I’m so lonely :(

I’m no longer lonely now that I’ve simply accepted the nature of men. Finding a good one is akin to winning the lottery these days. I don’t know any woman who’s happily married, and my own marriage was so abusive that I learned my lesson the first time. I used to feel lonely, because I thought everyone else had someone good, but I didn’t. I felt like something was wrong with me for many years as man after man that I met turned out to just be jersk and users. I stopped having that bullshit, fantasy dream of the man who’d take care of and love me no matter what. Men have never been worth any of the time I’ve wasted on them, and so I’m not lonely anymore. I don’t miss being yelled at, lied to, manipulated, ghosted, cut down, ridiculed, discouraged, ignored, rejected, etc., and that’s what being with a man has always entailed starting as a child with my father. The odds are just so low on me meeting “the one” at my age that I just do not care anymore. It was killing me to care.

The majority of men will not be able to give you the connection you want. This is a harsh reality we live in. We know our own capacity for connection, have probably formed close emotional bonds with other women, and so it seems possible and desirable to do the same with a romantic partner. When you have love to give, it's frustrating to have no one to give it to and no amount of self love is a good replacement for having someone to love and be loved by. You can simply acknowledge the frustration while knowing there's no good solution. Men are disappointing. I feel that when it comes to genuine connection, people as a whole are disappointing. True, deep connection is rare. We crave it because it's so rare and there's no good substitute. I have no advice but to embrace the emptiness. When I felt loneliest, I really made it a point to take care of and channel my emotions. That doesn't make them go away, but it can make them more manageable. Loneliness / lack of romantic fulfillment is just one of those things in life that can really suck some days. And that's okay. It's okay to not really feel the "yaaas badass single queen 4life because men are trash anyway" vibe everyday. FDS rightfully emphasizes the value of being unburdened and independent but our highly individualistic society comes with its own drawbacks. I feel humans are not used to unlimited freedom, nor do they necessarily want it. Being chained to a scrote is obviously worse, but we do crave the comfort of the familiar, the stability of the known, and that's just human.

I am sorry that you feel lonely. I do want to say that regarding having a husband/partner around for illness etc that statistically women outlive men so we are quite likely to end up caring for them first. I think also it's easy to look at other people's lives and imagine that because they are with a partner they are not lonely; this isn't true. I was lonelier in a failing marriage than I have ever been since. But how to deal with it? The obvious answers are stay busy, connect with friends, do something you enjoy but I think it's bigger than that. I wonder if caring for your mother is emotionally tiring for you and your sibling, and talking to someone about that might help, or getting in some outside help (paid for if you can afford it or asking other friends or family members, or reaching out to local support groups). You say you have been "independent" for a long time... perhaps you like having independence, maybe that has been a choice for you, and in the right relationship you can and should still feel that you have that.

My grandmother is 96 and still has her marbles. She was married for 70 years to my grandfather who died 5 yrs ago. Before he died he had very bad health for 20 years and she was expected to look after him alone by her husband and their sons. It took a physical & mental toll on her. When he finally died she sold their house and got a cute apartment. She has never been so free. She has her female friends and social clubs to keep her from being lonely and she’s pretty over men. She’s happy to die “alone”.

Remind yourself that when it comes to men they seldom care for you. It’s almost always the woman taking care of the man. Don’t be a “nurse and a purse” for some sad old man because you’re lonely. It’s man who treats you like a queen or no man. I highly recommend finding other women to socialize with. I don’t know your age, but my area has a walking club, a seniors activity club, card & cribbage meetups, curling club, Lion’s Club, Elks Club, horticultural societies/ gardening clubs, book clubs, and library events.

I get it. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. My own situation looks pretty bad and it worries me a lot. I was a lifetime people pleaser with a family history which attracted really toxic people. A couple years ago I said "no more" and ditched them. It was the right thing to do for my own personal development and safety but it has been hard. I don't have family, a partner, or children, and the small group of friends I have left are not in physical proximity. The pandemic made it next to impossible to meet people and my city is notoriously a difficult place to make new connections. I also have health issues that mean I can't go join a sport league or something like that. I have some more casual friends at work but they are all busy with their own families. Point is to say, I get the feeling of loneliness - especially as the holidays approach. What has held me together is to focus on my own goals and to be "in service" - to think about how levelling up and breaking the cycle can help others. First I have not continued the cycle I grew up in, which is a huge win. But also by living honestly I am contributing something, and as I begin to focus again on my creative work I hope I can contribute something bigger. I keep telling myself this honest expression of who I am will attract good, kind, likeminded people for friendship and possibly partnership. It's hard I know, but I try and just keep it in perspective. I know my life isn't defined by other people's role in it but it's hard to not feel worthless and invisible. However I would rather be utterly alone in the world than have one more low value person close to me, tearing down all I've worked for.

Thank you Queens for your comments. I aspire to have this perspective and I envy you all for having it. I really do! I’m happy alone but still crave a happy healthy commitment one day. Call me naive haha! I’ve seen & heard of amazing HV relationships so I know it’s possible. But I have found all your comments very helpful and you have definitely helped me realise a lot. Sometimes I really need a reminder. We all deserve so much happiness in life x

Widow here too, childfree. Opposite problem: late second husband Jack was so HV that men have really big shoes to fill. Not lonely here, mainly because I live close to family, and have friends and community that I see regularly. I'm passively on OLD but look once or twice a week or when I get a notification (on Facebook). I've also found limiting my swiping to about 20 faces is helpful so I don't feel like my time is wasted.

I, too, am resolved to how most men are and it makes selecting an acceptable date (not mate, let's say date only, thinking very short term) an easy process: 97% just don't qualify. It is what it is.

Ask yourself, if you have quality or quantity people in your life?

The kind that have your back in everything in return for same.

That's what I'm working towards.

Life's not revolving around men or finding a partner for me anymore.

It will never work the way the current society and patriarchal system works.