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I don’t know how to get a date

I'm in my mid thirties and I've never had a man take me out in a quality date. When I read about that it sounds like a made up fairytale. I don't have low self esteem, I just haven't met a man who would do that for me. My friend group is pretty young so maybe that's my problem. I don't want to do online dating because it's so stressful, and the men seem worse than usual. I guess im probably supposed to be on Hinge and not Tinder. I made a tinder account ages ago but I think it's hidden now. I don't want to meet a man that way. But I don't think I'll meet one some other way very easily. I'm self employed and work from home but live in a big city. How do I get a date? I'm clueless.

8 answers0 replies

Comments (8)

hot2trotherb

Sep 18, 2022

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I second the idea of getting involved in a community you're interested in, or perhaps a gym class or sport team (ultimate Frisbee, soccer) if that's your thing. Since you work at home, you just need something to get you out and about on a regular basis and possibly put you into contact with decent single men.

I realize your situation is somewhat unique, but I was just thinking how it shouldn't even be our job to "get" a date--other than making sure we look nice and healthy. This should be something men only think about??? They're the ones who should be seeking us out??

I feel like somehow, millions of men have managed to dump 100% of heterosexual relationship establishment/production on us in the past couple decades. It's not enough for us to just be a normal woman at school, work, or anywhere else and get politely asked out like our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers... we have to like...be super flirty and sexually forward and practically fling ourselves at men for them to consider us for "Netflix and chill." Once you fill out your blowjob stamp card, then you get the GF or wife card, I guess.

I don't know if I'm being clear since this seems to be a complex social dynamic--I'm not against making yourself attractive/being feminine, I simply feel like men have gotten so goddamn lazy we have so many good looking, accomplished women wondering what the hell is wrong with them and coming up with a dozen different schemes to "get" dates/relationships/marriage, when it shouldn't be something that requires SO MUCH effort from us in the first place. Is any one else getting what I'm saying? Or can you say it more eloquently?

This is like the underbelly of "if he wanted to, he would"--->"why so many men don't ever bother to try and it's not you, it's definitely them."

hush

Sep 18, 2022

Replying to

I hear you 💯! Relatedly, ED from porn and lazy lack of care for their bodies has resulted in men having pursuit issues en masse - a lot of them are truly into getting approval from other men and really do not like, respect or love women at all, nor could they perform sexually for a woman at this point.

dahliajane

Sep 19, 2022

Replying to

It's unfortunate because I think the predominance of pickmes in the culture really works against our favor here. There are so many women with extremely low standards that men have gotten used to being lazy. Once you get in a rut with any kind of lazy behavior it is difficult to establish discipline again because you have gotten used to doing what is easy. Men are used to getting sex and rewards with astronomically little effort. The current culture is not good for us, the pickmes, and it's not even good for men! Men feel more proud of themselves and happier and healthier within constructs like marriage or when they are working hard to make a good woman happy. Most men do not have the discipline to take the harder (but ultimately more fulfilling) road when so many of their friends are taking the easy road. Can you imagine how we would change the culture if every woman today became an FDSer? Sorry, guys you actually have to take women on dates and get in a healthy monogamous relationship if you want sex. Sorry, you are responsible for being a provider, if you try to pull 50/50 we are leaving your sorry ass. Sorry, we are leveling up and happy with our own company, if you truly miss us then you have to show it with your behavior and be a gentleman!

hot2trotherb

Sep 20, 2022

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Replying to

I was thinking about your comment yesterday and I see as a kind of vicious, low value cycle:

1) men decided they didn't want to pursue women/make an effort anymore and get most of their sexual gratification from porn/swiping endlessly through Tinder and fantasizing

2) women freak out about a lack of male attention/dates because

a) it's normal to want affection/relationships with those you are sexually attracted to and b) most of us are still heavily indoctrinated into the idea that it's our number one life mission to get married and have babies ((with a man obvs, no lesbians or witch covens...disappointing))

3) women descend into pick-me hell for crumbs of male attention/the microscopic possibility of a happy relationship/marriage/children

(this is a tangent, but I think women have a higher sex drive than men considering what we put up with for d**k 😭)

4) men continue to be lazy because they're being both sexually gratified via pornography and women with low self esteem/whoever they've managed to bamboozle for a few days via OLD

5) More women cave into being a pick-me so they can be "normal" and have the attentions of some scrote like their friends, OR they become burned out and more FDS aligned and just say fuck it, and de-center men from their lives, if not go completely voluntarily celibate.

6) Men are happy enough with their pick-mes and don't improve, or are sad about being single but are too entrenched in their laziness, bad habits, misogyny and entitlement to make a good-faith effort to be a good partner to women.

aaand back to 1).

scissors_with_running

Sep 18, 2022

I refuse to use dating apps as I have no interest in the type of men that would use them. I find the best way to meet people/make friends/find potential suitors is to become a regular at a place that appeals to my interests. I attend all the local art events and go to nearly every art opening at a handful of favorite galleries and venues. I end up encountering a lot of the same people again and again and it becomes easy to have conversations and get to know each other over time.

Millennialpink2k

Sep 18, 2022

Like you, I work from home and am self-employed. I'm never going back on OLD so it's all about hyperorganic marketing. I'm in the city as well

- If you live in an apartment, join your strata to get know folks better. They may have friends

- Join clubs and meetups (wine club, books, walking, pizza making etc etc)

- Go play drop in ___ at the local community center

- Host events and ask people to bring a friend of theirs

- Join professional networking groups

- Dine alone in restaurants

- Get coffee and window shop

- Make conversation with strangers while out

- Let folks know you're looking to meet people. This is a big factor in getting people to think of you ("Oh, OP would be a perfect plus one to a dinner party at my friend's place!")

LAwoman

Sep 17, 2022

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I practice looking men in the eye when I'm out in public, like at the grocery store or whatever. Very briefly-but enough to show I'm open to being approached (i.e. dropping the hanky)

Also maybe find people your own age/an older friend group to hang around. That's not to say you need to ditch your current friends right now, but you get my gist. I used to use meetup to make connections with other people.

Unknown member

Sep 17, 2022

What kind of person do you think is ideal for you?

Start a list of what kinds of traits, qualities, hobbies that person would have.

Is he active? Sports?

Is he a tv/ movie buff?

Is he a big texter?

Would you spend all your time with him or would you prefer to spend most of your day independently apart?

What kind of job would he have?

Is he a workaholic?

Does he work a 9-5?

Would you be okay with someone who goes on long work trips and comes back every 3 months?

Is he family oriented?

Does he want kids?

Ect..

Once you get those down, try to figure out where this type of person would hang out.

I don’t know how to get a date

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