes 3 days to respond to texts so I blocked him. I forgot to block him on Instagram so he begged me on Instagram to unblock him so I blocked him there too. I don’t chase men and I think that’s what he wanted.
Guy #3 has a girlfriend I found out through his Instagram he was really good at hiding it on his profile but I still found her. He also only wanted to meet at night despite me telling him I would prefer daytime. He was probably afraid that if we met in the day someone he knew would’ve spotted us. Glad I found out he a had a gf so I blocked him too.
Guy #4 we have been talking for 2 months still haven’t met in person because “his life is too spontaneous” I’m pretty sure he is a catfish. So I blocked him too.
Guy #5 kept on bringing up porn and asked me how freaky I was so I blocked him. He also said he wanted a relationship but it’s obvious he only values women as objects. One convo we had he asked how I was holding up being single, I said I’ve just been taking up hobbies and hanging out with my friends. His response was that he masturbates to porn…I rolled my eyes and blocked him.
Anyways moral of the story is that online dating is exhausting. Does it get any better? I’m 24 btw
My advice, you're giving these guys too much leeway early on. The initial days are when they're supposed to be on their best behaviour to give you the best impression of them. If this is them at their BEST, why even talk to them, let alone actually meet up?
You say you're picking up on red flags early but you missed these:
Guy #1 got physical before you were ready or comfortable. Do not meet him again. Why continue to date him for 2 weeks?
Guy #2 told you from day 1 he didn't want anything serious, why keep talking to him? Guy #3 only wanted to see you at night. Block before you even meet. He didn't respect your wish for safety.
Guy #4 was stringing you along. No date offer within a week or two (depending on your level of comfort) = block.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I wish someone had told me this when I was 24, lol. It's not your fault, more the fact that there are just that many low-quality, lazy men on OLD. It's more about cutting out the mediocre guys so you can find the 1 or 2 actually good ones worth your time. Quantity =/= quality. You'll go on less dates but they'll be better quality.
Just be more ruthless and selective early on. And please please pleeeeease stop giving them your social media, you don't know these guys!!
Early mid twenties here and I am going through the same experience despite living in a big city. I put that I'm looking for marriage on my cmb profile and now I barely get any likes, matches, or suggestions. I also have gotten approached by men in person very few times and most men were far below my league in terms of looks and income.
Being in the suburbs means that you'll match with fewer men, and the men you do match with may be lower quality or looking for something casual if they have their distance set so large (hard to get woman interested in hookups). The odds may not be in your favor.
I am currently focusing on myself and my career to level up and then hopefully be around more men in person who are my type. In a city there are opportunities to at least meet/see men. No guarantee any of them will be HVM or approach though.
I have realized that the return on investment of using online dating to find a HVM partner is very low. I would suggest to work on your career, friends, and living situation to move to the city and try to meet more men in person (and create a happy life on your own whether or not you find a man).
Also good for you for not taking any shit from these guys. It’s hard I know. But it’ll be worth it in the end
I’ve been off OLD and meeting men in my everyday life. I just joined a lot of clubs and met people. It’s really fun and you can vet easier while they’re in their natural habitat. For me, I just like observe their body language and talk to them for a good minute and decide if I want to keep talking to them.
#3. I probably would’ve told the girlfriend. But I understand if you don’t want to put yourself in that situation.
It doesn’t get better. I had many traumas through OLD. I hated it. It took me 2,5 years to start healing. I hadn’t seen anyone in 2 years (also because of the pandemic) and then I decided to download Facebook dating and tried to be ruthless. I, too, understand what it’s like to have to use OLD because unfortunately it’s been hard to find men in real life. All my traumas came back at the moment I started talking to some scrotes. I figured I have no patience for the abuse, the entitlement. How they see women on OLD as objects and not as actual human beings. The low effort dates, etc etc. I posted here how these only scrote I went out with spoke to me during the second date how I should pick up the bill. When they find me in real life they treat me better. They still can be low value yes, but I can’t face the drama of OLD anymore. It’s the bottom of the barrel.
It doesn't get better, no.
I am So impressed by your radar... those losers have been weeded out and thrown in the trash... ha! Keep going... honestly, I do believe that there is someone for everyone, call me old-fashioned and romantic but I do think that's true. One thing I was drawn to was the "talking for two months" ...be real careful of that. I think you can kind of form a relationship before even meeting them. I say this because I made all those mistakes already and I don't want you to do the same. My last BF – who it turned out was a scrote – said he loved me after three and a half weeks... he moved v fast and I thought that was flattering... major red flag. He pushed and broke many boundaries with me and I am still recovering. Online dating is exhausting but you are young and bright... you are THE PRIZE... and I bet you have a beautiful resting face... why do you say you don't? Did a man tell you that? I used to get that a lot because I'm shy. I would hate it when men would say things like, "cheer up, it might never happen?" Or, "smile". Only lunatics and weirdos walk around grinning like they have a coat hanger in their mouth all day long, surely? Go easy on yourself... Maybe you feel "unapproachable" not because of your face, but because you are guarded about men approaching you, and that's totally normal. As women we have to be... There is a HVM out there waiting to make you break out into a big smile every single day, he might just be stuck behind a big queue of losers....
My flatmate has a bf she met online. I don't know him that well because he doesn't come over to visit me, he visits her, but what I know of his actions I deem him HV.
It can happen, but it's a needle in a haystack situation. Keep doing what you're doing but don't invest in it emotionally. You don't need a man in your life, you want one. You're simply holding auditions until you find a good man, but there is no rush.
Unfortunately I think most men conceptualize OLD as an extension of pornography for them - both accesses in a flash via their phones, both about instant gratification and not building any kind of human relationship or connecting with the person on the other end. Are there a few HVM floating around OLD? Sure. But they're not anywhere near the majority and so you're mostly going to get stress and disappointment out of OLD. Possibly trauma if you're very unlucky...
In my experience, the people that enjoy and succeed at OLD are the ones that dont let it dominate their lives. They check in an hour or two max each day, and dont obsess over messages or matches. If they meet somebody and the conversation stalls or turns sour, it’s whatever, on to somebody else. They dont invest in anything that is said online, they wait til they’ve met and chatted in person to start really caring about the outcome. Its a complement to their social lives, not the axis their social lives revolve around.
My brother met his girlfriend of 3 years on Bumble, and both of them laugh at the idea of ‘searching for a partner’ on the app. They were just checking what was out there and enjoying the process of meeting new people. I always try to keep that in mind when I try OLD, but I must admit Im simply terrible at messaging on those apps.
Kinda off topic but when the I read the last para I couldn't believe you were 24. I was under the impression that you were a divorcee in your late 30s with how well you knew how to block scrotes and the kind of men you were dating