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I work fulltime and have a long(ish) commute (at least 1 hour each way). I am a single woman. My colleague works the exact same hours and has roughly the same commute. He is married and his wife is staying home with the kids.
When I come home, I have to cook my own food if I want a warm meal that evening. I still have to shop for groceries, do laundry if I want clean clothes, take the trash down, clean, run errands and do all the little tasks that come up. I am greeted by a hungry, bored cat who wants my attention and his playtime RIGHT NOW. And I go to work with a list of the myriad of undone things in my head that I have to get to after work that day and feeling guilty that my cat is alone all day. And all this would be three times worse if I had kids on top of that. At work, guess who will be expected to spend their free time cooking and baking for the potluck, collecting money and buying a card and gift for that guy who retires etc.? Right, the women.
When my colleague comes home a warm meal is on the table. His wife prepared and packs his lunch for the next day. The house is clean, the fridge full, his laundry done and folded, all errands run. His kids are fed, entertained and their homework is finished because his wife was home all day to take care of them. All the hard parenting tasks are already done and he can be the fun dad playing games and watching TV with them now. Sounds like a dream, right? He goes to work the next day and will be able to fully focus on work, because he outsourced his mental to-do-list to his wife. He doesn’t have to feel guilty about his kids being alone either. His wife is home. He can spontaneously work overtime or go on short-notice business trips without a problem because he doesn’t have to worry about getting stuff done after work or nobody being home to feed and watch his kids if he isn’t there. His wife makes something he can bring to the potluck. He contributes a few bucks but has absolutely no time to get a gift or anything because he’s a father, right? And the women are so much better at it anyway.
At work, we are obviously judged the same. He can do more overtime and extra work and never has to take time off because his kids are sick, have an appointment or the daycare is closed, so he’ll obviously get promoted before me or the single mum on our team. Fair is fair, right? And yet he doesn’t even realize his privilege and luxury. Married men profit from the unpaid labor their spouses do for them: Career-wise, financially, in terms of mental health and stress, in terms of how society views them. Your invisible labor is what is getting them promoted. Don’t let them take advantage of you without getting something in return. Don’t do wife stuff for a guy you are not married to. Don’t sign a prenup that will screw you out of alimony or your part of the assets. Always have your own money. And make sure he knows and appreciates that his success is built on your back.
not to mention, being a married family man boosts his social standing yet most of them barely feel any form of gratitude towards their SAHW. it disgusts me often.
Women should have wives instead of being bothered and unappreciated by men. This doesn't have to be lesbian or even sexual: Platonic life partners are rewriting what it means to be in a committed relationship / ABC News https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA0OYqnrG9A
Having a wife benefits men across the board, even if she isn't a SAHW. In most relationships, a working mom/wife is still expected to do a good chunk of the cooking and cleaning and childrearing, which then frees up the husband to do as he pleases. No wonder marriage benefits men so much. They get all the perks.
I'm a caregiver for my mom right now, and I'm getting a taste of what being a mother is probably like. Taking care of a person, doing all the house chores, holding down a job. It's thankless and grueling. No one to fix my meals. No one to take care of me when I'm having my erratic and heavy periods and feel so fatigued. No one to do the dishes or fold the laundry. I'm crawling most of the time. It breeds bitterness and resentment.
I see now why so many moms are stressed and depleted, but, of course, they have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is great while they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Being a caregiver in any capacity is invisible, underappreciated labor mainly done by women. It is work that keeps this world turning, and it's seen as not worthy of celebration or compensation precisely because women are expected to do it.
I remember driving home from a job around a year ago and joked to myself, "Damn, I wish I had a wife at home with dinner cooked up already for me." because I knew I had to cook from scratch after pulling 8-9 hours and dealing with shitheads all day long.
As much as I don't knock on individual women's choices to become a SAHM or a housewife, I always caution against risks involved with that type of luxury. She must always save up her money given to her by the husband in case anything goes south, as they often tend to do. Or at least, stay active in her community with volunteer work, taking classes part time, doing WFH jobs, opening up her own business, and so on so that she can have her fuck off money just in case.
But I agree. Having a woman in the home is definitely an asset to men's life and his career and it's always so funny to see so many modern men foam at the mouth about it. They only want that 50/50 lifestyle despite it never really truly being 50/50 for the woman's benefit.
So accurate. And she doesn't even have to be a SAHM, working mothers are expected to do all that shit PLUS go to work and be compared to all the men who have their mind/time freed up due to their wives' emotional labor. I saw this growing up, no woman in my family stayed at home, they all worked, most of them in labor intensive caring jobs (nursing, home health aide), working odd hours while the men did a cushy 9-5, only to come home and be expected to complete all the tasks a SAHM would do. I always wondered what those women got out of the deal and I still haven't found an answer. The whole thing is a massive scam and I'm filled with glee to see more women waking up and saying NO to this insanity.
Two friends of mine, separately, have moved in with their friends. I've been comparing and contrasting their experiences and mutual delight with their new flatmates to how it usually goes for women when we move in with a male partner. It's like night and day. These female flat mates/friends add to each other's lives, welcomed each other, made space for each other, plan fun ways of treating each other, are warm and affectionate, pull their weight, are respectful, and throw themselves into the experience. How often do you get that with a man?
I've worked in the Army and in construction since 1995, and most of the men have been married with children. They definitely benefit from having a wife. She does everything for him at home. He can go home and do nothing. He can stop at the bar on the way home, watch the game, and know wifey is handling the kids at home. Then he gets home after the kids are in bed and doesn't have to deal with them at all. I'm always so exhausted working with these men because I have more to do when I get home and no help. Plus, I've got far less testosterone than men do. They're not dead dog exhausted after working from 0700 to 0800 like I am the next day.
The prenup is so important. Anyone who is Muslim here and will get a nikahnama, note that you should do a separate prenup if you live in the West. And go for the kill, whatever your background. If he whines about you being a golddigger, so what? Any man who wants to get married is a soul digger, timedigger, and energydigger.
I am sooooooo lucky to have my mom. Every morning before work she puts together a lunch box for me and my dad and my sister (if my sister is home). Then when I come home, the house is clean and dinner is ready. I am responsible for cleaning up after myself, my room, and my bathroom and I help around the other parts of the house but it’s not my responsibility. I also don’t have to worry about being home when things break, like if there is a leak I don’t have to sit around at home and take time off of work waiting for the plumber. My mom does it. And she feeds the cat and lets the cat in and out of the house all day (outdoor cat). Guys who think stay at home motherhood is useless or not contributing to the family or life on easy mode are full of s**t. They are ungrateful.