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Queens,
I started talking to someone a while ago (similar culture, religion, etc) as this is what I want for my future partner. Oddly enough I met him on a dating app geared towards people in our community and after chatting with him, I found out he knows a good friend of mine and his uncle is one of my dad's friends of 16 years. He just lives in a different town hence why we probably didn't connect but the distance on this app I forgot to adjust so we matched.
It's been two months and for the first month he was respectful and kept asking me to meet in person but I was travelling for work then went back home then had another vacation then was busy with my mom so he waited a month to see me and was a gentleman about it. He just asked if we can chat on the phone during this period to get to know each other so we did and we had a great time.
Now my dilemma is that I know where I stand with him so I'm not confused. He is chasing me and he is not ashamed to admit or anything and he listens to everything I say and respects my boundaries.
However, I have this fear in me since it's been over 1.5 years of talking to anyone that things will go wrong or he will turn out to be a bad guy especially after my divorce 3 years ago and all the horrible LVm stories we hear and see on the daily.
My heart is being protected and I see him investing a lot of time and effort as he should. How can I differentiate my fears now or should I stay on the edge? I just want to have fun seeing him as he is clear about his intentions and is ok with taking things slow at my own pace. There is no sex before marriage for me so I'm not worried about that.
How can I do both? In my head all men are awful and I'm always going to be vetting him and will never get too attached but it's stressing me out 😫😫😫
I have a feeling it's going to be serious but I will always have one foot out the door. He definitely likes me a lot more than I like him and I am little reserved meaning I don't share a lot about myself as he still has to prove himself to me. Just need some advice on how to task it easy and enjoy the process.
My therapist who is an FDS queens says she doesn't see any yellow flags for now and to proceed but it's the internal fear I have in me that I need to calm down. He doesn't scare me and he makes me feel good. Any advice?
"However, I have this fear in me since it's been over 1.5 years of talking to anyone that things will go wrong or he will turn out to be a bad guy especially after my divorce 3 years ago and all the horrible LVm stories we hear and see on the daily."
In all likelihood, he will turn out to be a dud because FDS seeks the 1% of men. That's ok. Rest assured that men are lazy and can't maintain the mask forever.
"My heart is being protected and I see him investing a lot of time and effort as he should. How can I differentiate my fears now or should I stay on the edge?"
Stay on the edge but enjoy yourself. Trust that you're smart and can spot red flags. You're not emotionally invested and your guard is up. Perfect. Let him show you how he feels about you. Let him impress you until that first red flag pops up.
this is why i think patriarchy is winning. trauma makes us fearful in an unhealthy way.
i'm so sorry you feel that way, sis... i feel you! all the times i was with a man i regret bitterly. so i think i understand your situation. your fear is valid and i'm glad to know you're doing therapy to dea with it (and how did you even find a therapist who's a FDS queen?? i want one haha).
i guess that a good way to deal with this is to accept the possibility of disappointment (but do not accept being in a disappointing situation once it happens) and being ok with ditching a LVM if that's the case. about being stressed out, try and find ways to cope with the stress, do relaxing activities, value your alone time, keep decentering men and relationships and i think you'll be fine. if he's LV, it's 'thank you, next'.
always be ready to walk away.
this is my Hot Girl Summer mantra.
I'm not dating for a while, maybe a long while so I have time to heal and learn from the previous relationships I have had with my men.
Men make up about half of the population. I choose to believe in humanity and goodness. I know there are good men out there. I've personally met some and occasionally hear it from others. A couple weeks ago it made the news that a random man jumped in front of a mother and her baby in a stroller to shield her from getting shot by a man on the sidewalk firing a gun.