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Hi ladies! I'd love your advice on how to navigate a situation I'm in. Pardon the long backstory:
I (44F) met a (shows signs of HV) man (45M) a few years back on OLD (before my FDS days) while he was in town for business. He used to live in my city, but moved out of country for work shortly before we met, but the nature of his business brings him back here a few times a year. Tbh, there was an implied intention of a ONS situation, but the first time we met, we ended up connecting on many levels right off the bat and have similar values, and ended up seeing each other a few more times before he headed back (he was in town for a few weeks at that time). These were a mix of public dates (he'd always pay), or we'd meet at either my place or his hotel for conversation, catch-up, and some Netflix and chill action, depending on both our availability and schedules. But we'd always make it a point to see each other each trip, even if for a few hours to catch up.
We've kept in touch via text throughout the years as more of a pen pal situation and there was never (ok, if I'm being honest, a few times on my end due to some anxious attachment issues) guilt or resentment or any expectations around not responding and life/other priorities taking precedence on either side. We would sometimes go months without replying back/talking and then pick up where we left off and reconnect. One of the traits I find so attractive is his ambition and hustle, but it results in other things taking a backseat. At no point did I expect to be a priority since we live in other countries and are very much independent people in our own right, and NOT dating, but I don't know if this would be the same when we live in the same city (for the record, I would not tolerate this from someone I am actively dating/vetting). Whenever he's in town on business, if we're both single at the time, we'd make it a point to make time for each other and he would always be present, when he's physically present. He has some HV traits I've noticed, but some potential flags that are obviously hard to vet since we've never actually dated or lived in the same country. The few potential flags around spotty communication, and being able to be fully present when he is, but aloof when he's not might only be due to the fact that we live a world away or they may be potentially red flags. Again, hard to vet since we've never actually dated before. We are also both mindful and live with an abundance/growth mindset and have always enjoyed each other's company and energy. He's respectful, never pushy, very complementary, especially relating to my intelligence, celebrates my wins, and comments on my prolific achievements.
Long story, short. His contract abroad is due to end soon and he informed me he's planning on returning back here. I'd really like to transition this situationship to something more, or at the very least, actually date each other and see if this could be a viable relationship, since truthfully I'd really like to get to know each other and see if my gut feelings about him are right (in a good way), or if I just like the potential/dream. I'm really at a loss though of how to transition from our previous sex heavy situationship, to a potential date/viable partner and establish new boundaries and expectations, when from an FDS perspective, we're not starting from zero. This is a conversation I would like to have with him once he's actually back here since it seems moot otherwise. I made some comment to him the last time we spoke that if he moves out here I expect a real date which he was totally on board with. I want to shift the dynamic since if he's here, I def am not interested in a FWB situation and want to date with intention of a long term committed relationship. I'd love your thoughts on how to do that, and is that possible to do (and has anyone had success with this)?
TL;DR Can you transition from a previous long distance fwb situation to a courtship/future relationship once you're both living in the same city? And if so, how?
Remember: if he wanted to, he would. To be honest, I think if he were truly interested in being in a long-term relationship with you, he would have already initiated one. A man who is interested in being in a serious, exclusive, long-term relationship with you will make his intentions clear. A HVM communicates clearly and gives his love interest his full and undivided attention whenever he is spending time with her.
I’d love to see what others have to say on this. Personally, I don’t think transitioning from FWB to a long term relationship is always possible. You’ve already talked about poor communication, how you’re not expecting to be a priority (which you should be. You’re giving him your body sis..), and how you wouldn’t tolerate this from someone you’re actively dating. I think you’re more into the idea of him then the real him. It’s possible things can change when he comes back, but you’re already in the FWB dynamic. If you want something more you have to set that boundary and stick to it. Otherwise, you’re honestly taking scraps from him. You deserve better. He’s doing the bare minimum, not even really hitting bare minimum tbh, and you’re seeing it as something more. You should focus on people who show interest consistently and don’t use you for sex. What you are to him is probably a nice hookup/part time girlfriend when he comes to visit. YOU asked HIM for a date when he gets back. You’re putting in more effort than he is. If it had potential for something more, you wouldn’t question it. He would’ve been showing effort the entire time, which from what you’ve shown he shows effort when you’re giving it up. Then it’s kind of like out of sight out of mind when he leaves. Just because you had sex does not mean you know him. You still need to get him if you want something more. From what I’ve read, he isn’t very high value. He’s just treating you like a human.
If he wants to, he will. It's not on you to make it happen.
Yup, you're absolutely right. I think I tried to justify it because a LTR wasn't possible because we were geographically in other countries a world away, and originally his contract wasn't ending for another few years, but timeline changed because of the pandemic. Either way, I'm listen to you all (and really, myself) and stepping back. If he moves out here, and does the right things, I'll consider it, but for now, he's off the table. Thx!
Absolutely! That's the direction I'm heading in. Thanks for your guidance and advice. Really appreciate it.
i’m 20 but i wouldn’t. a lot of people just use a fwb as a placeholder situation from what i’ve realized
I appreciate this perspective, thank you. I will add, my wants/desires have changed. When we first met I wasn't in the best place and was dealing with some work related bullying/gaslighting/CPTSD. I only wanted something physical with a little bit of occasional companionship, because it was all I could handle. It worked for me for a while. All the while, and throughout the pandemic I spent that time working on myself and therapy and am in a much more secure and loving place of knowing exactly what I want and need. I had to fall back in love with myself before I could even entertain the idea of something more, with him, or anyone else. I think that's why I'm trying to figure out how do I proceed in a healthy way, while wanting to at least give this a realistic shot for something more, given this opportunity. I asked him for a date because in the beginning we said if circumstances change and if someone wants something else, to ask for it. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and if I have space for him. I think maybe we're both passively testing the temperature until this move actually happens... or maybe I'm just making excuses because my gut/intuition keeps pulling me in this direction. 🤷🏻♀️
I would not ask him to give you a relationship. You also need time to actually date him and think about whether you’re a good fit beyond the sex. Don’t prematurely restrict yourself and keep your options open. You don’t really know him. Let him be the one to ask for it and prove he wants to be exclusive.