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TL, DR: I feel neglected by my female friends. Am I an asshole LVW and that's why they don't bother being present? How can I change this? What do you do to keep good friends in your life?
This is a rant, but I'd like some advice too.
I'm in my 30s, so making friends gets more and more difficult. I have very few friends and all of them basicaly don't bother talking to me, ignore my messages, don't ask me out and don't accept my invitations to go out, they're just very low effort most of the time. Like, if we agree to do something nice, I'm the one who has to go to where they live for example. Or they'll cancel last minute after hyping me to go out with them, etc. Others have simply stopped talking to me and I never knew the reason why. I feel like I must be a terrible friend and that's why they have been leaving me one by one.
The other day one of them said I'm very rude and she was fucken tired of it. I was completely taken by surprise because it never crossed my mind that I was rude to her. I simply made a comment about her halloween costume and she snapped at me. She said other terrible things and I decided I just don't want people like that in my life. I tried to make her understand that talking about things before getting so angry is best, but she said I didn't have the right to judge her because I was always rude no matter what. I just don't understand... When I explained the situation to other people, they said she was being unreasonable and I agree.
Another (now ex) friend simply disappeared and never talked to me again. We had been friends for 10 years and she used to like me very much. Before ghosting me, I got the feeling she had been avoiding me, but thought maybe I was just being too sensitive because of some personal issues I was facing. I remember last year I bought her a birthday cake. Less than two months later it was my birthday. I posted a story on my insta and she saw it, but she didn't even wish me a happy birthday. That really hurt me. It was like she was deliberatedly hurting me. It's been over a year since we last contacted each other.
Another one who lives in a different state told me she was coming to the state where I live and she would love to meet me in person (we became friends online thanks to feminism). I got super excited to see her and we made plans. She had a very busy schedule because she had to work and see other friends, but we managed to find a gap where she could see me. She said "oh well, I'll go out with other friends after going out with you. I'll be so tired... But okay! We'll have fun!" Then guess what? She cancelled saying she would have to work late. I said we could re-schedule and she offered her lunch time. When I asked her what time it would be (since I live far from the city where she was and would need to plan my going there), she said "I'll check that and let you know" but she never did. She went back home and almost a month later, she contacted me with stupid excuses ("I forgot to check, then it was too late, blabla"). And she had the audacity to tell me she went out with some guy the day we were supposed to meet. Is my time worthless? Am I not important at all? She managed to go out with some dude she met on a dating app, but she couldn't find the time to meet me? Really?
There are other ones who are always too busy or too tired to see me.
One of them indeed works a lot and lives in a city that is quite far, but she comes to my city to visit her father (she used to live here). She also has mental health problems (depression and anxiety) and she takes medication. One thing she used to do that made me really angry was she would invite me to go out and when the day came she would say something like "I can't go, sorry. I'm really tired and I'll have to drive back home today. I still have a birthday party to attend later, so I think it's best to cancel with you so I can take a nap." That happened several times. I got really angry at her, but I didn't say anything because I knew that would be no use. As far as I can remember, I only cancelled on her like that once. But she has the habbit of doing that to me. One day she texted me saying she had almost attempted suicide and I didn't know what to say. I said anything along the lines of "I'm sorry you've been through this. I hope you're okay now." and she said she sensed anger coming from me (???). After that, we barely talk to each other. It's been almost a year.
The last friend I'll write about is one who has anxiety and she always refuses my invitations to go out (aka - me going to her, never the other way around, and she lives far from me), giving excuses such as "my humor has been too unstable lately and I don't want to disappoint you". Than she posts stories with other friends having fun. We haven't talked much, but when we do, she sometimes lets slip that she went out with her crush. I remember once she refused a video call with me because she had to wake up really early for work. Minutes later, she said she was going out with her crush to a dance club or something, meaning she would stay awake all night. And he had invited her last minute. I felt like a pice of garbage. So because I don't have a dick to offer her she can't bother to talk to me?
Anyway, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth anybody's time. I used to have depression and I didn't treat my friends that way. I value them, I value their time. I don't cancel on them last minute, I remember their birthdays, I talk to them when they need support, I make myself available... What am I doing wrong? Because there must be something wrong with me. Why else would I be losing friends left and right? I don't care about having a boyfriend or a husband, but I do want to have friends. Am I needy? How can I make new friends? Friends that will stay, and bring value to my life.
IMO most people are LV, male or female (not just in the pickme way). Ur friends with mental health problems may not have the bandwidth to be good friends right now, that’s okay just distance yourself if you’re not feeling good about the relationship. The others… Some people don’t recognise the importance of maintaining friendships and this leads to flaky and disrespectful behaviour, which no amount of effort on your part can fix. I had some friends like that. After introspection and reflecting on my and their behaviour I realised it said more about them rather than me and had to start returning the energy they were giving. Meanwhile, do activities, get involved in the community, when your schedule is filled and you’re interacting with new people, you’ll be less lonely (though occasionally it’ll come back, just ride it out like a wave) and you’ll meet more people you can vet for friendship. All the best!
