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I've been doing a lot of reflective journaling tonight and I wanted to share some thoughts. One of the things I want to work on this new year, is using kinder language towards myself. Here we call it, during our Pick Me times, but in this post I wanna call it my very dark and troubled times. I'm not gonna say "when I was dating." Anymore either, because honestly, we never dated. I never went on dates with anyone. From the ages of 18-20, I would talk to a guy online for a few weeks, you know "get to know him." meet in person and then immediately go back to his place and have sex. Because I thought I wanted that, I thought it was fun, I thought I was being "empowered" you all know the spiel. I never had a boyfriend during this time period, lots of supposed "FWBs" though. They certainly hogged all the benefits because all I ever got in return was physical, mental and emotional scars. Hmm so what should I call it instead....
My self esteem and mental health had never been so low. I experienced some of the worst nights of my life during these two years. Looking back on things, I was using these men as a way to self harm. I felt like garbage leading up to, during and after my experiences with them but I didn't realize it at the time. I never felt any form of physical pleasure, I thought sex was supposed to hurt. I would disassociate during most of it. I thought they were supposed to be mean to you, call you names, choke you, hurt you. I thought that was normal. I remember I started crying during and the guy berated me for "ruining" "our" good time. Still crying, I apologized to him and he flipped me around so he didn't have to see the tears.
At the start of 2020, literally January 1st, something very traumatic happened to me. Obviously I am not happy this happened, my life was forever changed by this event. But I'm choosing to see it in a different light now. I'm seeing it as the beginning of the end to my dark and troubled times. It took me a very long time to stop cringing at myself, to stop blaming myself for the experiences I had. Now I look back on those times and feel a mixture of sadness for what I went through and anger towards the men who hurt me. I didn't deserve any of it. There is no anger or embarrassment towards younger me any more.
2020- I swore off sex before commitment
2021- I found FDS.
2022- I found radical feminism.
2023- and things are only gonna go up from here.
Sorry this post is all over the place, I was just gonna keep to myself and write in my journal but I wanted to share in this community because I know y'all understand.
Edit- could not figure out where to post this and in my tired state thought "ask the admin" meant like, ask them where I should put it lmao. oops.
This one's gonna hang heavy in the air for me for quite some time.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Big virtual hugs, sis.
Fantastic post. 💕 So proud of you that you stopped self-harming with online “dating.” Online dating in recent years has become tantamount to free prostitution, and in many cases grooming and rape. You got yourself out and are healing - this is goals. All the best to you in 2023! 👑
Hugs. I absolutely can resonate with this post and I'm glad you can see the inherent damaging nature of hookup culture, because you're right, there is nothing empowering about it. And men who have sex with women without a romantic commitment in place never see them as true friends, before and after the sexual activity.
i realized i was doing that same thing from 19-21. these young guys don’t want commitment just any hole to be in. same with older men. i’m not tolerating that stuff anymore. i just felt like i had to because i was lonely and had low self esteem. that’s how men are. they prey on women for sex unfortunately.