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UPDATE EDIT:
We just had a call because I wanted to talk about things, and I said I felt like things felt weird and weren't working, and then it was like a switch flipped and he aggressively dumped all my flaws on me in a cold and calculating way, gaslit me about things I did/said, and basically laid out that after 8-ish dates he "wasn't sure about me anymore" because of those flaws (and they were petty af), but I was prepared thanks to you ladies.
I might still cry because he was so fucking MEAN and who dumps someone right before Christmas??? But thanks to everyone who commented.💖
Also because I'm petty af, we never had sex but we fooled around a little, he has a small 🦐. I barely touched it and he gave me like 5 orgasms, so maybe I won. 💃
small morning edit: I didn't cry! Not a single tear!
Thanks again for all the positive AND critical energy because I do need the tough love in order to learn. FDS is a godsend.
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ORIGINAL POST:
I'm currently struggling with figuring out if I'm genuinely seeing flags for what they are, or if I'm looking for conflicts where there aren't any, in order to justify pushing people away (romantically AND platonically) before they hurt me.
I have an anxious/disorganized attachment style that I've worked very hard through but there's still lingering doubts every once in a while.
I know FDS teachings tend to err on the side of caution and dumping a guy as soon as you get a bad vibe, but because of said attachment style, I feel like my instincts aren't always trustworthy.
I'm less concerned about the guy specifically and more concerned about if I'm ignoring potential orange/red flags because I feel like I can't trust my own judgment, if that makes any sense???
Context: Dating a guy for almost 2 months. Both early 30s.
Plans every date (activity + dinner + smaller things like coffee/drinks) and pays for everything.
He's pretty consistent, understanding/respectful of my boundaries, and communicative.
Thanks to FDS and my own personal growth, I feel the most "secure" (attachment-wise) that I ever have in dating.
BUT... a few things make my anxieties resurface.
#1: Early on, he told me that he would be willing to see me throughout the week if I asked, for example after work or whatever. When I finally wanted to see him more than 1x a week, he suddenly had to "think of how to make it work with [his] schedule" but he thanked me for bringing it up and telling him what I wanted.
Honestly if he had never said it to begin with I probably wouldn't be anxious at all, but the fact he offered it and then took it back makes me question if there's an ulterior reason why.
If he wanted to see me more he would make the time for me like he does for his friends and hobbies. But on the flip side, he actually takes the time to plan ahead for our dates and make them great, so am I just being overly sensitive?
He did say that he would have more time for me "soon".
#2: We had the boyfriend/girlfriend exclusivity talk but it had no real conclusion. He asked "What would be different from how we are now vs if we were bf/gf?" which felt vague and noncommittal.
A couple dates ago he made an offhand joke that I should ask him to be my boyfriend.
On one hand I'm not even sure I want to jump into a relationship just yet, but on the other hand I feel like if he was actually interested in me wouldn't he be eager to lock me down rather than being vague and making jokes...?
#3: This is more of a general thing rather than a specific incident... but sometimes I feel like he's pulling away because I have a hard time differentiating natural dating/relationship ups and downs from actual pulling away.
That week between dates sometimes feels extremely distancing, especially because neither of us are big texters (and he's said he won't change that). He's not overly affectionate either so I don't get that ~I can't wait to see you again~ vibe from him.
But I wonder if this is because I've had too many hot-cold dramafest situationships that I'm mistaking something stable and mature for disinterest?
The rational side of my brain says if he's still putting in the same effort and being consistent then there's no reason for me to be anxious or overanalyzing things. But the irrational side is worried I'm missing a big red neon sign that says "go no further".
I really could use some objective takes from you ladies💖
edit: also this was way longer than I wanted it to be💀💀
If he likes you, you’ll know and know quickly. If he isn’t into you, you’ll feel confused. You’re there and convenient. This guy isn’t the one. Throw him back and reclaim your freedom.
Your #2 is the big red flag here. Ya’ll had the define the relationship talk and he didn’t ask you to be his girlfriend. He IS pulling away. Don’t 2nd guess yourself. The end.
A guy who is pursuing you won't want you to date anyone else and will act quickly to lock you down. A guy who is playing with you will engage in this half-assed situationship talk like wHaT wOuLd Be DiFfeReNt if you were in an exclusive committed relationship than the status quo, where you're confused and he's free to keep shopping around? 🤡
He was a scrote who was looking to get his tiny penis serviced and when that didn't happen quickly and you started having--GASP--needs of your own, the mask dropped. I am so happy for you that you didn't waste more time on this abusive prick and also that he never talked you into his bed.
