My Story with "The One!"

Hi!

I am 25, and from a really young age, I would spend hours upon hours watching.. you guessed it. *gasp* romantic films. Always wondering when it would be my turn to live this breath-taking life. That's what my life's purpose is, right? Meeting "the one" and finally feeling whole. Every time, before going to sleep, I'd say to myself "when will my life begin?" because surely, life only begins when someone makes you feel worthy, right? ..

And so.. it begins! With severe acne, shaky hands and a heart full of (quite desperate) love, I entered highschool. That's where the magic happens.. or so I thought. I still remember the first day. I dropped my backpack (ON PURPOSE), expecting mr-dreamy-guy to pick it up and say something along the lines of "careful there.. you're new here, right?" but.. it doesn't work like that. I picked up my backpack and went home, disappointed with myself. Maybe it's me. Maybe I should start studying the girls from my favorite movies. "That's it! That's the secret. I'm just not interesting enough! All I have to do is change!"

Day after day, I shapeshifted into every single cliche you could ever imagine. Mysterious girl who's an asshole to everyone and stares off into the distance, doesn't talk much but says just enough for you to say "huh.. she's deep!", happy-go-lucky girl that does not plan much and accepts what happens without becoming worried. I could go on and on, but let's just say that I kept making a fool of myself, until.. JACKPOT! Finally, someone's interested!

Aaand the list of "the ones that got away" kept becoming bigger and bigger. Why couldn't I keep a guy around? Sure, I know self-care is important but I don't have money to spend on face masks, bath bombs, and so on. So, why can't I be enough? What's wrong with me?"

I don't remember exactly how it happened. I'm not gonna lie to you, my teenage years have been a bit of a blur because of abusive relationships and staying out until 6 am every. single. night. But.. it was as if I was struck by lightning. I was taking a shower and I started reflecting. It was as if the veil had been lifted. "I wonder how X is doing.. I miss him. But.. maybe he's not as dreamy? I mean, he told me the reason he broke up with his ex girlfriend was because they were together for 1 year and she was still not ready to lose her virginity.. wait..X is an ASSHOLE!!!" and, in less that 20 minutes, the list of "the ones that got away" had 0 names in it. I know, it's common sense for some people but, I guess I was unlucky.. and brainwashed. Yup, mostly brainwashed.

Skipping some years, I found what "self-care" actually meant. I spend time with my cats, make yummy food, watch my favorite TV shows and mostly stay at home because that's what makes me happy. I have left the dating pool for about.. 2 years now? I go to therapy and I'm still getting to know myself, after all these years of neglecting myself for the sake of "finding the one." Sure' I've had temptations of sending texts to men from the past, but then I remember that I deserve better than that. And honestly, it's not in my interest to meet someone new right now. . or EVER. Any man who disturbs my peace gets blocked.. had to learn the hard way, because saying "No, I am not interested" just leads to name-calling and about 100 eye rolls.

I know, I sound extremely dramatic and I apologize, but for my case, I truly believe that growing up with romantic films 24/7 absolutely DESTROYED me. But that's just my experience, of course it's different for everyone.

Nevertheless, if you've had similar experiences, I know how hard it is to find out that everything you've known is a complete lie. Rewiring your brain is hard, but you're definitely not alone. We've all come a long way, and it's so damn hard to be heard, but that won't stop us. Thank you for taking the time to read this.