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Another post here today made me come to the realisation that men claim to want certain traits in women, but their actions say otherwise.
For example, many men say they don't like "needy" or "clingy" women, yet the women I've noticed get most attention in relationships are quite emotionally demanding. Possibly so he can feel like a saviour. When men do date the more strong or independent types, they often do everything in their power to make her feel more insecure or dependent on him. He doesn't appreciate her resilience.
Men say they want a loving, caring woman. In my own dating experience, I've found men react poorly to you being too nice or generous with them. They have treated me much better when I've held back on even basic decency, really.
Men claim they want a woman who is sexual and confident in bed. As a woman with a strong sex drive I've noticed it has the exact opposite effect on men. They think you have poor self esteem if you are "too" sexual with them, they might consider you masculine or even have disgust towards you.
Most are also frustrated when directed in bed in even the most basic of ways, despite saying they want a woman who "knows what she wants". Again, the women who get the most romantic attention from men are the ones who don't have sex for months, have lower sexual energy, or are simply NOT attracted to them (🤡). Then these are the same men who complain down the line that their wife won't sleep with them.
These are the things that came to mind, but has anyone else noticed that their words just don't align with their actions?
It seems like there is a little bit of a Madonna/Whore complex with a dash of immaturity and insecurity. Some men have a self-hating complex (especially if they are not where they want to be physically and financially) and so if a woman treats them “too well” they may get suspicious because they don’t see what value they have- and they aren’t wrong about this, they are inherently….. worthless. Something else I’ve personally observed is that these same types will go the least threatening route: less sexually experienced (ie nothing to compare his mediocre sex to), less intelligent than him (so he can explain simple concepts that he understands and never feels challenged) and of course someone who is emotionally dependent on him (so he is always in control and will face little to no accountability). IMO- these guys are better left on the shelf or in the bin anyways because they tend to be manipulative and predatory abusers (emotionally, mentally and/or physically)
Men claim they want a highly intelligent woman, but when they’re with one in person, they don’t. Ask me how I know. I won’t in general date any blue collar guy unless he’s highly confident and naturally curious and a lifelong learner. (My ideal would be to find a handsome general contractor who I at least like to work with as an interior designer and who knows what might develop! It’s a cute fantasy!) One of my vetting strategies is that a guy has to have at least a bachelor’s degree. Masters or PhD is even better.
Yes-they are walking contradictions.
they also say they want someone who will stick with them in their bad times and “build” with them-the struggle love thing-but they actually really really hate women who do things for them when they are in a time of their life that they are not quite happy with who they are and haven’t met their goals yet. they look down on those women as women with low standards and leave them for someone who isn’t quite as easy to obtain.
my little philosophy in my head is that I would only meet men at the finish line now!
like one friend of mine complained to me “why are there so many Women building up men for the next woman to get the benefit, but so many men breaking down women so the next man gets a more jaded version of her?”
i mean it sounds kinda pick-me but I totally get what she meant and I have felt that way too about relationships. It was so relatable. and it made me see men in a new light before fds. Really drives home what you benefit from them vs. What they benefit from you if you’re not careful.
i will never forget tiffany madison's quote on this topic: "Most men claim to desire driven, independent and confident women. Yet when confronted with such a creature reverence often evolves into resent. For just like women, men need to be needed."
It's because men project, and because they need to see a woman's flaws so they can ignore their own. They can whine all day about how they don't want to date women that are "clingy" (read: emotionally available, but ultimately anxiously-attached), but that's because he can ignore his own clinginess and discomfort to be independent and direct other's attention away from it towards the woman he's dating. Meanwhile, because he's also anxiously attached, he gets all of the benefits of still being anxiously attached but seeming like the more "worldly" or "grounded" person in the relationship.
They also want so badly to believe that they're the sort of guy that's ready to, say, date a fiscally and emotionally independent woman. But when they actually meet these women, they can't hide their own flaws by paying attention to hers. A broke, insecure man next to a fiscally comfortable, confident woman is too stark to be able to be hidden. In their minds, if they can date a wealthy, confident woman, they're a wealthy, confident man. But surprise, when you aren't either of those things and you date one of these women, you stick out like a sore thumb. And Heaven forbid they actually work on themselves to get there, or decide to be inspired by their partners to do the same thing, or even (gasp) ask their partners for help/advice on how they got there and actually put in the work.
No, instead, they do the easy thing (and also the only thing these leeches know how to do) which is attempt to drag their partners down to their levels. And when these women wise up to their behavior and don't stick around, they're "frigid, mean b*tches".
@Juste, you must be in my head because I was planning on making a post on this exact topic!!! No joke!
You've perfectly outlined the many bizarre things men say they want but then end up not wanting and what they say they hate...is what they go for.
This warped duality in them is why they don't have long-lasting relationships with women. The goalpost is forever moving. They want it all - the good, church-going woman, the stripper, blondes, brunettes, short women, tall women...it never ends. It's why they cheat - they're never satisfied. They'll cheat because the woman they're with is not a combination of all the other women they want to sleep with which they find frustrating. It's also why they want to get with as many women as possible - they want it all!
I've learned that you can't really trust men. Whatever they say they want is what they can't stand and what they say they hate is what they secretly desire (even if it's only for the short term). Men will tell you that they hate drama while secretly chasing after the girlfriend that cheats on him and slaps him from time to time; while he mistreats his current girlfriend who treats him well and gives him everything he wants.
To summarise: men are mess and women should stay clear of them.
Fin.