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Hello, ladies, this will be a long one, plenty of trigger warnings re. childhood abuse of all kinds, including sexual. Will add TLDR at the end.
I’m in the late 30s-early 40s age range professional woman with several degrees, a job where I’m well respected, and my own beautiful home that’s my peaceful safe haven from whatever the world throws at me. None of this was given to me, I left parental home at 20 (as soon as I could) with one suitcase and some pocket money to last me a couple of weeks to a foreign country.
One of my qualities that others often comment on is how calm and serene I remain no matter what is happening around me. This has not always been that way, with me being in a constant fight or flight state in the first 20 years of my life. I grew up in a very chaotic and violent home, where my parents‘ only manner of communication was screaming at each other and me and my siblings, putting everyone else down, name calling. Also, because my mother had stated that if my father would ever lay a finger on her, she’d leave him, so he used to belt me instead. This started when I was 4, and continued steadily until I was 16. There were a few years where I’d be belted every other day and would have to continuously figure out ways how to hide welts when in public, as I was ashamed of this.
My siblings were younger and terrified, they’d be exposed to all of my beltings and as a result we’re hypercompliant, which my parents would praise them for. Just like me, they grew up full of anger towards my parents, but, like everything else, they kept it to themselves.
My mother would be screaming and trying to stop my father belting me ( and he was also holding me down, so there was no escape), and he’d often unpick the lock of wherever I was hiding, and seemed to take great pleasure in taking his time with all of this. I couldnt quite put my finger on it, but I felt he was getting some kind of sexual pleasure out of this.
Other times my mother would belt me or shake me by the back of my neck and there’d be no one trying to stop her.
Some stuff that has recently begun to reemerge to me as not quite right involved them freaking out about me confessing to them that I found this “pleasure button”, which felt quite good when I pushed it. I had no idea they‘d go nuts about it, but from that point onwards they’d regulary pull my pants down and spread my legs “to see if I’d done it again”. My father would yell that “it looks red, so you must have done it”, which many times was entirely untrue.
At the time he also worked in a men’s jail, and told me that I‘d get thrown in there if I keep doing it, and that I will get “salt poured down there”, and that supposedly they had a girl brought there who was supposedly subjected to that.
There was one more instance where I remember mother and me entering parents bedroom (they refused to knock and this was not a thing in our house), and I briefly caught a glimpse of what looked like p0rn that my father was watching. My mother started yelling at him, while trying to shove me out of the room, meanwhile my father lifted the blanket and exposed himself ( my view was obstructed by mother, thankfully), causing her to yell more. At the time I felt disgusting, but just sort of assumed this was one of the many ways he chose to wind her up. Now I think I start seeing it as some sort of sick sexual thing.
In terms of physical assaults, the last one took place on my 19th birthday, when for no reason at all my father decided that I’m not allowed to have a small bottle of beer with a few friends by the lake several doors down from home. He twisted my arm behind my back and dragged me home that way. The shoulder has some permanent minor damage, where I can’t fully raise my arm behind my head and reminds me of itself every week I’m in my yoga class.
Fast forward, I moved from this other country I moved to initiay (still only a short flight from parents) to the other side of the world from my parents, have been here close to a decade, life is very good.
Meanwhile, my father nearly died from self-inflicted shitty health, and I paid for his life-saving surgery, plus for a couple of other lesser ones. I did this out of the sense of duty rather than anything else. I can say for certain that I do not and never have felt any love towards my parents, more pity.
The surgeries took place just before Covid, after which my father seemed to have changed. He even uttered ” thank you “, and made an occasional effort to call. My parents came to visit me just before all the lockdowns and brought a couple of friends around. My father was still a changed man, or so I thought, but now I realise that this was his behaviour in front of his male friend that he adores and admires.
Three years later, parents are retired and no savings. I pay 5k to fly them over to me to see my new house and make them proud. I take 2 weeks off work, plan sightseeing, drive them around, cook elaborate meals, take them to restaurants. Sure, my father does a few “man jobs” around the house, but it is very obvious he is back to his old self. Which is to say, looking perpetually angry, or sulking at best, yelling “where‘s dinner”, never saying thank you for it or anything else for that matter, getting up without even taking his plate to the dishwasher, and my mother running and cleaning up after him. The other morning I thought I’d serve their breakfast in the garden, and my father went nuts because he had orange juice and he wanted tea. I asked him to keep it down, as I have lovely neighbours and this was the last thing I needed. He got out of control, then shut himself in the bedroom and spent the rest of the day sleeping. As usual, my mother blamed me, and both were now my victims. When I was a child, my father would often belt me, then grab his heart, complain that he’s feeling sick, and my mother would say :”see, what you’ve caused!”.
