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Recently fell in love with a man who pursued me for a long time. As soon as I started showing him that I was into him as well, he turned into a cold, distant jerk. After a couple of weeks of sadness I did something I had never done before and decided to walk away, despite still being in love with him. Told my friend everything.
This morning I was missing him and excitedly told her "well at least this means he will probably be obsessed with me from now on, for daring to walk away". I know, it's not the most mature thing to think, but I'm only human, and I should have a safe space to vent, rant, or fantasize about my love life when I speak with my friend.
This friend used to support me when I made a fool out of myself with my exes and went to sleep with them because I wanted them to love me, even after they had already rejected me, but today she said I was being toxic and when I sent her a long text telling her why it wasn't toxic (which I wouldn't have tried to explain hadn't she been my friend) she replied that I was "spiraling".
First time in my life I value myself enough to walk away, and somehow she says I'm being mentally unwell, because I dared to imagine that the man I'm in love with (but walked away from) will value me more now that I'm gone. And no I didn't walk away from him strategically so I could have him back, I walked away because I wanted to spare myself the heartache and trauma of yet another bad relationship. For the first time in years I'm in therapy, I'm taking care of myself, and I'm trying to be valued and this is what I get. I am so hurt by her words.
Recently she has also criticized the book Why Men Love Bitches and called it calculated after I told her the thing about not putting in too many efforts at the start of a relationship, so I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still disheartened by her reaction.
That's pick-me thinking on her part, so walking away from both of them is the right idea. He was playing you; she's standing up for him, against you and your best interests. Sorry for the double loss, but ultimately no loss if people don't support you wholeheartedly. You are leveling up; she is not. He isn't evolved at all. You'll come out better for having walked, I guarantee it.
I also predict that if you ever again have a "friend" who criticizes a tough decision, you won't bother to explain to her because you already know she's not at your level, she's still a pick me, so no reason to waste words, time, and energy on explaining yourself.
She sounds horrid. You should be very careful. LV friends are typically triggered, insecure and jealous when you start to evolve. She knows you’re leveling up and is deploying similar lv tactics (as lvm) to make you question your decisions, provoke and gaslight you.
For some reason I suspect she probably screenshots your texts to show people how you’re “spiraling”. She sounds awful and is quietly seething that you have the audacity to affirm your high self esteem and worth with action. People that are comfortable, who revel in your misery and indignity are no friends at all.
Your quip about him likely obsessing over you is obviously a light hearted snarky attempt at self soothing. It’s obvious to everyone except someone who wants to maliciously interpret your words. I bet she would have been right by your side if you were groveling after he had ghosted you.
You allowing your own mistreatment in the past by lvm probably allowed her to justify her PickMe behaviors, and now, you’ve taken away that excuse by leveling up. PickMe’s want their belief that all men are lv, and women just have to accept it, affirmed. That women can’t exercise agency or establish boundaries. That “boys will be boys”. That’s where the anger stems from.
It's tough to cut off both lvm and lv friends at the same time but it’ll only create space for your tribe in future.
My narcissist sense is tingling! When you start asserting boundaries and breaking bad habits you'll quickly realize a lot of your "friends" really aren't your friends, especially if you're the sensitive, helpful type.
PS Congrats on leveling up 🎉
Speaking from personal experience, leveling up/ putting up boundaries with OTHER people has this weird triggering affect on some of the people closest to you because they know deep down, that they're next.
Now, yes, sometimes if you're going down a not-so-great path your close friends and family will call you out on it. But there's an ocean of difference between "I want the best for you and am concerned for you" and controlling language and tactics (and in your case, calling you "toxic" for leaving behind a relationship that clearly had no future, that sounds controlling to me).
Sadly, some of our closest friends aren't true friends who want to see us grow and thrive. Sometimes, the only reason they keep us close is A) misery loves company or B) we make them feel better about their situation in life. So when we level up, they get triggered.
The good news is, while it sucks right now, you'll be so much better off in the long run. It's incredible how much mental space I have now that I ended a unsupportive friendship with someone I once called my "best friend."
It takes a mature and strong person to walk away while being in love. You rationally evaluated the situation and took the logical step.
I took your comment as a self-soothing joke. I'd be wary of this "friend".
Congratulations! You put yourself first and outed an frenemy. Out she goes.
We must know this if a man who pursues you and when he gets your attention and time he starts getting cold that's a typical pua tactic . You spotted the red flag and you acted upon your protective instinct it's not being toxic but being a hvw . Don't explain yourself to your friend . Your journey of leveling up is your own and something to be cherished by you ✨️
Your friend is giving...major projection vibes. Chill. It's not about you. Just quietly walk away from this friendship just like you walked away from this relationship. You lost nothing.