In defence of text message break ups

The mainstream opinion seems to be that text message break ups are "cruel", "callous" and "cold". That you "owe" someone a face to face chat when you end the relationship. I don't know how women as a whole feel about text message break ups (I think they're against it too), but for simplicity I will focus on my personal experiences, which means how men tend to react.

Oh, the indignity of it all!

I seriously don't get this. I've ended every relationship I've been in, but if someone were to break up with me I would rather they do it over a text/instant message conversation. If someone made me leave my house and potentially commute just to be dumped, I will absolutely hate them for making me cry in public and returning as

a blubbering mess on the way home.

Break ups are emotionally charged situations where neither of you are at your best. You're both blubbering, tearful and upset. If you want a conversation, how is this remotely conducive to a productive one? Doing it over messages allows clarity as you can type, edit and reword your input. There's no talking over each other and if things get too charged it's easier to step away from a screen.

I hear the idea of giving someone "dignity" or "respect" by a face to face conversation. I don't know if I'm an avoidant monster but I loathe the idea of being reduced to tears in front of the person breaking my heart. If I respect someone I would spare them the humiliation of breaking down in public. Being able to wallow in my sadness in the comfort and privacy of my own home is maintaining my dignity to me. I thought this would be even more important for men with maintaining their image of "manliness" and all that! So that begs the question...

What's your (men's) obsession with seeing the face of someone that wants to break up with you?

When I have ended relationships with men, I have noticed some common and troubling behaviour.

An initial refusal to let go of me.

I did not blindside them. I have expressed my dissatisfaction or uncertainty beforehand to them. Even if I did blindside them, a mature person should ultimately accept it.

The one I broke up with by phone call (because he was abusive) demanded I see him face to face and that he won't "accept" it.

The one I broke up with by text message did not express an issue with the delivery method, but similarly gave me grief for "letting us go so easily" and continued to pester me months after to "explain" why I left, even when I already have explained.

I believe men that demand face to face break ups want the opportunity to talk you back into the relationship.

With a message you are able to break free without interference. You won't see him stand over you and intimidate you. You won't hear him cry and howl, begging at your feet for another chance. You won't hear his guilt trips, sob stories and empty promises. You won't hear him yell at you and call you names for finally prioritising yourself. You won't feel him grab you to prevent you leaving or see him plant himself in the doorway. You won't feel him snuff out your life for the cardinal sin of leaving him. You won't be compelled by his tears and his physicality to "hear him out" even though he never listened to you, valued you or heard you.

With a message, you can block them if they act up. You can grieve the relationship and feel your emotions without him bombarding you with his to influence you against your decision and agency. You can grieve the relationship in peace.

Men hate the power we can have when we act without their precious input and against their will.

In a healthy relationship, a civil conversation can be had. Both sides would freely share their perspectives before they part ways amicably despite the melancholy on both sides over a lost relationship.

Sadly too many men have forfeited their chance of this outcome. Even for the men you think are "reasonable" and were okay boyfriends, you don't know if they will become overbearing, entitled exes.

I don't believe a text message break up has to be cold and distant if it's a continuous conversation and not a "Im breaking up with u" one liner. I believe they should be normalised if you're not married and/or living together.

I can only see it being cold in those situations because you've invested more together as an actual unit or partnership (so they're likely to be decent) and live together (no public humiliation). Even then, if they show signs of entitlement, unwillingness to let go, controlling behaviour or danger, send the message and get out!

A face to face breakup should be a courtesy, not an entitlement.

Until I find a healthy partnership or marriage, it is safer, faster, more efficient and more dignified to break up on messages.

Am I a cold unfeeling asshole for believing this? Maybe, but I stand by it.