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I was catching up with a friend from university and we were talking about guys we liked back then. We were talking about a guy I had met at a friend's house (birthday) party. I remember getting there late, thinking that it had ended, only to find it packed filled with people.
I ended up sitting down in an empty seat, next to a cute Italian guy who was in some of my classes. I had never spoken to him before but had seen him around and knew that we had friends in common. A mutual friend of ours came by to say hello to me and introduced us and we ended up spending the whole night chatting. He was very gentlemanly and flirted with me subtly and respectively which I hadn't experienced in a long time.
At the end of the night, he asked if I was on Facebook and added me before we both left the party. Two days later, he sent me a message on Messenger and we chatted for a bit. The whole week went by and he didn't message me again, only for me to see him the next week, in the library. He was sitting in a computer suite and I went in to find a computer to use and to chat with some friends who I spotted and just so happened to be sitting near him. While I spent time chatting with them, Italian guy would turn around, try to make eye contact with me, succeed in doing so and would smile widely before turning back to face his laptop. This happened on and off until he eventually left. I made the silly mistake of messaging him after feeling that we still had that spark since he had behaved the way he did......only for him to be so cold and dry in his responses. His replies came off as him replying to be polite but him having no interest in talking to me. I immediately felt so embarrassed that I stupidly messaged him first (something I was always against but did because a friend of mine said that he was "shy" and would "possibly be too scared to talk" to me 🙄).
I had met him near the end of the degree programme. We had 3 months to go and throughout the time we were in uni, whenever we'd see each other, he would either not speak to me or would be cold to me when we did speak. Till today, I still don't understand why he behaved that way. Strangely, at a leaving party that my friends and I went to, he came over to hug me and to say goodbye, as he was leaving 2 days later. He said we should "keep in touch". With how odd he was to me, it was an absolute joke that he really thought that I'd bother to keep in touch.
Has anyone else experienced this? Have you ever clicked with a guy, only to see him again and have him be cold, disinterested and/or indifferent towards you? I have thoughts as to what is behind this behaviour in men but would like to get everyone's input. I'd really like to hear what everyone thinks.
Yes, this is his game of intermittent reinforcement. When a man is nice, nice, nice to you, then casually cruel for no reason, then nice, nice, nice, then he suddenly avoids you, nice, nice, nice, gets you to chase him, nice, nice, acts like you don’t exist, nice, nice… ANY pattern like this to his behavior where he's not consistent and switching up the hot/cold towards you -- the brain gets hooked on this intermittent reinforcement. A person can get addiction to it, as weird as this sounds typing it out. Please look it up.
This is why INCONSISTENCY is such a gigantic 🚩! This is why I advise to ghost the 1st time his energy changes.
Yes. That has happened with me many times. I don’t have a good explanation for you. I think that some men just a desperate for validation, and they need to know they could have you if they wanted to, with absolutely no regard to you or your feelings, it’s a form of dehumanization if you ask me… he needs validation, but don’t care how that affects you.
Yes many times. I no longer get my hopes up anymore when thinking a guy likes me. Imo I’d of said that he decided to be friendly with you again as he thought he might ‘get some’ seeing as he was leaving. Probably thought you’d chase him. Sorry, it’s awful when they do this :(
He's got a girlfriend or a wife, and she's onto him. First red flag was not asking for your phone number and actually asking you out. He's got plausible deniability that you "hunted him down on FB and won't stop messaging" him now. Know the game. Anything less than whole hearted pursuit is a NO. And men aren't shy. EVER. If he wants you, and he deserves you, he'll ask you out. Don't listen to your dumb ass friend again. She doesn't know men.
Inconsistency is usually laziness or manipulation. Avoid men like him at all costs.
Anytime a man switches up on you or suddenly shows interest it means he ran out of options and wants to just pump and dump you. This has always been the case in my experience.
don’t waste anything on these waste of spaces
Definitely had this happen to me! Either he’s trying to play games or is only nice when no other girl is giving him attention. Years ago I had this male friend who would check in and would be so nice every time he was single or in a dry dating spot. It’s a red flag, pick up your crown and carry on ❤️
I was just thinking back to a hot/cold guy as well.. met him at a party and he was very flirty with me, shiny eyes and all. Then he added me on facebook. I was in a very libfem mindset back then and thought "there's nothing wrong with asking guys out," so I did. We went out, but the whole date he was just disinterested/bored. It was absolutely awful. I wasn't tempted to chase him after that, though.. I mean, I was bored out of my skull, wasn't going to repeat that torture. Anyway - nice to see this thread just after these memories.. I don't think he was trying to do the hot/cold thing, he just lost interest when it seemed like I'm available. But it's still a good lesson - NEVER chase the motherfuckers. :) Not worth it
There is no reason to waste energy pondering why his behavior has changed. What matters is that his behavior has changed. He did something you don't like. Now, act accordingly. Your feelings, while valid, ultimately do not change the fact that he did what he did. Ruminating on this further will not make you feel any better.
Further, it's not your job to analyze and figure out what's going on. It is not productive. You're wasting precious energy and time trying to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. Put that energy into yourself.
He showed you who he really is. He's not interested in you. That's all the information you need.
Block, delete, and next him.
Read the handbook again--it answers your questions on this.
Most men don't think about women's feelings, needs, wants, or consider them as people. They are too self focussed and lazy to be master manipulators. Intermittent reinforcement is a tactic sadists and red pillers use to extract resources (sex, money, etc) from women. Do you sense he was trying to get something from you?
If not, he's most likely just thoughtless and self centred. Block and delete and don't waste time trying to understand his behaviour. As others have said it isn't your problem.
He probably didn’t think of you at all and had no sinister gameplay. Probably has a girlfriend. The point of FDS isn’t to analyze why men do things (most of them don’t even know why), but to recognize unsuitable behaviour and know when to move on.
I like how men complain about women playing games then pull this shit all the time. All they do is play games.
Yes I've experienced this before especially when I was young and didn't have a strong radar for off behavior and interacted with a lot of young men who were confused and awkward. There's lots of good reasoning in these comments but ultimately you just have to laugh and go about your life. Men do weird shit that is beyond explanation. It's more important to immediately spot it and abort the dude from your brain.