I started dating a lovely man several months back, who has two fantastic kids. He’s been a widower for several years, and was his wife‘s carer in her last stages of cancer. He’s the most gentle and thoughtful man. Well, my stupid self thought I should introduce him to my parents. On the way to meet him and the kids, my father for no reason at all said that he’ll punch my boyfriend in the face and will kick the kids’ butts. I have no idea why he said that, but I felt like he’s bent on desecrating everything that’s dear to me. My parents were flitting between having poor physical
boundaries (following us around and standing way too close) and appearing downright rude and sulky. My bf said that he thought they were ok, but he could see that I was being triggered by something.
The last drop was when I was putting on makeup in the bathroom, before driving them to a very expensive opera that I bought tickets for. My father opened the door in his underpants only (he disregards my rules of common decency in the house) and said: “get out”. I asked: “what? Why?”, and he angrily responded “I want to take a shit”. BTW, that’s his typical mode of communication with women of the family. He and my mother are both well-educated, academic people, that never miss an opportunity to be haughty, when it comes to “plebs”.
We went to the opera, but by this point I was feeling quite physically sick and noticed that I was possibly semi-dissociating. My breath was very slow and shallow, and I just stayed silent, like in a dream-like state.
They‘re in my house till early next week. I have a couple of events and yoga classes to go to, which will help me tolerate this time, while they’re playing victims and telling me I’m evil for asking to treat me like a human being in my own house. On weekend I have a party organised for them, so will have many friends that will distract me.
My questions to you would be: do you see some of the events I described in my childhood as CSA, and where to from here? I am thinking of maintaining a minimal connection, grey rock style, and To never allow them to my house and adopted country again. And what do I do in the meantime to cope with them and these memories before they leave next week?
TL; DR: abusive parents (possibly CSA) continue the same (albeit watered down) way, and at the moment they’re holidaying in my house. Need to make sense of what happened and make a plan how to tolerate them till next week.
You're a better person than me. I would have let him die years ago and let mom fend for herself. I ran away from home at 15 and went no contact. When mine died nobody cried at their funeral. It was like a weight lifted off the familys shoulders, to know that our personal satan was sealed back into hell.
My only recommendation is to grey rock for now, then no contact forever.
Yeah its mean and sad sure, but we all die alone to an extent. Nobody deserves it more than child abusers though. To take joy in torturing the most innocent creatures on earth, is pure evil.
(On the bright side, I have 2 moms and 2 dads that i chose, and they also chose me. They are my chosen family. It may be weird, and it may have happened pretty late in life, but i eventually got to experience that genuine parental love that I never did in childhood)
P.S. - not only do they never change, they get worse with age. You don't owe them shit.
Thank you for sharing your trauma with us. I have no words. It sounds absolutely dreadful. I think you should do whatever you feel will bring you peace. I'm so sorry you dealt with all of that.
Same, it sounds like a nightmare can't wake up from. I believe stating any boundaries with their mindset will be ignored and saying how they make you feel will be dismissed belittled and abused further. It is abuse and was.
As regards coping in the interm, you say you paid for their flights, can you drive them back to the airport and put them on next flight home? You shouldn't have to endure anymore abuse and need the rest of the week off to rest before work. If you can't, grey rock until gone. I wouldn't be asking them back. Only my siblings.
This is so awful. Your parents were, and are still quite monstrous to you, and unfortunately like other children of abusive parents you’re attached to them—entitled, bloated, cruel, sociopathic people.
The dynamic between them reminds me of the dynamic between serial killers and their PickMe enablers. What I found really troubling (all of it really) is that he’d abuse you violently and then victimize himself. This shows me how disgustingly manipulative and evil they are. But what’s even scarier to me is you believe it.
You made it out. You succeeded. You did it. You escaped. Your life is good, and you WENT BACK. The abuse is now self inflicted. Because a part of you believes you deserved it right? Well you didn't. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve it then and you don't deserve it now. You’re still trying so hard to be compliant. So much so that a venomous awful man tells you to get out, bc he wants to take a shit in your bathroom, mid makeup, you do it. You comply.