Next time, the first red flag is a stop sign, not a warning. The first one was weird but the second was enough to block and delete. Guys who make you feel confused are not serious about you, because guys who are serious about you will not let you feel confused and will work quickly to clear up any misunderstandings without judgment or unkindness because they're terrified you'll walk away. Chin up, sis. This creep did you a huge favor--now your memories of this Christmas can be positive rather than sad after the inevitable post-sex breakup he had planned.
Agree with what everyone said but I want to add that it would be interesting for you to learn how to trust yourself and be in control so that you don't have to be running after whatever breadcrumb a man is leaving you with. It looks like he is setting you up for a relationship on his terms.
"we never had sex but we fooled around a little" - sex isn't just PiV, especially when it comes to how men perceive you. You were physically intimate, and broke FDS
"I feel like my instincts aren't always trustworthy." - this is something many if not most women struggle with. You need to work on this before you date again
"But I wonder if this is because I've had too many hot-cold dramafest situationships that I'm mistaking something stable and mature for disinterest?" - well now you're gaslighting yourself. If he is not making you feel secure of his regard then ditch him. The whys and whats don't matter; if he does want you and cannot show if that's equally destructive to your long term peace of mind, and therefore he's not suitable. Don't overthink it.
"the irrational side is..." - not irrational, unless you have an actual diagnosed mental conditional. You are dismissing a part of yourself, moreover a part that's trying to protect you.
the moment you have more than one "but..." it's time to dump and move on.
Do you have a scrotation? I'm stupidly anxiously attached (not just self-diagnosed) and it's the one thing that helps me put FDS principles into practice (there's also some research to suggest that people with that attachment orientation stop feeling so batshit if they feel they have a lot of options: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167209341580). You're right about him probably not being that into you if he isn't trying to lock you down, so explore your options and take advantage of the fact that you aren't locked down (while obviously you should just block/delete him, if you're too anxious to do that I'd suggest just investing some energy into cultivating a scrotation and then the disinterest will come naturally).
Nah, girl. Stop. The fact that you listed above all of your feelings and how not so good they feel when it comes to this guy is more than enough reason to dump his ass. We women have been taught to hang onto men that should have been left behind long ago, as well as disrespecting our inner alarm bells when someone is acting shady or abusive.
It's time to end it and you know.
Also, the fact that you're an anxious attachment type leads me to believe that this guy is an avoidant. This type of relationship is extremely common and a source of many online articles and videos because the anxious and the avoidant are so attracted to one another. And not for very good reasons, either.
I'll reply to individual comments but I wanted to say thanks to all of you ladies, you've validated what my initial reactions were and I should 100% listen to my instincts! Thanks so much💗 My irl friends all told me I was completely overreacting but none of them follow FDS. I'm so thankful for this community. 😭
UPDATE EDIT:
We just had a call because I wanted to talk about things, and I said I felt like things weren't working, and then it was like a switch flipped and he aggressively dumped all my flaws on me in a cold and calculating way, gaslit me about things I did/said, and basically laid out that after 8-ish dates he "wasn't sure about me anymore" because of those flaws (and they were petty af), but I was prepared thanks to you ladies.
I might still cry because he was so fucking MEAN and who dumps someone right before Christmas??? But thanks to everyone who commented.💖
Also because I'm petty af, we never had sex but we fooled around a little, he has a small 🦐. I barely touched it and he gave me like 5 orgasms, so maybe I won. 💃
I don’t have much else to add except I almost went through the exact same situation. I have the same attachment style. Literally almost exactly like your situation. At first he planned every date and would drive almost 20 miles to come see me. my guy would offer things like in a vague and noncomittal way like "oh maybe we can do this" and then either not follow through or back track a little and it would make me so uneasy! Like way more uneasy than if he just never even suggested it in the first place. It was almost like my guy was unsure of me and was going back and fourth and he wasn't fully opening up and as a result I would pull back and shut down/not be myself around him which would make him more unsure. It didn't work out in my case either and he said he couldn't prioritize me after I asked him where we stood. All I know is that when a guy really likes you, you know. I’ve had guys still like me and I did a million things wrong during the early dating stages. I have friends that straight up cried to their guy 2nd date and was super insecure and he reassured her. Those subtle changes in behavior you described are unsettling and it's not just us - a guy should see the best in you and reassure you early on period. Your guy sounds exactly like mine and it's like they only want a relationship on their terms. No thanks.