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I have career ambitions and I don’t plan to stop working, but there are aspects of traditional gender roles that I do enjoy, and I am looking for a man who could support me if I ever was not working. I love a man who is financially responsible, and financially generous with me. It is immensely helpful for me, pragmatically, to know what his salary and financial situation is during the early stages of dating.
With that said, I don’t divulge how much I make, and honestly no one has ever asked. In my mind, his money is our money, and my money is my money. I need a man who is supportively on the same page about this.
I have three examples of being on dates with men who told me their salaries.
The first one on the first date, unbidden, bragged about how wealthy he was, how he travels so much for work that his company basically pays all his expenses, and that all of his earnings basically go to paying for whatever he wants. Personally, this was a turn off for me. Men who brag and brag about their wealth usually 1) don’t actually have it, or 2) have literally nothing else to offer. It was like his “totally awesome” financial situation was his whole personality. I’m looking for a generous man who values supporting and taking care of people—not some dude who’s proudest moment is buying all the fancy new toys off the shelf because he doesn’t have to pay for rent, gas, or meals.
The second one, I thought had potential. We connected and had a lot in common before the salary conversation came up, maybe two or three dates in. He was taking care of his parents and their medical bills, which I found admirable; he lived alone, no kids, owned a house, but alluded that he had some debt he was paying off and was trying to remedy his financial situation. He had a job that sounded like it paid well though, so I was confused and just boldly asked “How much do you make per year?” He smiled and told me—he was not defensive of the question which was a positive sign to me—he makes well over six figures. I asked where his money went, and he alluded to the medical bills but something wasn’t adding up. In later conversations, I found out the answer was cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. Such a shame.
The third one—we are still dating ☺️. We had the candid “what are you looking for in a partner?” conversation on the first date. FDS suggests keeping it vague and saying “I’ll know it when I see it”, and I don’t disagree with that. However I am pretty straightforward about looking for a man who is willing to support and take care of me, because the “ewww gold digger!!” and “ooo I’d get a house pet/housewife” types tend to show their true colors pretty quickly. And in a later conversation on the next date, to my happy surprise, he volunteered his salary information to me and was proud to do so. He told me he had just gotten a raise, and was due for another one at the end of the year, and after that he would be in a position to financially support me (and my fur babies) if I wanted to go back to school, if things continued between us. And it’s this kind of supportive generosity and financial planning that I’m looking for in a partner.
Necessary disclaimer: naturally I’m still vetting, always keep vetting, actions speak louder than words, men lie about things, etc.
But ladies, if knowing his salary is important to you, like it’s important to me, don’t be afraid to ask, or be upfront about wanting to be taken care of. Even with the men with whom it didn’t work out, when they react positively to the question, or volunteer the information because they get it, that always leaves a good impression with me—far more than the men who get defensive or accusatory about it 😂