Just broke up with my fiance

You are absolutely right. You would wind up parenting this man AND paying for him in the long run. It’s insane that your mom thinks men “can’t be expected to do these kinds of things”—like they can’t be expected to WIPE THEIR OWN ASSES?

All the studies show that women are happier single. There is no reason to tie yourself to a man unless he makes your life consistently significantly better. If it’s not a HELL YES it’s a no. And this really really seems like a no.

You should be very very proud of yourself. Breaking up with someone you still care for is one of the hardest things to do. The fact that the women around you accept that the men around them behave like children is actually quite sad. You should pity them and be lucky it's not you. All of the men I know and men in my family can do this. It's not kind to have poor hygiene in a relationship. It's down right disrespectful. If you can't even take care of yourself how can you love somebody else? If you are that incapable you need to go to therapy and work on yourself. The bar is so fucking low.... Let the grief in. Feel it and let it pass. You will get through this. Much love from someone who did the same a couple of year ago. Kind and thoughtful isn't enough.

I just want to add I think you’ve done an amazing thing having boundaries and sticking to your guns. You are brave and amazing and you’re going to have much much better life as a result. QUEEN SHIT

He may be kind and thoughtful but he sure as hell ain't responsible if he can't clean/groom himself You did the right thing leaving him, your life was already devolving into cleaning up after him. Covid threw a lot of people together and it kept them together longer than they may have otherwise stayed- don't worry too much what other people are saying if they're still in the throes of a pandemic relationship -it's a trip

Incompetence oh my god so much incompetence.. My biggest ICK 🤢

I'm glad you wrote this down and please read it every time you have doubts. This man will suck out your health, your money, your patience, and every good thing in you. He will be a black hole and you will die younger and age faster if you try to make it work with this man. You are going to feel so much better when your ties are all cut and you are no contact.

You deserve so much better. Other women in your life finding your ex relatable is just sad. They couldn't make the choice to leave and they gaslighted themselves into tolerating living with adult children. Don't let the crabs drag you down, you will show them that you will be happier single or with a man who has his life together and can take care of YOU.

Well done!

I do think there are things you’re not considering when you come to the conclusion that he’s “kind and thoughtful”. I don’t think he was kind at all. I have a sneaking suspicion about filthy men who are domestically inept, that it’s really a covert form of abuse.

Let’s start with personal hygiene. Personal hygiene at its core is basic respect for yourself and others. It is why we bother to make an effort, not just for our own health and betterment, but because we also want to earn the respect of others by not offending them with our stench. Personal hygiene is a mark of civilization and proper socialization. Anyone that thinks highly of you would not want you to think of them as smelly and repulsive. But he kept doing repulsive things to/around you. He did not care to earn your respect even on such a basic level it’s alarming.

The poop thing is beyond horrifying and sickening. Not only does this impact your own health living side by side in such horrifically unsanitary conditions, it’s simply disrespectful. I find this type of ineptitude to be borderline abusive tbvh. Nobody should live under such barbaric conditions, I’m not even joking. I mean, even caveman had hygiene practices and properly disposed waste to avoid disease. I don’t know this man, so I can’t speak about his intentions. But, I’ve wondered such abysmally filthy men that live with women are happy to live in this devolved state, especially bc they get a kick out of lowering you to this position. An unpaid nursemaid of the lowliest order, cleaning his bodily waste.

There’s a murky undefined power imbalance in this. It’s like the mental equivalent of spitting on you. Like the poop thing to me is horrific beyond words and automatic grounds for a split. And would he have simply lived in his excrement if you were not together? Would he simply live day by day in a bed of shit? Or was there an expectation that you would clean his literal shit? That expectation, not even caring at this primitive level for your respect or discomfort is where I find the utter disrespect lies.

This man is a detty detty pig. And I think there’s weaponized incompetence here. How come men that are able to hold executive level jobs are suddenly inept at home when the same skills apply with much lower stakes? Weaponized incompetence is abuse. Toddlers know not to microwave metal. He’s an asshole. From your narration it sounds like ge did this more than once. Perhaps its time for you to get angry and see this man for what he was. You had been put into the worst type of mommy bangmaid role.

You sorted his laundry and he still fucked it up?? Can this human even send an email? What the actual fuck? He damaged your items too. Hmmn. And of course it’s YOUR property getting destroyed by his microwave hijinks.

