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Hello Queens! I would appreciate any and all input that you all may have.
I’m seeing someone. He came up to twice to visit me from a different state. We’ve been talking all together for about eight months. I asked a question about him before (he takes me on extravagant dates, send lots of gifts and handwritten cards, calls every night, blah, blah).
Lately, he’s been talking about the future, and how in the next year he is sure he will get a promotion (which would mean a $40,000 raise and a more fulfilling position). He knows I want to complete a degree. He has said he could help me do that from the very beginning by making it so I wouldn’t have to work. I could just focus on my studies. He brought this up again the other day, how he wants all of the above “for us”.
My questions: What’s the difference between them just saying things like that sincerely and future-faking? How do I tell? Are there any signs? Do you believe men who talk like this are consciously, deceptively future-faking to get all the plusses that being in a relationship with a woman brings (companionship, her emotional labor, sex, etc.), or is it that they have good intentions, but simply can’t deliver?
Since we value actions over mere words, a better way for him to go about this would have been, to speak about sponsoring your expenses while you study AFTER the said promotion. Like hey, since I've been promoted with xyz benefits, I can and would like to do abc for you NOW. Or even better would be, suggesting to do abc for you without mentioning promotion being the reason behind it. That 👆 in my opinion seems more like an initiative to take action from his side, which is what we want. What he says he WILL do once something happens is as good as not happening till you see it with your own eyes. I do not know enough to say if it is future faking, but it might definitely be safe to not melt or get fluffy because of his "plans" for future.
It reads as love bombing to me, especially in the context of the other things you have written about him in the past. I've come to highly distrust men who make grandiose promises. Either they don't intend to follow through or they will use whatever they promised to control you and lock you down. If I was in your shoes, I would pursue my education independently of him. Be careful about falling in love with the idea of him providing for you before there's any concrete proof that it will definitely happen. Also ask yourself whether you want to take such a big step with someone you've known for less than a year.
Look at his actions and ignore his words. If he only came to see you twice in 8 months, he's likely not seriously interested in you and has other women on the burner or is married. Ignore the gifts, cards, and phone calls - they don't take much effort. It's just a form of love bombing / bribery.
I don’t know if it’s future faking but DO NOT be tempted by his promise or come to rely on it. Even if he does end up sponsoring your education, he may also end up using it as leverage over you, especially if you stop work and put yourself in a financially vulnerable position. If he turns out to be an LVM, consider whether you will feel beholden to him and whether it will make leaving difficult.
I think plenty of ok men like the idea of such things. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t a liar and did financially contribute towards some of my son’s expenses etc. But it can be (and was) taken away unless you’re married. I’m a pretty optimistic person but I’d never count on anything a man said unless he was a couple of carats down.
Actions. Investment. When his actual money, so you can be a full time student and not work, starts hitting your account over a long period of time, he’s probably legit. Well, as legit as any of these delusional men can be. Lol
I feel like this isn't the first time you have asked this question. Is this about the same guy or a different person?
I don't know why but I just gave his reasoning a major side eye. Giving me the ick for some reason, I don't like the way he worded that. Please do not take up that offer, I'm afraid it's a way to hoard it over your head and start to financially abuse you. ALWAYS have your own money and your own job.