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My boyfriend and I have been together about a year. I have poster about him before. He's overwhelming me. I keep feeling mad at him.
We still haven't had full on real sex because I want to wait until marriage. He doesn't. I get horrible anxiety about sex due to a combination of purity culture, reading what the manospnere says about women who aren't virgins, and my own fear of pregnancy. Please keep in mind, we have done everything except intercourse. So I could argue that I am not a virgin anymore because, we have done sexual activities.
He keeps bringing up the issue and asking me to get a hotel room or something and it freaks me out. Then I feel pressured and it shuts me down.
I found heart comment from his ex on his Instagram post, and he commented a heart back. I immediately suspected cheating. Who knows but it makes me angry. He told me they aren't friends anymore in the past but I am now learning that they are more tied than I thought, with his family (who I haven't met IRL yet) being friends with her on social media and still liking/ commenting on her things.
I also am planning on going on a nice, expensive, good quality vacation next year with my aunt. My aunt is a young boomer/ old Gen X and is an immigrant from a conservative culture so he has absolutely nothing to worry about. But he gets extremely jealous whenever I daydream about my trip. I told him he can come and we can share a room away from my aunt but a) I don't know if he can afford it and b) he got very angry and said I am not prioritizing "us". He snaps and gets very angry and snappy for like 15-30 minutes then calms down c) I also told him we can do our own trips/ long weekends together once I get over sex.
He also makes too many jokes that make me uncomfortable. I don't know if they are "jokes" or jokes. Like he "jokes" about choking me constantly during sex. I am ok with choking but ugh I really don't want to be choked. And then he started "joking" about pepper spraying me. Just typing this out makes me so ashamed. He also "jokes" about baby trapping me and "joked" that if we have a baby then I have to marry him and I can never leave.
Then he gets jealous that I go to the gym. I love to work out. He gets worried about me talking to guys. He gets jealous when I wear a cute dress. He gets jealous when I talk about male coworkers. He gets jealous very very easily about other men.
Every day he declares how deeply he loves me throughout the day. I always wanted a husband and a family and he promises that he will provide it for me. Kids, a house in a nice area, the ability to SAHM if I choose to, nice clothes and purses and shoes, nice vacations. He promises me a dream life.
But I also noticed that I have been going 50/50 for more dates lately and he also hasn't done anything to make the thought of sex and risking being baby trapped more exciting. Like he doesn't discuss a nice trip somewhere or get a nice room locally and I know if he does get a room, he expects sex instead of saying "we will just make out and do what we have always done and see where it goes".
I gained a bunch of weight during COVID. I feel awful about how I look and I feel very insecure. Losing weight is not easy. I kind of was a femcel most of my life, because despite being thin and young and quite beautiful, no guys ever asked me out, talked to me, etc and I thought that I needed to become even thinner and look like an IG model. Ironically I get hit on more now than before, even though I am not where I want to be physically. I guess I feel like no one else will want me.
I also don't know what to do if he begs me to stay with him (which he has in the past) or worse, tries to get revenge or something (he said in the event that we were to break up, he would never do that, but who knows, he clearly is crazy).
Girl how many times have we read this story from you?? you know what to do, go do it! You don't need our opinions. I think Saynad wrote this post for you. Go read it, remind yourself you are perfectly capable, and delete this man from your life. I'm serious. You owe him no explanation. Delete his number, delete his pictures, block him from your contacts, and get a trusted friend to be your "sponsor" so you don't slip and go back to your addiction to this man. Call her when you want to call him. If you can't muster up the strength to delete him from your phone and your life, get your sponsor to block and delete. It doesn't matter who does it, this man just needs to be blocked and deleted from your life. Pair the difficult task with a reward and tell yourself that as soon as you successfully block and delete you will take a weekend trip away with a girlfriend. It helps to pair difficult tasks with rewards and you will also get your mind off him.
https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/general-dating-discussion/you-are-not-dumb-part-1
I couldn't even read all of this...but from what I did read, this man feels like a psychopath. Pepper spray in the bedroom? That's beyond normal.
So you already know you need to break up with him. What I've done, and what I tell other women, is that you wait until the day you wake up and know it's time. One morning you wake up and you know - today is the day I'm breaking up with this man.
This guy actually feels dangerous to me. Having sex with him could have serious, life altering consequences. An unplanned pregnancy would tie you to this man for life. I think your fear of having sex and loosing your virginity could actually be your intuition telling you that the man you're with is a bad guy. Bide your time and wait until you're ready to - but my hope for you is that you're ready sooner rather than later.
Red flags are hatching red flags.
Listen to yourself: "I am ok with choking but ugh I really don't want to be choked."
You don't want the same things he does.
Sex won't solve his attitude issues, so don't even bother
Drop this guy like a hot potato. He's cruel, jealous, degrading and emotionally abusive.
RUN like your hair is on fire.
It's block o'clock, babe.
Get it done and let us know.
Holy shit. He’s got every red flag on the list! Break up, block, delete, and avoid him like the plague so he gets the message. You sound young, so maybe your intuition isn’t developed yet—but your body will never lie. There’s a reason you don’t want to have sex with him. Trust that feeling. He sounds disgusting. Stop fkn around and break up with him, today!
