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I’m already pretty sure what your advice is gonna be. I just need to hear someone say it.
I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year now. Things were great the first 3 months or so. Then his mask started to slip.
-he invited me on a trip to San Diego for our 6 month anniversary. He booked and paid for the hotel while I bought more than half our meals. He didn’t discuss who would pay for the hotel beforehand. I thought everything was fine. While dropping me off home with my stuff at 12 am, he asks me in the fucking hallway of my apartment building whether I’m going to “pay him back my half” for the hotel.
I know that this is where I should have said “Sure, hun”, and blocked him.
I know.
We then fought about this for weeks. I know. I should have posted about this back then and gotten your guys help but I wasn’t allowed to post on the fds subreddit. He reeled me in again by telling me he loved me for the first time, and that our relationship doesn’t have to be 50-50. I refused to pay him back but continued the relationship.
-He planned and paid for a birthday trip for me, no problem.
-he has now invited me on a trip he was already planning to go on by himself to Hawaii. he has already paid for his flights and hotel. Today he goes “well since I paid for the hotel and it is quite a bit of money, could you take over most of the other expenses. I can’t be buying all your meals there.”
I told him I felt this means he doesn’t care about me and his excuse is he’s a student living in an expensive area.
My misgivings are not just about this; we have many frequent arguments; most notably, the recent one was he threatened to leave my apartment during an argument, to which I said “go ahead.” He then refused to, I asked him to leave multiple times, with him refusing. I eventually threatened to call the police and he finally left. So what this teaches me is he respects police officers, just not my boundaries.
Things are not “all bad” blah blah blah, I’m sure you heard it all before. I know if this ends I’m going to miss him a lot. I don’t have many close people in my life at the moment. I want the physical contact and the emotional support. I will grieve losing him.
I know this is bad. Can you please talk some sense into me. I have no one in my life I can talk to about this. When I tried to complain about the San Diego incident, my friends didn’t agree with me on not being 50-50, so they were of no help there.
Please what do I do :(
Edit: more things are coming to mind so I’m just gonna write them here.
I met his family and he paid for my flight there; I traveled somewhere else after and paid for my flight back. He had the nerve to ask me to refund him for paying for the flight there. So I should spend my time, emotional energy, and now money on meeting them?? Tbh I should have broken up with him then. I just said no and tried to explain my perspective. 🤡
He claims that because he pays for more things, it shows he puts in more into the relationship and he doesn’t like that
Last night he asked me what do I “contribute” to our relationship 🙄
he told me he thought his ex had had sex with too many guys, but he got over this in therapy and now “realizes he was wrong” for feeling this way
He argues about EVERYTHING and claims “well I’m allowed to state my opinion”
How do I move on from this and lose the closest person in my life 😢
He can tell when he has pushed too far and needs to “reset” you back to a mind space where you love him. He has learned how to make you “feel” loved from watching you these past 2 years. And so he puts on a performance. Once you are “reset” back to lovey-dovey, he begins his shitty behaviors all over again; pushing boundaries just a little more each time. As he sees you reach your breaking point he will, again, strategize how to “reset” you back to a loving mood. He’s playing with your psyche to break you down, boundary by boundary. By not leaving your home, he was communicating to you that you are powerless in this relationship. He’s playing a game and you think you’re in a relationship.
This is not about money or gifts. It's about him viewing love as transactional. He gives because he wants something back. This is not love and he will never change. You on the other hand have proper love. Love you don't want to lose and will experience true grief if it ends. This grief will be painful but healthy. Grief doesn't last forever but the longer you stay the more you will suffer. Would you wish your best friend to stay in your situation? You can do this. You can tell him to fuck off. You deserve what you give. Love and not transactional affection.
My dad always paid for every meal, every vacation, and every extra fun expense (like renting bikes in hawaii). My mom's money was always her own money to spend as she wished, she paid her car payments and credit cards and naturally a lot of her money went to spoiling us kids even more.
He never complained, he never made her feel guilty, he never asked her to pay dinner. I'd see her happy to pay the tip sometimes because she had lots of 1's for whatever reason but that's about it.
His generosity went to us kids too, even in my late 20's he paid for a family vacation and gave me a few hundred dollars as spending money so I could go have fun however I wanted (and do shopping!!). No expectation for us to pay him back, didn't matter if I had a job,
When he went out with friends they had this thing where they took turns paying for the whole group, and they were not nickel and diming each other they just genuinely wanted the group to have a good time.
That was my example and that is what I expect and look for. You're free to use him as proof that this type of generosity exists and that it will make your life (and any possible kids lives) so much better. But you can't settle for less.
how did he pay for his hawaii trip despite being a student? all his excuses to me sound like "i do have money to spend but i don't want to spend it on you".
He’s a stingy ass manipulator who is comfortable being inside your home against your wishes to intimidate you. He’s disgusting and you’re dodging a very likely dangerous bullet.
My ex-husband did this to me. He suggested we go to a Christmas market and I said that’d be great. He booked an expensive hotel and billed me for half. I was so shocked and didn’t have the money so had to sell my iPod. I was naive and thought I was being greedy for assuming it was a gift. It was absolutely a reflection of the kind of man he is. He was a selfish thoughtless husband as well. So please, end it now.
Drop him sis. Please don’t have the scarcity mindset. There are men out there who will never consider the costs when it comes to your happiness. High value doesn’t need to mean expensive, but it does mean to cherish you and use his capabilities to take care of you. It’ll be lonely for a little while but it’s so much better than being miserable stuck w his petty little ass for another couple of years.
ETA: my dad has had many scrotey moments and behaviours/attitudes but he ALWAYS provided for my mum and our family and understood that his money is family money, and my mum’s salary and the extra money he gave her as he earned more was all HERS. So even mildly shitty guys can do better.
You've made a decision, and it's the right one. Please don't focus on moments of happiness- horribly abused women have those moments with their men, too. Otherwise, they wouldn't stay! Those moments mean nothing.
Now, you recognize you are INCREDIBLY vulnerable right now. You know that if you try to break things off he's going to talk you out of it, and it won't be hard for him. You also should know that things do not get better. So you can do this now or you can do it later when you're more invested with more sunk costs and ties to this scrote.
Here's what I'd do: Ideally, break up via phone call. Do not let him talk you out of it, and make sure he knows you don't want any contact from him whatsoever. Say your piece, hang up and block EVERYWHERE (don't forget email). If you're feeling too weak to break up by phone, text. But I do not recommend meeting in person, where you can't just click a button and make him stop talking. He will probably still find a way to contact you, but you must remain no contact. He will try to call you mean and immature, but this is about self-preservation and recovery. You are addicted to him. You need total abstinence.
Stay strong.
I’m sorry sis, he definitely seems stingy. There’s men out there who love treating their lady out. You can break up with him and although you know he’s a scrote, I know it still hurts. Just know that pain will pass and you at least have support from FDS.
Being single will be healthier long term than staying attached to an undependable scrote.
He isn’t even giving or reciprocating emotional support let alone respect and basic human decency. He’s a musty crusty dusty and it’ll hurt like hell at first to leave but the relief after will be tenfold.
please watch Chloe_ on Youtube. She has so many good videos on the scam that is 50/50 relationships and utilizes A lot of FDS principles. You deserve to be spoiled, provided for and protected by your man not treated like a transaction.
here’s a link to a video of hers on this topic: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nthn2adjqTk
checking in! did you drop him??