Are you absolutely sure this man wished you well? In my opinion there are two kind of scrotes, and he sounds like a fake Mr Nice Guy/ Mr Sweet Sensitive Guy persona. There's the more overt raging misogynistic bull Chad type of men, that are heavy handed and domineering, more overt, and many women know to flee from them. Then there's Mr Sensitive Thoughtful Guy. Never blatantly unkind, but under that facade you will find the truth of what they really think of you. The more covert types. They manipulate relentlessly and punish and burden you immensely through weaponized incompetence and subtle persistent dehumanization.

Putting your partner in a position to lie in a bed of your shit or clean it up sounds extremely dehumanizing to me. It’s time to get angry.

Gross financial ineptitude when you’re in a partnership is also financial abuse. So now we have emotional/mental and financial abuse. Creating high stress situations for you, and adding to your burden by not pulling his weight is so callous. What was he spending his money on especially since he earned more? No man would treat his dream girl this way. Rare moments of “generosity” mean nothing when a man adds to your load and is an unreliable spendthrift. You’ve saved yourself from high blood pressure.

He couldn’t afford even a small cure ring? That’s a crock of nonsense. If he thought you were a queen who absolutely deserved the best why couldn’t he do the bare minimum? Lived rent free in your house is a hard no bueno. And you shouldn’t move in with a man who is already leeching off you. What were his vices? Because the money was going somewhere.

And he made you his mommy and personal assistant. Treating serious tasks like vacations and not really taking on any executive and administrative functions. Just be glad you didn’t go through with this, and make sure in future you adhere to your initial instincts which were probably screaming for you to run from the get go. What an awful awful man. There are levels to weaponized incompetence and this one of the worst of I’ve of.

None of the PickMe’s admonishing you for your decision would exchange their own slightly less terrible husbands for him. There’s a difference between having to hassle your husband to brush his teeth at night, and waking up to a bed streaked with actual human excrement. FUCK THAT. None are ideal but one is definitely much worse.

Ew what. Glad you decided not to adopt. That would cause you ton of resentment down the road.

Congrats on choosing you and a better future for you!!

To give you some perspective: I had to let go of a nice but incompetent momma's boy 2,5 years ago. He had "proposed to me", also without a ring and probably because he noticed I was getting tired of the relationship not going anywhere. In my confusion I had said yes. My parents were against it, because they are immigrants and wanted someone from my culture. They eventually agreed to meet him and give him a chance. They ended up telling me he wasn't right for me, not because of his background, but because they could right away see he did not have the "masculine standing" to take care of a family. I was so surprised by their reasoning, and even more that something clicked for me and I actually agreed. I was STRESSED out leading the relationship, did not respect him for how little initiative and competence he had, and was losing my attraction because of his poor self-care. He had an MA-degree and a pretty good salary, yet he couldn't live by himself and buy himself food and like an occasional vegetable or two. He would just skip meals and was getting thinner and thinner. I was codependently trying to make him into something I could accept, when I could have put that energy into myself. Guys like this need another decade or so to become anything close to what we want them to be, if they ever will. We're still friendly, though contact is very rare. A year later I went to his place again to get some stuff, and I had zero regrets about my decision. I could see he was still the same person and that that didn't do it for me.

1- men are disgusting

2- girl, i'm so sorry for you... why is it so hard to leave someone when they're so nasty? like, when we think with our heads, it's simple, but when we try to act, our heart gets in the way...

i'm not sure how i can reassure you because i'm still grossed out about the poop thing. well, congrats on keeping your word and breaking up with him on the third poop incident. you put up with too much. you deserve soooooo much better! parenting a partner is horrible and it should never ever be normilized. it's like some women enjoy taking care of men. they like having a project "look how much he has improved thanks to me". i'm glad and proud of you for getting out of that relationship.

now it's time for you to start you leveling up journey! a HVM will be a mere consequence of focusing on yourself, girl! hope you get rid of the feelings you still have for him very soon. everytime you think of him, remember the poop and bad breath hahaha

Ngl I spent about 5 mins saying "Oh No" on loop reading through this. HE SHIT THE BED. lmao not a figure of speech "shit the bed" like he really messed up (though there was plenty of that too) but he literally SHAT IN THE BED. Like, I understand being sick. I have a delicate immune system and have had to take medicine that gave me life threatening diarrhea and I still managed to keep my sheets clean. Lemme tell you, life threatening diarrhea is scary AND embarrassing, but he didn't have that and wasn't all that embarrassed from the sound of it. HE LET YOU FIND IT!! Omg why didn't he just do the right thing and spend a few hours in a shame fueled cleaning frenzy like a normal person?! Wtf dude?

