Men keep saying there's no chemistry with me.

It's definitely a neg. A man that's interested in you will stay interested even if you're not touching him, dressing sexually, or being overly flirty.

You should NEVER lower yourself to doing what they expect of you, your own personal comfort is #1. You want to find a man that finds you as alluring and engaging as you are, who will take things at your pace and not place expectations on you, and knows a "spark" is something that can build over time.

When they say there's no spark they're really just telling you that they realize that you're not going to be ""easy"". Most men are operating at unga bunga caveman levels, even the intelligent and HV seeming ones, so they're just inadvertently admitting that they want someone who is more physical and sexual earlier on. Those are men you don't want to date anyhow.

You're not doing anything wrong. These guys vetted themselves out of your dating pool, and that's a good thing!

Men use chemistry as an excuse to extort sex from women. You don't have 'chemistry' with these guys bc they're looking for sex. Everytime a man says chemistry, swap it for sex and suddenly it makes sense

HVM are patient and consistent and understand that it takes a woman more than a handful of dates to be at ease. I am very cold on first dates and completely unapologetic about it - he is a stranger! A man who is looking for “chemistry” early on is either very immature about how a healthy long-term relationship develops, or he is looking for a hookup. Your success may intimidate him too. Either way, good riddance. You want a man who finds you attractive, intriguing, and is willing to take you on thoughtful dates for months to put you continually more at ease. Only then will you be comfortable flirting, kissing, showing affection toward him. And that is when you two may feel “chemistry.” I firmly believe that any kind of spark/butterflies feeling on a first date is a sign of anxiety, trauma, fear, dopamine-seeking, etc - your body telling you that something is wrong. Please do not let these rude LVM convince you that you need to be more revealing, flirtatious, or available early on. A man needs to earn a woman’s trust and openness. I hope you meet a man who is worthy of earning yours, but until then, stay safe and true to yourself ❤️ For the deep loneliness, I’m sorry you’re feeling this, I felt the same for years and I think it’s particularly lonely being single when you are successful and in a male-dominated career. Consider getting a pet, or even plants/gardening in a pinch - I think that nurturing and caring for a living thing can ease the loneliness more than another hobby or group activity.

This might be a weird tip, but I find that getting regular pedicures, manicures, and massages helps with being single.

Physical touch is so important. Many animals groom/pet each other, and people do the same thing. In the US, platonic physical touch is not normalized, so most people get this through romantic relationships.

So a) I wouldn't listen to what those guys said about cheMistrY. Maybe they want a hookup, maybe they want a pickme to feel superior over, etc, any way they are not on your level.

b) Intimacy is something that can be achieved outside of a romantic relationship. In fact, it's actually very unhealthy to only get that intimacy from a romantic relationship. So this loneliness that you're feeling will not be (healthily) solved by having a boyfriend.

It might be worthwhile to work on this with a counselor - developing intimacy with close friends and family, or new ones. Or developing a deeper intimacy with yourself, or a higher power. This will add fullness to your life, and you'll be even more equipped to find someone that really resonates with you.

Keep up the good work sis.

To me, not everyone gonna be compatible with everyone. People don't feel chemistry between you? So be it. There will be someone that gets along with you and you'll get along with them too. You don't need to change yourself in anything. You've only been on 2 dates! Don't be too hard on yourself. Not having equal compatibility is normal in dating. Don't EVER feel the need to look or act a certain way or lowering your standards for ANYONE. Finding "the one", especially a HVM is definitely not easy!

These men are misusing the term chemistry. You only know chemistry when you start to become physically close to someone. That might be on a first date or after a year, keep to a timescale that works for you. Saying they don’t think there’s chemistry indicates they’re impatient to get physical. Chemistry is a fine line between being comfortable enough to get close to a person yet being so aware of them that you feel tingles and excitement. It’s possible for one person to feel it and not the other so it’s also wrong for them to use the word, “we.” Never let a man dictate how you feel.

First of all, you are not weird for being lonely, many MANY of us struggle with loneliness especially in the West. Our culture is just not very conducive to feelings of tight knit community and togetherness. As for chemistry, I don't feel chemistry with most men, and it's nothing personal or wrong with them. There is a reason it is called chemistry-- most of us are walking around having no idea what our chemical compound is until we meet vinegar and realize we are baking soda. Chemistry can't be falsely created by wearing the right thing or saying the right thing or having the right hairstyle. Chemistry is really the feeling that (energetically speaking) things between you and him just work. You vibe together for whatever reason and you don't have to obsess about what to say or what to wear because things flow naturally between you. As someone else said, chemistry is not one-sided. Chemistry is a mutual energetic exchange; baking soda alone cannot have a reaction. It is much easier said than done, but I would start with challenging some of your unhealthy thinking styles. There is nothing wrong with you that you have not met your vinegar man yet. Chemistry is also not something that can be created, it is something that is found by happenstance. Focus less on what these men want from you and more on what you want for yourself. Do you want to be with a man who is not drawn to you energetically? Or do you want to be with a man who makes you feel loved and attractive even when you are in sweatpants and don't feel like sex tonight because you have period cramps? The second man is worth waiting for, but we don't find him by "trying harder". We find him by relaxing, letting go, and learning to just be and love our authentic selves.

