.png)
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to u/MidnightCarp on reddit.
I'm beyond frustrated with all the typical relationship advice in situations where a man feels slighted because his partner didn't explicitly say something completely obvious, as if talking to a 5-year-old, and she then dared to get displeased with his behaviour. People have this knee-jerk reaction to shout "communication!! he can't read your mind!!!" at any woman who expects her partner to figure out anything about her preferences on his own, based on nonverbal interactions and commonsense reasoning.
As an example, imagine a couple has been dating for a few months. On their first date, they talk about work and she tells a funny story about how a coworker gifted her a mushroom-themed cookbook and she just gifted it forward. She never orders dishes with mushrooms, and on a couple of dates she asks the waiter if they have any vegetarian dishes without mushrooms. They make smalltalk about food, and she tells him she can't stand ingredients that feel slimy or mushy.
One day she's recovering from a cold and craves pizza. He offers to order her one and asks her which toppings she would like, and she says she's too tired to think about it and he can just choose whatever... so he orders her a mushroom pizza. Sure, she technically said he could order whatever. Sure, she never explicitly said she doesn't like mushrooms. But it's really not an unreasonable expectation that the guy would figure this out.
This applies to countless other situations too in so many relationships, from household chores to boundaries with female friends to gifts and activities. Going through every preference in detail is inefficient and tedious when he could just go through a little bit of effort to improve his understanding of her. Hell, if you're extremely systematically minded and can't rely on your social intuition, get a notebook where you write down things you know she loves or hates and extrapolate from there.
Further, why would a woman expect her partner to read her mind? Is it because she's an irrational baby who doesn't understand how words work and that telepathy doesn't exist? Or is it maybe because she expects him to reciprocate the "mind-reading" which she is totally capable of and constantly does to her partner in order to anticipate his needs, which she effortlessly does with her female friends without the need to explicitly go over every preference, which her mom and sisters and hopefully father have generally been very capable of giving her? It's not a magical psychic ability, it's basic empathy and attentiveness.
If a man has been dating a woman for a while, and has functional social perception skills, he should be able to figure out her preferences in most day-to-day situations. When this fails, it's a sign that he's not emotionally attuned to her, or as close and invested as she thought he was. The crucial point here is that even if she communicated and uSeD hEr WorDs in a situation, the underlying problem would not be solved. It's not about the mushrooms, she's not disappointed because she has to pick mushrooms off her pizza, she's disappointed because the person supposedly closest to her with whom she'll share her life and build a family with has no idea how to interpret their daily interactions to form a coherent model of her as a person and her preferences. Don't ever settle for a low-empathy man.
Stay safe. Stay Woman.
I think what is most telling is that these kind of men are often capable of mind-reading in work settings but choose not to utilize those same skills at home. They don't need their bosses to hand hold them and micromanage them through every activity. They don't say well my boss could have told me that I was supposed to print out copies of my report before going to the meeting, they print those copies and have already emailed PDFs to everyone before the meeting as well. They actively think about how they can show themselves to be capable, forward thinking, and worthy of that promotion. Men are perfectly capable of these skills, but once they feel they have you hooked, they aren't working out of "impress the girl" mode anymore. It's just an issue of weaponized incompetence
Amen to this post. Holy fuck, this was my last relationship in a nutshell. He refused to use any deductive skills or logic, and never bothered to remember a goddamn thing about me. After literally years seeing me make my own coffee in the morning, he didn't have a clue how to make my coffee. That was the beginning of the end for me. Never again.
After being gaslight for years about how I was 'asking too much' for my partner of 5+ years to know how I like my coffee, it still blows me away when friends notice little things about me.
Preach! This is also my last relationship to a TEE and it’s like a drip feed of misery disguised as thoughtfulness that leaves you feeling confused and hurt, isn’t it? The point you made about the disappointment in relation to who a woman shares her life and body with and how he behaves in that whack/thoughtless manner. Yeh that got me right in the feels. My own version is that this time last year I realised things were going wrong in my r’ship. Ex was working away a lot and not prioritising us/things were feeling off. He booked for us to spend a weekend doing something ‘fun’ except that fun thing was an outdoor activity I specifically told him I had done before and really hated. This was rescued by flowers and some quite showy gestures on his part that added to my overall sense of confusion snd obligation. But the thoughtless stuff continued; buying the wrong type of milk, prioritising his social life etc. ‘Low empathy man’ is totally right. These types are to be avoided for our own sanity. I remember scalding myself at his place when my drink slipped from my hand and his reaction was a smirk, not one of concern. I’m a big girl and can handle myself but you’d like to think the man who loves you would want to ensure you’re ok. I hear women laugh or complain about men doing thoughtless shit, sometimes after decades together and it makes me crumple a bit inside. There’s being a poor judge of gifts/foolish and then there’s a lack of thought and regard. No one should stand for this.