You dodged a bullet. Kept your head high and anytime you're in doubt just pull back the comforter on your bed and sniff those sheets. 😂😂😂

Whew, that list was insane. GOOD FOR YOU. Remember, this is him at the top of his game. THE TOP! If he's leaving ass nuggets in the bed and setting your microwave on fire now, he's for the streets. It'll never get better.

Well done on withstanding the pick me conditioning around you. When you grow up in a family like that, it's so hard to go against the grain. You're strong for sticking to your guns and your standards. They'll never live with him and deal with his dingleberries, their opinions are irrelevant.

It's ok to grieve. That's just love with nowhere to go

He pooped the bed THREE times in a year? Holy crap 😳 no, no just no. Maybe he has a medical issue but he should have gone to the doctor AND CLEANED UP that is horrific I am so so sorry. You have definitely done the right thing, you 1000% deserve more and please share with the pickmes this. If they still insist after three times you should stay also dump those friends. That's absolutely horrific. Once, if ill, I could get it. But THREE, no ma'am. I'm absolutely appalled, what kind of self entitled...you have dodged a bullet here.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I broke up with my fiancé almost a month ago as well. It is such a difficult thing to do. But based on what you laid out here, you were absolutely and completely in the right. It would only get worse from here. Parenting a partner is awful, and as you said you surely would have come to hate him. You deserve a man who comes correct.

My heart goes out to you. You are strong and resilient, and a true FDS queen.

100% best decision ever! A grown man who has a good paying job who can’t complete a basic task like washing dishes or wiping his arse. Unbelievable. You have truly dodged a bullet. Well done you - bigger and better things - sending hugs x

Wow, is this real? If yes, I'm so, so sorry you had to put up with this man-child. You absolutely made the right call. I promise you, there's plenty of other men who are way more mature than him and whom you don't have to constantly teach basic adulting like doing laundry correctly.

We mean well when we mother men, thinking we just need to give them a little push, some guidance, show them the way etc. but they just become even lazier and MORE entitled, not less. Remember this, queens: when we help out men, it solidifies their patriachal conditioning that women exist to serve and coddle them. It does NOT give them a guilty conscience or a push to pick up the pace, like it would give us if we were in their place. Women are socialized to feel guilty when they are an inconvenience or burden to someone, whereas men view this as their rightful place. Even if a man has done the work to undo this conditioning, he might still relapse if you handle his shit (in this case, quite literally...) for him. Let men fail. Let them feel the consequences of their own actions. Never jump in to save the day. I'm not saying this to blame women for ending up with entitled and selfish assholes, because women are victims of a system that's set up to disadvantage them. But there is always a way out. We live in a day and age where we don't have to sign up for this shit anymore.

- His personal hygiene is very poor. In 5 months of living together he got poop on our bed once and his underwear twice.

The way I screamed. That's so fucking disgusting. You didn't even need the rest of the list to drop him.

You've done future you a huge favour now, kudos to you for having the strength to end it when you knew it wasn't right. I hope you feel better soon and ace any upcoming interviews! And eww poop on the bed just no 😐

Good on you. He sounds like a leech who can’t even take care of himself??

Ok I would just break up over poop alone. YUCK. It’s one thing if he is truly ill but even then I wouldn’t willingly enter into a marriage with a guy who is so ill that he is incontinent although I would be there as a friend if we had been dating and he got sick. I know resources so I would hook him up with free diapers from the community. But our relationship would end if we aren’t married.

Oh my goodness... "No men can do these kinds of tasks"

Brushing teeth

Cleaning ass

Not blowing up the microwave

These are skills we develope literally pre puberty... While we're in the single digits age... Omg.

Im so sorry OP. He sounds extremely spoiled. Sure, at least he wasn't mean, but.... I don't want to parent a grown man either. It offends me. I just cant relate to someone like that, who had such an easy life.. I mean, if they are COMPETENT we can get along, for sure.

I'm proud of you. You took initiative before it was too late. It costs money to divorce. You've got a good head on your shoulders. I have faith that you will be fine. It'll take a little time, but you will feel better. Feel better soon and