I was thinking today about what would lead to proper treatment and success. I think the only way to enter into a situation where someone will get to know who you are, and value you for your character is if they are actively seeking a life partner to build with. If someone is not sure what they want, or don’t think they are in the position to execute on marriage, then they are looking for sex and attention, or they will expect things to fall into place (which doesn’t happen anymore than a manicured garden happens on its own). They are looking for someone who makes them feel good which is a very temporary and fleeting thing. I don’t think it’s safe to date people who aren’t serious and intentional. Otherwise there is no goal, no reason to ‘work’ at something, it’s all about them and feeling good. the only reason I perceive someone will have to put in work, invest, and understand is if the person is aware that they do not want to be single, they want a partner to go through life with and have the maturity to understand that the other person‘a experience will be a big factor in longevity. I really don’t believe anyone who has no end goal is worthwhile. I also think they have to be practicing monogamy and are not into porn or social media of their own accord before you come into the picture. They really have to have depth and be someone who has thought about the big picture. Direction is so important. Ive had a big shift where I don't care how attractive, or how charming a man is, if I don’t see husband material I won’t entertain it. When looking for a life partner you just have a different perspective and values. You want to be reliable. There’s a lot of levelling up you can do, and you could even with be with a man who’s respectful and doing well in his life, but if he’s not aiming for a life partner then there is a ceiling you’re inevitably going to hit, because he doesn’t want things to go there.
top of page
.png)
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement
bottom of page
I dismiss men who aren't husband material in any way.
As an older woman twice married, overall still yes. I want lifetime, long-term companionship but without marriage or cohabitation. I want a man who’s a provider but in a more updated, non-traditional way: he provides quality time, gifts, emotional support and understanding, and is generous with his money, time, expertise, and conversation. He’s generous with himself and gives freely from the heart!
I can’t believe that I used to think a person would commit to me if i just made them like me enough 🤦♀️
part of what I could have done in the past to save soo much time-and will do in the future-is take a look at their past relationships as they are often pretty quick to volunteer information about those. If he has stayed with someone past when he knew they were not the one such as had a “forever girlfriend” in the past, or has a history of jumping from relationship to relationship, he won’t be mature enough to be upfront and end things and save you from wasting your time if he is not feeling it.
there must have been a reason he stayed in past relationships and that always means he was using these women for something. Either for the domestic labor or a place to live, or to not be alone, does‘t matter the reason. means he doesn’t mind stealing a woman’s time. her most precious resource and the one thing you cannot take back ever once it is stolen away.
so he may not be up front about not wanting to commit. It’s certainly helpful when they do and early on, and makes it easier to weed them out. The worst, most manipulative ones, won’t tell you up front and fds handbook is helping me to figure out ways to protect myself from this recurring theme of men from my past.
He may commit just until what he thinks he really wants comes along. Or because of benefits to him other than truly wanting a partner for life. I would never settle for someone and cannot respect someone who would. Imagine knowing you got settled for. yet people do this all the time and then are unhappy.
Your post is so profound because it is so so true. This is why I appreciate FDS; it’s a relief finding a community that sees the truth for what it is.
When women are spending ages wondering why he won’t commit to them properly it‘s because of this simple truth: he’s not looking for a life partner; only a person that can provide him with whatever benefit he’s looking for or he is, but not with her.
For a long time, I have thought about this being the case and when I’ve talked about it with people, they don’t seem to understand what I’m saying or make excuses for these men. I mean, what else could it be? If you don’t see a future with the person you’re dating then you’re dating them because of what they can do for you!
Like you said, a man’s mindset will determine how he approaches a woman. If he actually wants a life partner then it’ll show in how he dates. He would’ve done the work to be what a partner wants and deserves.
I used to look for fwb situationships and it was because I was scared of intimacy and had avoidant attachment issues. So I can confirm this. I have healed since then.
Exactly. I think every woman looking for what you described, whether she's honest with herself or inexperienced to manipulation. I don't believe the high quality you described is out there anymore. There's too much hatred to date. I wouldn't have kids with the abusers that exist. The kids that were born into that situation unfortunately, are now so messed up the future looks worse for a balanced society to be healthy.
"if he’s not aiming for a life partner then there is a ceiling you’re inevitably going to hit, because he doesn’t want things to go there."
1000% agree. i do OLD because meeting in person isn't an option here and i've gotten pretty good at recognizing when i'm close to that ceiling. always trust your intuition.
this one is a hard pill for me to swallow. My first ex often spilled the beans about the many women he dated and referred to as his "ex-girlfriends" but we are all pushing 30's and no ones paired up with life partners yet. I certainly don't expect to be any time soon, much less him. Then he described reasons for dumping them all seemed childish to me like one girl smelled this way or the other, like when is dating someone and calling them a bf/gf for fun? When is it not serious or serious dating? And I refer to him as my ex but he really was a ex-situationship, I never called him my boyfriend. By this point, I've never actually had a boyfriend. I don't give out that label easily, for better or worse. I'm not ready to offer myself in a partnership and I don't think I will ever be.
Thank you for posting this - I really needed to hear this!