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This is an exchange I had today with a scrote who blatantly disregarded my boundary.
I run a meet up group for Gen X'ers. It is brand new as of 4 weeks ago. I had my 3rd event yesterday, a Friendsgiving. It was 2 women and 3 men. My group is not a dating/sex/hookup group. My intention for the group is to get people together in my age group that might not have anyone to hang out with, are estranged from family, are lonely etc, to enjoy activities in a safe space. In particular, a safe space for women. (I am not allowing everyone in. Right now its about 90% women, 10% men.) I have this clearly stated on the group page. I also have everyone member answer 3 questions, one of which asks, "do you understand that this is not a singles/dating group? Please do not make other members uncomfortable with unwanted advances" ,
But scrotes being scrotes, I know that some of the men will still not gaf about my group boundaries for a safe space, and will push said boundaries. Despite the vetting I'm doing (for men mostly), it already happened yesterday with one of the men at the Friendsgiving. He was already being weird when he got pissed off because he didn't see me right at our meeting time of 3:30pm. I walked up to them at 3:32pm and he stormed off angry. I asked the other members why he was leaving, and they said he was pissed off that I was late. A whole 2 minutes. Uuumm K. So I chased him down the street to ask him why he was leaving and why he was upset?? And I convinced him to come back inside the restaurant (now I wish I hadn't) because it's Thanksgiving and I didn't want anyone being alone and upset on Thanksgiving. Even though I did nothing wrong for him to be angry to begin with.
So we start the dinner, and he's calmed down, even making some jokes. A half hour into the dinner he asks me if I'm single. I ignore the question and change the subject. Because I have already been clear my group isn't a dating my group, so my status doesn't matter. 20 minutes later he asks me again, and now the whole group is staring at me, and I say, "You shouldn't ask women if they're single. A better question to ask is are you available? Just because a person might be single, does not automatically mean they are available. Yes, I am single, but I am not available. I am healing from some past trauma and so I am not emotionally available to date at this time." He says he's never heard of that before. GEE NO SHIT he hadn't. It already pissed me off that he was asking me if I was single, when i had clearly stated my group is not a dating group.
But to my shock, I wake up today to find this message in my DMs. After explaining to him and the group how I am not in a headspace to date, he has the gawl to ask me out on a date for tonight or tomorrow! Completely disregarding my personal and group boundaries. I am proud that I upheld my boundary. He immediately blocked me, and left the group. ROFL. As far as I'm concerned, that's the trash taking itself out. Especially after his ridiculous temper tantrum and storming off because I was 2 minutes late.
First of all, not even allowing two minutes for someone to show up and storming off in a huff? Drama king! Entitled, impatient. Mistake there was chasing him down - you absolutely should have just let him walk off and be pissed off. He was looking for attention, specifically your female attention. He wanted to be coddled and pampered and sorry, you got roped in. I think you handled things fine. Very glad you stood your ground and upheld your boundary. Now you know: if someone is acting weird from the get-go, just let them go their own weird, wonky way and no loss.
The only other thing I'd add is don't tell a male stranger that you're healing from trauma. That's blood in the water for shark scrotes! Just say you're single but not dating. Repeat ad nauseam.
i understand that you probably cracked under the pressure of the group staring at you, including the pressure of being the organizer, but please remember that you didn't owe him an explanation as to your status. remember too that your reaction sets the tone for the other women in the group if they are ever harassed -- save the lengthy explanation for them. scrotes only deserve a firm "no".
"Are you single" is codeword for "are you available to sexually service me and do maid duties for free".
Also:
Never explain anything to a man. He does not have the right to know you have trauma.
No is a full sentence.
No paragraphs for men. They ignore them anyway.
This is the downside of when everyone says “just go to meet-ups”. This is literally a hunting ground of NVMs, because, sadly as the stereotype states, HVMs usually don’t need these sites or dating apps. Of course, this is one of my double standards, as there will be a few great women using them based on the fact that LVW won’t settle for the first guy they meet at school/work and may deliberately not date in their friendship groups.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I have nothing useful to add, but wanted to say thank you for hosting a meetup group. I wish there was a similar group in my city, so many women are struggling socially at the moment.
Separately, I've noticed that if women throw a scrap of kindness or consideration to men, they interpret it as us flirting. Goes to show they do not do things for others with no expectation of nothing in return.
Oh FFS, it's a last-minute drink offer as well. Classy. He could have at least made you a proper date offer if he was going to be an audacious, boundary-pushing cunt. But then, what can be expected from an audacious, boundary-pushing cunt who is ALSO an unstable, tantrum-throwing weirdo?
Off to landfill he goes! 👋
p.s. this, incidentally, is why I stopped using meetup entirely. Far too many bottom-tier guys using it as an unofficial hunting ground and being disingenous about their intentions all the while. Ick.
You handled this well, and I'm sorry he did this to you. I've actually stopped explaining my choices unless I want to. I was so uncomfortable with leaving something without a justification. The fact he tried to push your boundary says everything you need to know about him. Entitled loser.
What a psycho. I absolutely hate how moids can't help but turn every single fucking space on Earth into a brothel or a red light district to find a girlfriend of some sort through them. It's why I sometimes can't relax exploring certain hobbies and interests of mine because every single time I try to join a group to find likeminded people, I have to fight off a man or two off of me when they inevitably try to paw on me for a date. Or to fuck.
You've done well asserting your boundaries, but I'll say this: Let men walk away from you. Who cares if he was gonna feel foreveralone on Thanksgiving because he decided to walk out of the group like a fucking toddler throwing a tantrum. He wanted to abuse you and he got it.