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My daughter is 18 and has been with her first real boyfriend (18) for about 6mths now. She's definitely all loved up but she's also maintaining her independence too which is great. My daughter said she really likes him and that he really wants me to like him and I actually do (I think). He seems to treat her well and he works, pays for everything ect. She said lately that he's socially awkward. He seemed more sociable in the beginning though I've noticed.
I find it weird. Maybe it's because I'm not used to having a new male around my home or her having a boyfriend. But he lacks effort in my eyes. I've made him feel welcome and always greet/talk to him when he comes over. I've invited him for home meals but he doesn't like what we eat the majority of the time! In the beginning he actually spoke to me a few times in sentences, offered some help with something (on his own accord) and gave me a bottle of Prosecco for Christmas. I gave him a gift for Christmas also and he's never acknowledged it. But now he doesn't even say hello to me, join in our conversations etc. He does smile but that's it. Things feel awkward. So I feel we all avoid being in the same room together. If he stays over he always outstays his welcome. I count the minutes until he leaves. Bad I know! He just doesn't talk or make an effort and it really annoys me!! I don't want it to come between me and my daughter so I feel I have to be careful how I play this. But I feel it is a little. Or am I expecting too much?! Any tips?
He comes into YOUR home and doesn’t even acknowledge you?! Oh hell no. Idk if this is a cultural thing (I’m from a middle-eastern ethnicity), but if I brought a male into my home and he did not respectfully acknowledge and politely greet my family, he would not be permitted to visit and visits would have to be outside of the home. How is your daughter allowing a male to blatantly disrespect her mother?! Even if that’s your daughter’s boyfriend and she’s 18, you’re still her parent and she needs to respect your house rules and boundaries!
Socially awkward?! The man lacks couth. This is the problem with the erasure of all old world values, including many that make us civilized and socially observant. He didn’t thank you for a Christmas gift? To not show gratitude especially to your gf’s mum is such stupefying degree of bad manners and gracelessness.
I think new age dogma has a tendency to pathologize poor manners as some sort of condition. He lacks home training. How will this sort of person improve her as she grows into an adult?
Personally don’t like picky eaters as they tend to have deeply rooted entitlement and juvenile attitudes.
It really depends on how close you are to your daughter. But if she’s unlikely to rebel, mention in passing, in a very neutral voice hinting vague disappointment, how you must have missed his call to thank you. Hopefully, she starts to notice his horrid foibles.
It’s a little worrying that she accepts this as good enough. Maybe give her books if she’s a reader with attractive male protagonists who are appealong to girls her age, and have HV, outgoing, leadership qualities.
It doesn't sound like a you problem, you definitely have a lot of legitimate concerns here and the situation sounds weird.
Red flags I picked up on:
.Not acknowledging you/saying goodbye to you in your own house - this is the literal bare minimum. It's basic respect and if he can't do that it's a red flag. I used to visit a lot of friends at that age and I always made sure I greeted the family on arriving and leaving, even if it was awkward. Him not acknowledging your gift comes across as even ruder.
.Staying over - I actually remember having a conversation with a friend at 17/18 about this! We had an acquaintance who stayed over at her boyfriend's and we were both kind of skeeved out by it. If you're not married, sleeping in the same house as your parents with a male and you're obviously doing things is just ugh. We were both of the opinion that it showed a lack of respect. It just seems like it would make a potentially awkward situation 100 times worse.
Seriously, if it's awkward to be around your girlfriend/boyfriend's parents at that age, just don't spend as much time in their house? It sounds like he goes to her house instead of taking her on dates. It makes more sense for them to spend more time at other places. Does your daughter spend as much time at his house/sleep over there?
For some more context, I'm 24 now. When I was 18, I was talking to this boy. We never seriously dated but we hung out at mine and his house sometimes. We always greeted the parents on arriving/leaving and we were never allowed in each other's rooms. The only time alone we got was in the living room at a table or on a sofa lol. And yes, our mums would come in and check on us at intervals.
Going into someone's house without greeting is pure disrespect and horrible manners. If I brought a man like that to my mom or my grandma, they would show him the door. 'He doesn't like what we eat', unless he has some real health condition, like diabetes, it is a sign of disrespect. If I visit my friend or my auntie and they offer me food, I eat, even if I'm not hungry, because it's basic good manners. He doesn't need to be chit chatty with you as there is a generational gap, but basic manners and respect should be non negotiable.
Even if it’s a petty “daughter, he ain’t shit” that’s more than enough reason. Even if he pays for all, some of the weird behavior is a put off, edging on disrespect smh. She’s 18, I don’t think this will be the final one.
I don't think he's socially awkward. Just rude.
I agree with the explanations in these comments that it’s a boy on the spectrum issue, and that he hasn’t been properly coached the way young women on the spectrum are coached to mask etc. Sounds annoying AF to have that crap in your home. You’ve shown a lot of restraint.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/bondibeauty.com.au/life/relationships/did-you-know-90-of-relationships-before-30-dont-work-out/amp/