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Hii I am a complete FDS newbie so please bare with me but here goes :)
TL;DR - always gotten crazIly infatuated over crushes, and over people that I’ve briefly dated and lost interest in me. How do I move on from obsessive attached ways and experience healthy dating?
Ever since I was in my early teens/tweens whenever I’ve had a crush I become completely infatuated. I‘d spend my spare time fantasising about the guy, making up scenarios in my head, and going on endless social media deep dives trying to find more ‘answers’ or ’history’ about this person. I would try to plan my day so I could subtly cross paths with them and even the tiniest ounces of attention from a few minute conversation, or a text message notification would give me so much happiness. On the other end I would feel upset or like my day is unsuccessful if I haven’t spoken to or gotten a message from this person, then go on to just the same filling my spare time with online stalking, and fantasies and trying to find clues. And repeat. I would just find so much comfort in the dopamine hits I get from this behaviour.
Problem is, this has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. After dealing with my first heartbreak at 17, I struggled to accept and move on from that person and I continued to obsess about their life. After that every time there was a new unattainable crush in my class college or a casual dating app fling, I would still be going through the same obsessive habits. I had a brief break from this when I was in a serious relationship for a few years but now that’s ended and I’m in my mid-20s and have reverted back to my old ways.
Most recently I had a crush on my colleague for a while which had become obsessive. We ended up hooking up a few times (without him knowing how deep my crush on him ran). We had some great texting back and forth and went on a few dates over a couple of months. I was well aware it was a casual situation and it gave me so much confidence that I felt excited to casually date around, including with this colleague. But then, he suddenly lost interest and with it I lost all my confidence and I’m back at square one obsessively online stalking, analysing any of his interactions with me, fantasising and replaying moments of our fling in my head.
It also appears that he is now in a relationship with someone else but I just can’t move on, and I just feel stuck in a rut, hung up and depressed.
I know all of this is super long-winded but has anyone experienced similar behaviour towards crushes and overcome it, and how? I just want to move on from my old ways and enjoy modern dating in my 20s and get to know more people and have more experiences without being so caught up on one person. How do I escape the obsessions and fantasy and get grounded in reality to enjoy what life has to offer?
thanks for reading!
I was the same as you, and I could only change my behaviour after internalising FDS values for a very long time and also changing the way I think. I'm not quite sure where this behaviour comes from psychology wise, but for me, I kind of always wanted someone to focus on so I didn't have time and energy to focus on myself. No clue why tho. So I internalised "if he wanted to, he would" and it hurt like a bitch to think about past experiences with men from that viewpoint but you have to accept the past... you can't change it anymore. You have to live in the present. And then, prioritise yourself. Tell yourself: no more men that don't apply to FDS values. No more LVM. The time you sacrifice to them would be much better spend working on something you love, or just yourself. Obsessing over them for hours? Put that time into a hobby of yours and you will be much happier afterwards. Your brain is addicted to the high you get from daydreaming about them every hour of the day, you gotta break the addiction. Everytime you fall back into old behaviors, stop and tell yourself a clear "No! I'm not doing that anymore." And continue until it gets easier. It will be hard in the beginning. Also if you meet any man that triggers your infatuation, he won't be the one. Remind yourself of this. I think I can remember that men who trigger that are avoidant and your addiction knows. You need to break that bad habit. I often read and heard that to women like us, who have had this addiction to LVM behaviour, HVM appear kinda boring, cause they don't trigger this response. They're present, so you don't get to chase them. They send clear signals, so you don't get to overthink. You get what I mean. You have to get comfortable in comfort and abandon the mindset that "love must be difficult in order to be fulfilling" because that's wrong. Use the time for yourself, cause no man will ever fulfil you the way that you can yourself. I hope I'm explaining that well enough, cause English isn't my first language. Anyways, stop the addiction, break the habit, feed yourself with attention towards yourself and things you love, friends you love. Start a new hobby that is symbolic for the change in your life and for the start, do it every time you feel the need to obsess over some dude that probably didn't even take a proper shower today.
Everything you have described fits the definition of "limerence." It's basically a person addiction. You become infatuated and obsessed because you are addicted to the euphoria you feel when you get reciprocation from a particular person, but that high comes with horrible lows. You have deep psychological needs that you are trying to get met through the obsessive daydreaming and the infatuation with these unavailable people. Limerence tends to happen to people who daydream and live in their heads a lot. You might also have anxious attachment. What you must do is identify your unmet needs and meet them for yourself. You may also need to accept that you can't casually date. It sounds like you might need to do some serious inner work. Some resources that I highly recommend are the websites Living with Limerence and Lucy Bain's work at Neurosparkle.com. On Instagram, two great accounts are Limo Life and Healingloveresource. Research limerence and learn all you can about it. Now that you know what this is, you can be empowered and take steps to proactively deal with the obsessing, daydreaming, fantasizing, and going after unavailable people who fire up the limerence.
I don't have the crush thing, but I got like this when my relationships (with narcissists) ended.
I am doing my own soul searching as this isn't an isolated symptom for me, it's just one part of a whole thing, but my most recent insight about this:
The limerent was an emotionally deprived/neglected child, rather than abused, it was like everything around was emotionally flat or sad. Coping strategy was fantasy worlds, parallel realities and maladaptive daydreaming.
Growing up, men who give you intense emotions become the new fantasy world, parallel reality, etc. Bonus points if they're narcissists cause the fantasy is particularly intoxicating (cause they don't live in reality either but for other reasons). In one word: escapism from void.
The problem is that just like any other drugs, any of this fantasies will leave your life emptier and the cycle continues. This is depicted very well in the TV show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Must watch if you haven't.
I'm pondering what to do with this. I've had fantasy escapes since I was a baby, it's not gonna go away soon. I'm thinking that maybe I should give myself another safer and healthier and more productive escape. Like art or games.
Also, I need to face that void so I can fill my life with things that satisfy my needs for connection and are also REAL.
I don't know if this might help you in anyway, but this is where I'm at with obsession and limerence.
It sounds like you might want to check materials on YouTube or online about insecure attachment style and codependency. All encompassing crushes are usually a sign there was a lack of emotional attachment from caregivers growing up
Check out Crappy Childhood Fairy (Anna Runkle) on YouTube. She also has great advice about limerence. I suffer from the same with crushes and obsession. Her videos have definitely helped.