He sounds awful in every conceivable way! You already know he isn’t the one. Don’t give him any more of your time or yourself. Definitely don’t have sex with him. You risk being baby trapped (he told you he would do it) and he sounds like he want to hurt you as well. That sounds like a terrible way to experience sex for the first time and guaranteed to create a lot of trauma. Breaking up is simple. Don’t give him any explanation, he already knows and will just try to use your explanation against you. Just send him a text saying “I don’t want to date you anymore” or something to that equivalent, then block his number before he gets a chance to respond. Block him on social media and tell your friends and family you want no contact from him. It might feel anticlimactic, so make plans to go out with your friends that night and do something you love. I promise it will feel great once it sinks in that you’re free from him. Then you’ll also be free to be with the right kind of man who treats you well, doesn’t pressure you, doesn’t harass you, doesn’t future fake, doesn’t joke about hurting you, and doesn’t weigh you down. You deserve all the love and good things. Please don’t settle for a loser who only wants to hurt you and take whatever he can from you.
Girl, you have been uncomfortable w this man for a long time and have been dumping about him here for AT LEAST a month YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO Stop coming here and seeking attention over a solvable problem THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF FIXING. If you are struggling to leave, contact your local women's shelter-this online forum cannot help you
It all sounds like a troll coming up with a story of abuse but after I checked out your past posts... Sis, hear me out. If you believe that he can revenge in case of break up, you got your answer. Break up with him, yesterday.
Omg hes an absolute psycho loser. Get away from him. Today he's nagging you about sex and inflicting his violent desires on you, tomorrow he might refuse to take 'no' for an answer. He doesnt respect you, he doesnt love you, and he's dangerous.
You're going to be so relieved when you finally kick him out of your life. You dont deserve the stress and misery he's causing you. And youre so close to being FREE. Dont waste one more day worrying about him. PRIORITIZE YOURSELF. You and your aunt are going to have a freakin blast, and his bullshit will be but a cringy memory. I'm so excited for you!
You sound a bit addicted to the drama at this point, frankly.
It's technically very simple to break up with someone. Send him a text, tell him you aren't going to see him anymore, then block him everywhere. If he hassles you, call the police on him and start a paper trail. Never speak to him again. Keeping the conversation going is not the way to get an unhinged creep out of your life. Eventually he will move on to a new victim when he realizes that he cannot get to you anymore.
This back and forth drama is not helping you, and he is enjoying the attention. He has given you more than enough reasons, so just pull the plug once and for all and get yourself out of this ridiculous situation. You are wasting your life by continuing to waste time on this loser.
Text him that you will no longer be in a relationship with him. Block the clown.
THIS MAN WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. I SEE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN YOUR FUTURE. He wants to choke you. He is jealous and controlling. He pressures you for sex. It will only get worse. You can bite the bullet now and move on with your freedom and independence. Or you can stay with him and he will diminish you until there’s nothing left of you. He doesn’t love you. LOVE ISNT JEALOUS. If he loves you he’d want you to enjoy time with your family. Do you want to be a free woman or do you want to be his slave? Because that’s where you’re headed.
Making a separate comment to elaborate on breaking up over text: It is absolutely, 100% okay to end things via text. From personal experience: I tried to end my last relationship several times before it stuck, all in-person conversations. And he would trap me in the convo with emotional baiting, guilt trips, DARVO - exhausting me for hours until I acquiesced into giving us another chance. At the end, I had to send a breakup text, block him on every platform, and not be home for a day or so, bc men like this don’t take it well when you “take something away from them” (i.e. your presence). Send that text, block his abusive ass, and take yourself somewhere to distract from worrying about him and his emotions. He’ll keep you trapped in this cycle of emotional turmoil until you’re a husk of the person you once were. Also tacking onto what so many others have commented: HE IS DANGEROUS. Right now he’s emotionally abusing you, no way around that. But I believe he will eventually turn physical and possibly kill you. He’s already admitted he wants to hurt you. Get out now while you still can. Lastly, we’re all rooting for you. The comments that seem harsh are coming from worried women who see exactly what this man is capable of. We are afraid for you. Please love & respect yourself: run fast and far away from this man.
Be careful. Clarity will come after some distance. He seems to be redpilling you. Make sure you have support, if possible a male friend or relative with you when you break up with him.
Since he is talking to his ex now is your chance seriously. Do it while he is monkey branching, he is distracted.
You need to leave him immediately and call the cops right away and tell them everything you said and that he is pressuring you into sex and keeps saying he wants to choke you, pepper spray you, etc. don’t tell them those are jokes. Just say that’s what he keeps telling me he is going to do. Say you are fearful for your life, etc and take someone with you as a witness. Block him and delete him on everything. This man will kill you one day … this is not a joke. Stop posting about him and get your shit together. He doesn’t love you, he is crazy.
You deserve so much more ♥️ You can break up over text if it's difficult. It's totally okay to do that. If you have someone you trust you can do it with them being with you.
From my own experience, those of other women in my life and reading "Why does he do that?", I know that leaving a toxic / abusive man is hard and the last thing one needs is to be shamed for not leaving him already. Women usually have the very best intentions and it's not entirely their own fault if a man takes advantage of that. Yes, ideally, one would never have let this happen in the first place but alas, we're social and emotional beings. When I was in your place, OP, I sought out anything that validated my anger towards my ex and reaffirmed that I was not the crazy one. I also always recommend the aforementioned "Why does he do that". Build up that resentment and you will find the strength to leave.
Just reading this makes me want to barf for you. Please save yourself and go. You know what to do
Omg break up with him. Don't end up spending years with him. Been there and done that and wouldn't wish it on my worst female enemy...
Holy moly, this is more red flags than a red army parade.
Girl... dump him. He's trash and you deserve so much better.