Ladies, what should be our stand on the cost of engagement ring?

The ring is lovely on first look but is a little cheap on the second and third looks...to be honest. I'd say the fact you are asking about this means you already know you want him to spend at least 3 months salary on the ring which is TOTALLY REASONABLE given that he himself said that is his standard AND you've used that as one of his green flags. If he does not follow through on what he himself stated were the values with which he was raised--it's a clear sign he's scaling back his standards which turns that waving green flag into a giant red flag. He shouldn't get cheaper just because you've let him put a ring on your finger. An alternative perspective is that he was only looking at the cheaper ring for ideas on a more expensive ring. But I don't think you should ComMunIcATe with him to find out, no. See what he does as time will always tell the true story.

Personally, if I really liked the ring and had zero issues with wearing it everyday the price wouldn’t matter. When my now husband proposed we were both young and broke. My husband bought me a cheap ring that I didn’t like, but I was so caught in the magical feelings of being engaged it didn’t start to bother me until after other married women started making comments about it. A few months after we got married I finally told him I didn’t like it and he did get me a new one that I now love. I waited to have the conversation because I was 100% a people pleaser at the time. I don’t hold any resentment or frustration with the situation so it’s not even a factor anymore.

If it is nonnegotiable for you then you should let him know. It is important that you have something you can see yourself happy wearing everyday. I know that my method is not very FDS-like, but I only came across the community way after being married so now I know. I just wanted to share that it is very possible to be happy with your marriage if you do need that time to figure out how to let him know. Especially if your guy is checking all of your other boxes like yours seems to be.

Your standards are your standards, and you'll be the one wearing it everyday and wanting to be proud to wear it.

But since you asked for personal opinions on the subject: I'm really not a jewelry person, especially not rings or bracelets that "get in the way". Like right this second I own one necklace and 5 pairs of earrings. So I'd just want the most simple silver band you could image. That's been a well-known preference in all my relationships, so if I received an expensive/large diamond ring I'd probably say no because clearly he doesn't care about my preferences.

If the idea is to have something with monetary value in case the relationship goes south, I'd rather the $100 ring and a check for the other $19,900 to invest haha

I also like to walk places a lot, and being very small/short don't really want big sparkly jewelry making me more of a target, and generally would be afraid to damage/lose it. Like I wouldn't carry around the $20,000 commitment gift in cash everywhere.

Or if it's a symbolic commitment to the relationship cost, I'd rather it be used for the down payment on a house, or even a dope honeymoon.

As someone that buys my own rings cuz I can, I don’t really agree with the 3 months salary because part of that is based on old advertising lies. But I respect your standards.

However, I do think a guy should be putting at least a few thousand into a ring or at least he can buy a ring that’s more expensive than what I can afford Ex: if i buy myself 1-2k jewelry, he better show up with at least double or more. I don’t see benefit dating a guy who doesn’t earn more than me because I already support and provide for myself bills and extra luxuries. The ring isn’t my taste, but if you like it, it’s all that matters. If he truly is a HVM I think just discussing and making plans would literally be not a big deal and he would be happy to accommodate you. If he doesn’t and/or bitches about it, then you have ur answer.

Getting upgrades every anniversary doesn't make much sense. It's PITA getting same ring reset multiple times and costs the same as buying something new with bigger rock. Why not just get a different piece of jewelry every anniversary?

I’m not into it, it looks like costume jewellery. That being said, I think with engagement rings it’s about the effort he puts in finding a ring that pleases you. Whatever this might look like is up to individual taste - it isn’t the price of the ring or what it looks like so long as you’re happy. You can’t go wrong with a beautiful diamond ring though…

I want to choose my own ring (with his input of course), end of story. Let him propose with a simple band, and then the two of you go shop for the real thing together. I agree 3 months salary is a good benchmark. Keep in mind that resale values on jewelry are a fraction of the original purchase price, so don't think of it as a rainy-day fund.

One thing I haven't seen pointed out is that maybe he bookmarked it to find a similar more expensive one? Maybe he was going to ask your friends/family for their opinions on whether you liked that style of ring? I wouldn't jump onto assuming anything bad right away, if everything else is going super well in the relationship. People bookmark things for all sorts of reasons and it doesn't necessarily mean that he was going to buy that specific ring.

