I was asked to write a post about how I analyze men's texts...

Last week, I was asked by some of you to elaborate on how I analyze text messages. I wrote something, but didn’t post it. I realized I don’t actually analyze my communications with men (not anymore), and breaking down how I reach a conclusion actually isn’t all that helpful in the grand scheme. Agonizing over word choice, syntax, punctuation, emojis…it’s just more wasted time spent analyzing men’s intentions.

My observation is that many women need to get in touch with their intuition — their inner knowing, their inner sense of “ugh.” We have been trained, by mere virtue of living in this society, to disregard our feelings — especially feelings of discomfort, or those that could inconvenience a man. For many years I walked around in a kind of dissociative fugue, disconnected from my own inner truth and myself as a person. We must first know ourselves to trust ourselves — we must block out all the other, louder voices that tell us we do not know what’s best. We must listen to this inner voice of self knowing and protection, and then we must act.

A lot of women seem to know something is amiss with a suitor, but they question their judgement. We see this on Internet forums where women post sad missives with titles like “Should I dump him?” “Should I block him?” and the answer is always obvious: yes.

Why do we need to crowdsource a truth that should live fiercely inside of us? We do we need validation from others that we are making the right choice? Fear of scarcity? Fear of making a mistake, so a rare good man “gets away?”

No good man gets away because you listened to your gut. Read that again: no good man gets away because you listened to your gut.

As soon as you get that feeling, that “ugh, jeesh, what is that, eww, why would he say / do that” feeling, that tide of dissonance that makes you feel anxious, unsure, confused — get out. Get good at listening to that feeling and acting on it, fast, rather than ignoring it, chasing confirmation, giving chances. “But he hasn’t done anything *that bad* yet.” Not yet? So the choice is to wait around for that iron shoe to drop, so that you can check the box that says “I communicated. I was fair. I didn’t jump to conclusions.” This is what is expected of women, and it is holding us back. More emotional labour hoops to stumble through.

When you feel something is wrong, even if the feeling is quiet or slight, even if it expresses itself as a gentle “hmm,” you should absolutely allow yourself to jump to conclusions. If it’s a true question mark, where more information is required, you can quietly observe — briefly.  But also let yourself go there, to that scenario that rises up inside of you when your mind is at rest - in your dreams, when you’re drifting toward sleep, when you’re massaging your scalp in the shower. Your body has a way of knowing the truth and you cannot lie to it, nor can you change the truth of what a person is — you can only break yourself against it.

It has taken me decades to learn this. To learn to trust what I feel and what I see.

If I had one wish for something I could change for all women, it would be to create resources to train this inner knowing so it is strong and swift, like a super power. We all have it. If we deploy it efficiently we conserve energy and save ourselves untold grief. We begin to root into our true selves and a community that can support us. When we grow roots we shift the narrative away from centring around men’s needs, their wants, their plans for our lives — and clear a path for the plans we have for ourselves.