Ha! Let that neg roll off your accomplished back. "Chemistry" is often just lust. That "lust" is a subconscious good genetic--or trauma!--match. Studies have found the chemistry tied to a good genetic match only lasts two years, if present--basically, you have a good gene mix and your hormones don't want to let the potentially super healthy human you would make slip from the gene pool. Genes don't care if he abuses you in the process, unfortunately. Neither does unresolved trauma pushing you to relive the same patterns with different people in the hopes of better results. Real connection is a choice of reciprocal, dutiful sacrifice, emotional/intellectual/spiritual equity, and just legitimately liking each other even on an awful day comes with time, and increases with time. You mentioned a religious background. Is matchmaking an option? Sometimes it functions as really efficient networking, which can cut through a lot of noise.

that chemistry bs is code for "you're not sucking my dick early enough in our interactions, so i'm done with you"

"chemistry" is about sex. men don't want to have intelectually stimulating conversations with us. they want to fuck us. they don't want a partner to be his equal, they want to subjugate us. they want us to be their mommy mcbangmaid at all times.

it's not your fault. i think you're not doing anything wrong. they realise you're not going to have sex with them easily, so they bail out. trust me, they're doing you a favor. you deserve better!

My advice is always to leave OLD especially in a city like NY where you don’t need it. It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to find a man who would humanize you on OLD. I got a version of this just before I deleted Hinge. Now I find the whole thing quite laughable because that male should’ve never had access to me in a million years. You will keep getting rejected by subpar men on the apps. That is just the culture there.

You don't need to politely acknowledge his text. I'd say ignore, block and delete but I know everyone's styles different.

Chemistry is a little overrated. You should have it, but it can be revealed over time and doesn't have to be there right from the start. If it is, it can also be a bad sign, pointing to attachment wounds being activated, or the excitement of drama and emotional volatility. Often we have chemistry with our polar opposites, but no compatibility. In your criteria you are trying to match for maximum compatibility (similar career, intellect, upbringing and worldview), which means you'll be less likely to have a "spark" with someone right off the bat just based on basic human psychology (the right partner often makes you feel calm, not excited). The attraction you are personally looking for is the kind that builds slowly, an intellectual connection that grows into something deeper over time. So if a man drops you for lack of chemistry, he is not looking for the same thing, so you did nothing wrong and your vetting worked. The only thing I might add is that although we vet, we don't want to treat dates like a job interview because that can make things formal and stilted. Maybe you'll find that someone who doesn't cross every item on your list, like not being an engineer for example, has a lot to offer intellectually. Often we don't actually want to date copies of ourselves, even though we might think that someone who has the same job and same hobbies must be a great fit for us. I like to say that these things are the flower, not the root. The root is their core values and beliefs.

Men will f*ck cows, goats, sheep, horses, each other, tail pipes of cars, glory holes, park benches, pies, vacuum cleaners, and anything else their twisted minds can think of. Men telling you they have no “chemistry“ with you is an attempt to neg you into trying harder and opening your legs for them. You’d be better off finding a man from your religion and marrying him. Especially in NYC. There’s hardly anything there for single women besides f*ck boys and married men. Be very careful. The last guy who asked me out in Manhattan was a married, Bonanno crime family, felon. I was attacked twice living there, too, once on the laundry room and once at Times Square in broad daylight. Keep your standards very high, and don’t listen to ANY of the bullshit men will tell you to lower your standards so they can have sex with you and leave.

It’s completely fine to desire a relationship. Online dating is bad for a lot of people on that, being thrown on a date with a stranger who is assessing chemistry based on meeting you once or twice is basically set up for failure. You’d need a guy who is taking it easy and just getting to know people to see who things deepen with. Often though, guys are wanting fireworks, lots of attention, looking for sex. I am more reserved now when I get to know people after being very warm and affectionate when I was younger. Guys now feel ’off’ because they are used to people acting obsessed with them super fast, whereas before guys were happy but it’s cause they were just looking to feel good about themselves not because they valued me. So just know that most of online is men looking to be adored and get lots of validation and sex. Do not go to provide them with ego stokes. Any solid guy on an app will be looking to get to know a girl. It’s just mostly crap. It’s not you and don’t you dare think about trying to up the sex appeal I promise you, if a guy is looking for a toy to titillate him you do not want to be that. You’re looking for a guy who’s serious and wants the mental stimulation Unfortunately 90 percent of online guys are throwaways and look at the women as free escorts. when you’re not a free escort they go to the next woman in the online catalog. It’s gross but that’s how they see it.

Stop wondering. There’s nothing you’re doing wrong. You don’t know these guys, and they are lying because if you were really as brilliant and interesting to these guys as they say, there would be chemistry. Just ignore them and keep doing your thing. Not every one will be a match.

Neg

I really think that the only men you’ll find on dating apps are ones that are too lazy to make an effort to meet people irl, and want an app to do all the work for them. Even if an app specifies that it is intended to be for people who want to get married, it’s still going to be infiltrated by guys who want hookups, and are trying to cast a wider net. Because it doesn’t cost him anything to sign up for another app. I doubt such men even bother trying to find out what kind of people the app is intended for before signing up.

Listen to “A single serving podcast”, episode “breaking up with the bare minimum”.

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/a-single-serving-podcast/id1458026831?i=1000544061613

There is a hot side to everyone. These guys just don't want to find it in you because that requires investment. You not being overly flirty is filtering out scum. Don't worry about that.

Maybe you are too similar too eachother? You can't force a feeling of chemistry but also I take a lot longer too.