This is so sad. Is there a part of you that thinks you don’t deserve your hard earned good fortune? Why else would you soil it with your abusers? What of your siblings? Those poor souls traumatized by witnessing your wounding. Should you not be creating your own little utopia with them after the harshness you’ve all suffered through? Should they not be the ones you share your surplus with? A part of you yearns for a functional home but to insist of building it with your parents is now self abuse. You do know your father is a sexual deviant right? A porn sick disgusting man who took pleasure is violating your privacy in the most grotesque way, who forcefully looked at your genitals, who even exposed himself to you, and exposed you to porn.
I don’t think you see your parents for what they are. I think on an objective level you have processed it, but behind a veneer. What do you think went on in his mind when he viewed your genitals and went on to engage in his sick porn habit? What do you think he pleasured himself to? Why do you think he did it repeatedly? Your mother also makes me sick.
Why would you bring your awful awful parents around that lovely man and his brood? Why would you stain that precious part of your life with their presence? Are you trying to self sabotage?
Why must you maintain any connection at all? Why not expend all this effort and money on family therapy with your siblings? Oh my God babe what are you doing?
In your other comment you say they'd make your life miserable if you sent them on the next flight back?? HOW? How would they make your life miserable if they cannot access you to abuse further? Do you make yourself available for their verbal bashing? Do you just take it and comply? You're no longer helpless. How are you truly looking out for the small child who had no agency? And the teenager who was at their mercy?
You would be spending the 4K for your peace of mind not on them! I don't think the money is the issue at all. I think you're just very afraid of not complying. You have become entrenched in this cycle of abuse. There are worse things to spend 4K on than removing abusers from your home, which should be your safe space.
I am so sorry for everything you've experienced in your life. You did not deserve a single second of it, either as a child or right now. I've got tears in my eyes just thinking about all the suffering you've endured, so do not think for a second that you're blowing things out of proportion.
I'm still in my early 20s, so my thoughts come with some of the naivety of my age, but I do believe you should prioritize your own mental well-being over your parents'.
They were (and apparently still are) horrible to you and do not deserve any "filial duties" at this point. Paying for their medical expenses was incredibly generous of you, but it was in no way a requirement.
Earning any sense of "pride" from them will be like pulling teeth. They won't recognize that you became this wonderful, accomplished woman DESPITE their abuse, and not because of it.
The way they think about you is in no way a reflection of the person you really are. Minimize all interactions with them until they leave, and then never bring them anywhere near your safe haven again.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is helping me work through my own trauma related to my upbringing, so I'd definitely recommend it if you can find a therapist that suits you. Do not be afraid of switching professionals if the ones you talk to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. Psychologists are still people, and it's normal not to get along with all of them.
I wish you all the best. You sound like an incredible, strong woman who has overcome immense struggle from a young age. You'll certainly be able to get through this week as well, but after that do everything in your power to strengthen your boundaries and protect the life you've created.
Do not let these child abusers into your home.
(if you do, start making demands and beat both their asses if they don't comply 💀).
Childhood trauma and it’s lasting effects may never leave you. Although I think you may have come to a place where you are at peace with what happened in your past in terms of everything you have endured in your life has bought you to this point. When you don’t speak or see your parents you are living your dreams with your career, beautiful sanctuary and your friends. And you did all of this on your own. But you now have the power to CHOOSE who you let into your life. And whilst you may struggle with the guilt of deciding never to speak or see your parents again - this will be the only way to live your future on your terms. You have been MORE than generous and accommodating for their visits. But no more. You owe them nothing. They have never given you an ounce of respect and they never will. Some people were just not meant to be parents. Sometimes you hope they will wake up and say “I’m sorry - I was wrong”. But they never will. Grey rock for sure then slowly fade away. Sending enormous hugs and I am with you counting down the days till they leave.
A quick update and a thank you to all who helped. My parents left early this morning. I have smudged my house, washed everything they used and went to spend time in nature. Thanks to your insights and support, I was able to put some distance between me and my parents over the last few days of their stay, and wasn’t that triggered by their verbal/emotional abuse, knowing that this behaviour is only reflective of them and not me. I was also able to realise that my mother and father work as an abuse team, where my father does the aggression part of the cycle and my mother - the guilt-tripping part (and no, there isn’t even the love bombing part, lol). While I had a very mild pang of my usual guilt about “stressing them out” when they were leaving, I was able to nip it in the bud.
The feeling that has emerged more clearly is disgust with my father after starting to accept that he perpetrated CSA on me. I’m still feeling somewhat ambivalent in my heart of hearts about it, but I will continue with it, and this realisation is helping me disconnect from my parents and their overall cycle of abuse.
Thanks once again.