Consider telling your friends/family about your engagement ring preferences (cost, style, etc) just in case he does go to them for advice.

I think the ring is really cute! I would wear it, but at the same time, if I saw someone wearing it, I probably wouldn't assume it was an engagement ring.

In my personal opinion, (maybe side-note) I don't like diamonds. I'm not against them on a ring because they are incredibly durable and pretty, but many diamonds are unethically sourced and are artificially inflated in price. I should also point out that the three-month rule came from a marketing campaign by DeBeers (originally at 1 month, then grew); that doesn't mean you can't abide by it, but the rule came as a way of making profit as a business versus the woman profiting from the engagement.

All in all, price being an issue is entirely up to you to decide. Is it the principle, or non-negotiable? To help, I would make a list that orders the ring qualities by importance. So for me, I would put something like:

1. Appearance (is it pretty, is it what I asked for?)

2. Quality (Will the stones chip or tarnish?)

3. Ethically sourced stones

4. Price

(That doesn't mean the bottom of the list doesn't matter!)

Consider having a conversation about rings at some point in the near future. Bring up the concept of three-months nonchalantly, such as when making dinner. Remember that you're the one wearing this ring. If you only sort-of like it, you will build resentment over time.

I like the ring! If I ever get engaged I want a diamond ring with other gems in it. Kinda like this one. its possible he bookmarked it as an idea. Maybe he wants to add to it and customize it a bit.

when it comes to price I think if you want a ring that’s 3 months salary he should get a ring that’s around that price. I personally would be fine with a ring around one months salary. But I think it’s more about the sentiment with me. I want to know he knows what I want. And if I loved the ring o don’t think I’d care too much if it was 1 month vs 3 months.

but if its a hard rule for you , then it’s a rule for you. He should respect that

I think more than the price point, it should be a ring that you absolutely love. If that ring is 2k, fine. If it’s 20k, that’s fine too.

Many women aren’t into diamonds anymore and look for alternative stones. But it’s quite the leap for a man to assume a woman doesn’t want a diamond. That's a super personal choice. Hopefully he has a conversation with you about your tastes before he goes out and buys a ring.

Maybe find a way to lowkey browse while he's sitting next to you and you can subtext show him what you like.

Also FYI amethyst is very inexpensive and loses color over time in daylight. You probably could get 50 lbs druzy for $300. Tanzanite comes from Tanzania, so not an "ethical" option by definition. Both are beautiful stones, but you won't be able to pawn a ring like that for more than $100.

How did you find out what he was searching online while in the shower though? I didn't get the context. Did he leave a site open for you to see and bring it up? Or did you snoop?

It's about what matters to you. I personally do not care, and in fact do not want 3 months of salary on my hand (a 20-30k ring makes me so nervous. It also feels like a waste of money to me). My ex fiancée bought me a 28k ring, and had it custom designed. It was gorgeous. He was also a terrible person and pretending to be HV until he got me "locked in." I would ask yourself what will make you happy, but also look at why. If you need an expensive ring, why is that? Not saying there's anything wrong with this at all, just make sure you understand your own motivations so you can't be bought.

Depends on traditions in your area. Diamond solitaire is not a tradition everywhere, can be a house titled in bride's name.

Great question! I see you posted this almost eight months ago. Can you provide us with an update?

I casually spend $2-3k on gold rings with large, beautiful jewels. I expect something that will last us a life time (so gold and diamond(s)) and is to my taste. I don’t have a definitive number, but I know what high quality looks like and if he peeks into my jewelry box he’d see my style. So what I expect is that it’s made of gold with diamond(s) and to my taste. I’d expect it to at least cost a few grand, but if he had an heirloom I’d probably think that was super sweet and thoughtful, too.

I don’t want a ring. It’s a materialistic marriage standard created for more profit. I don’t want my marriage to be based on how much a man spends on me

If you are going to be a mom in US or Canada, you'd be getting a bunch of side-eyes and rude questions on non-traditional ring.