It's so weird how this happens.. I've had very similar experiences to what you describe and my mother has as well. My mum is great, warm and fun to be around, so I don't think it's because we are somehow three women with high radioactivity levels. :) In my twenties, I used to spend a lot of time with my girl friends, but come thirties, come tumbleweeds. The careers, the children, the men, the illnesses, they all come in the way. But, it also doesn't help that women have such a hard time being honest with each other - I'd rather hear a "maybe," or "probably not" to a request to meet than an enthusiastic "yes" that turns into no.
It’s the “friendship apocalypse”.😱. One of the most bizarre experiences I have had was discovering that it’s not me, most people are LV. It’s bizarre to be around people who leave you on read, take months to return phone calls but expect you to be on demand for them. The healthier and better my life gets, I have no tolerance for people that do not add value. I got tired of being a good friend to others and not having it be reciprocated.
Making friends as we get older is rough because its like platonic dating. Most people do not want to put the time and energy into making a meaningful connection. Some people are just lucky and they have the same friendship circle since they were kids and thus don’t need to make new friends.
Now I am a big believer in small talk and doing things I like- if I see the same people over and over again, rapport develops. Friendship is cultivated by repeated exposure- which is difficult for most adults outside of work. But when I tried to make friends with women by just hanging out, they often flaked or it was like amateur therapy.
Just like dating, we have to fulfill ourselves and fill up our own cups first before we can have healthy friendships and relationships with other people. A person who cannot see their own worth will continue to befriend and date people who echo the same sentiment back to them again and again. You ever met a person with very low self worth that continuously hang around with people who keep teasing them, hurting their feelings, or outright ignoring them sometimes? Why would that person put up with it?
We accept the respect we think we deserve.
If you don't believe that you deserve real respect, that will come back in the form of bad friends coming into your life, again and again. I hope this isn't harsh of me to say, because believe me, I used to be that person who would feel so hurt and confused by other people's hot and cold behaviors, or getting ghosted or outright abused. I am taught recently, that as long as you hate what you see in yourself, other people will have no choice but to reflect that back to you.
It's not to say that people who have low self worth don't deserve good friends or have to become perfect in order to have great friends. Today can be your first step in trying to fall in love with yourself, being your own best friend, and appreciating the silence that solitude can provide. Take this time without fake friends to heal. Take this time to really get to know yourself better. Take this time to get back on old interests or taking up new hobbies, and see if there is a social group that caters that to meet likeminded people. I would stay away from places that focuses a lot about dating/hooking up, psychology, or anything controversial or too personal, because they attract some funny characters that don't have your best interests at heart. A book club would expose you to much higher quality friends, fwiw.
maam, i feel this so hard. I have cut off or got ghosted by many people I called my friends. Most of my friends paired up with LVM,others went separate ways.Others are too busy to care.
I resorted to trying to make new friends after moving and it sucks because most people I meet are incompatible with me.
I think following any negative social interaction is a good time to reassess yourself, but it could also be that you are not friends with outgoing people. You said some of your friends have anxiety and depression. Although you were able to maintain social commitments through depression, people with depression and anxiety breaking plans and only wanting to hang out at their home is par for the course. I think the best way to make friends is being in activity groups that meet regularly for a shared interest. Anyone that shows up to this stuff is a bit social and reliable at minimum. Some activities draw very outgoing people compared to others, so you can consider that too.
Just to add, I tend to feel better about friendships in general if I just drop people lazily when I'm not feeling mutual interest. Soon enough you have enough that can prioritise based on that mutuality that makes friendships wonderful.
You need new friends, love. Trust me. I did a whole makeover when I moved and have found a few really HVW that make me feel safe, valued and adored. I also love that we're different and challenge each other.
On the making friends front, goodness it is difficult! I used friend-making apps, went to group events, got to know friends of friends, got chatting at events and let them evolve slowly and naturally. It takes a lot of time unfortunately, especially when you're older and all of us have priorities but you can usually tell when someone is worth it--the effort feels mutual.
Just don't go overboard. Let yourself be valued so it is equal and enjoy your time by yourself too. I often go do things by myself and drop a line to a friend or two about what I was/am doing and new friends in particular start inviting themselves by expressing interest!
I completely relate to everything that you’ve said! There have been so many women that I’ve tried to be good friends to over the years and guess where that’s got me so far? I’m depressive and autistic and most of those women either flaked on me or would complain about men as if they were such good women themselves but then would fuck me off the second man came along. I definitely relate to “the friend who will cancel on you the second or crush wants to see her” story. It isn’t personal, it means that they’re low value and they don’t see the value of female friendship. PS these are the kinds of women who say they’re friends with men, one of the boys, are either the popular based on promiscuity or their popularity doesn’t last because they reject those guys and then are shocked when those men do not wanna be actual friends. THIS is when those women will return and tried to be your best friend suddenly. Ask me how I know…
Imagine a "feminist" wasting the time of a woman who really wants to know her to chase dick that probably wasn't even that good