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FDS I need your help. My husband wants to try to fix our dead bedroom _again_ and honestly I'm just tired, angry, and don't want to. The tenderness he's showing is triggering my fight or flight response (or maybe my bullshit meter?), but I'm also feeling trapped by hope and empathy from his current thoughtfulness. I need guidance on how to proceed forward.
I've been in a dead bedroom for the last 7 years starting when I got pregnant with my first child. After 5 years of asking, pleading, yelling, and begging my husband to work on our relationship with me, I was finally going to walk. He asked me for a second chance (this was right before I found FDS), we went to individual and couples therapy, and we finally started to work on our relationship together. He was engaged, active, and consistent as he tried to regain my trust. He worked on his inability to identify his feelings and tendency to disassociate, and I worked on my resentment and codependency.
And it was a lot of therapy. We did it for over two years and at the beginning it was 3 hours a week combined individual and couples. We did CBT and worked with a sex therapist, who suggested scheduled sex and day off sex dates to rebuild a sexual relationship and overcome an aversion due to years of constant rejection by my spouse. They went okay. I have responsive desire and a hair trigger accelerator, so I can get in the mood and I always put my orgasm first, but it felt hollow. What I wanted and needed was a deeply intimate relationship not just sex, and more than anything I needed to feel supported and validated by my spouse after years of empty promises and being treated as an option. And I said so in therapy.
But here's the thing - In healing from my codependency I had to learn how to let go of control, and in doing so I stopped being the driver of every goddamn conversation about sex in our relationship. Unlike in the past, I didn't say anything outside of our couples therapy, didn't read any extra relationship books, or search for articles/podcasts to share to "fix" our flagging relationship. I did my therapy homework, fully committed to any solution we discussed, showed up completely when engaged, but no longer initiated discussions. And I was explicit about this in therapy as well - I was letting my husband rise to the occasion and take control. But despite that explicitness, without a paid 3rd party and me being the driver, when our therapy sessions ended, nothing was said about our sex life ever again. Zero. Nada.
So here we are a year since having sex where my husband hasn't brought it up once, and he finally speaks at the only time he ever does - when we are in crisis and Pompeii is about to erupt. Incredibly he brings it up just a day before I was planning to (because we got in a fight. See: Pompeii above), and we are actually of the same mindset that things are so bad, everything so poisoned from the lack of emotional intimacy, that maybe we should just be friends. But where it differs is that I was ready to make that break whereas he wants us to try again.
At this point of the story, the choice is obvious, but I also love my husband, don't want to hurt him, love the life of physical and financial comfort and stability we have built, and we have kids. This is also untenable! I cannot live this way! But in the face of him listening, taking responsibility and ownership, I immediately crumbled. We agreed to commit to a set time period of 3 months of scheduled, constant communication and showing up fully engaged, creating a loving environment where whatever possibility of intimacy can flourish with loving touch, words of affirmation, and playfulness.
It's only been a week of this new loving environment, and my feelings are so complicated and more than anything, I feel so angry and conflicted. The attention, the affection, my husband looking at me with desire for the first time in years in a situation that isn't alcohol driven or contrived feels so good it makes me sick. Like feeding a person starved half to death and desperate.
I was ready to make a clean split, and here I've been pulled back in by the promise of change. I believe my husband in his authenticity and desire to repair, but what has really changed? Even if we rebuild warmth and sexual energy, I feel an aversion to having sex with him. To get through that requires communication and consistency that my husband has shown in action that he cannot do due to severe conflict avoidance despite all the therapy and an awareness of the issue.
The sunk cost part of my brain wants to give this a fair chance and see what happens, but when I probe that feeling, I can't determine the line of success or failure. The logical part of me says that that's because we've already gone past the line! But I feel trapped in this current state of lovey dovey words and romance while also disoriented and uncomfortable. I don't know how to end a relationship when it's not in total mentdown or without love, but just not working anymore. I have been here for so long that I don't know how to say I need to heal beyond you.
Thanks for sharing your story. If I may offer a gentle reminder: you don't need to wait for everything to be utterly and completely ruined and your energy thoroughly depleted in order to end things. Sometimes we believe until we have tried absolutely everything, we have no right to let go. We have to give every ounce of what we have to try and save a relationship, otherwise we have failed and disappointed everyone. This is untrue. It's valid to be unwilling to see things through to their bitter end. It's valid to want to stop sacrificing more time and energy on the basis of a mere promise or "potential". You don't have to keep trying to make it work, and you don't owe anyone a second chance. If you do give it, it should be based on intrinsic motivation and a strong belief in long-term success and not "shoulds" and "have tos". It sounds you're not fully behind this whole trying again idea and you have a right to your doubts. The fact that your husband was able to step up his game almost instantly but you already suspect that it won't be sustainable is a cause for concern. You don't want to be disappointed again and that's extremely understandable. You are allowed to protect yourself from that. You don't have to give him full access to your emotions if he hasn't shown that he will be respectful towards them in the long term. I hope you find the clarity you need. The answers are probably already inside you. Maybe you can make a list of boundaries for yourself, detailing exactly what further efforts you are willing to make, how you will show up, and what you will do when these boundaries are not upheld. You already did so while in therapy, and you already saw the results. He was not able to build any momentum for himself, instead he's doing crisis response. There's indeed little reason to believe that this time he will make a lasting change.
I really, really, really hate to be that person, but usually when a man is able to reject his wife like that a lot, and for an extended amount of time, it comes down to one or both of these things:
He's having a long term affair where the partner is taking care of things in the bedroom, so much so that he has no need for you in that way anymore.
He is a homosexual who married you to hide himself.
Take these days one at a time and start planning your exit. Talk to a new therapist, one that specializes in divorce. Tell the therapist that you are ready to end things but you are emotionally a mess about this. You'll be taught new coping skills as you come to the realization that this marriage simply won't work out after all. Then think about making appointments with a lawyer nearby to discuss options, what you can keep, what are your rights, etc.
Respecting other people's sexual boundaries is extremely important, but you are a woman and a sexual being who desires to be desired, and that is also very important and a healthy thing to want! You deserve that!
Be kind to yourself and think of your future. It sounds like it’s too late to turn back and you have a real chance of living a happy life on your own terms without being sucked dry by him. His current actions show the depth of his manipulation - he was always capable and aware of what you needed but withheld from you until he was at risk of losing the relationship. Once he has you mollified you can expect things to go back to the same old holding pattern. Is that what you want?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's heart breaking to read so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I believe all the resentment, disappointment, the anxiety, the aversion to having sex with him, all of that are truly your instincts telling you that your husband is no good for you. You must be feeling so drained and exhausted, and what makes me worried is the fact that with his recent change of attitude he's only going to string you along again. This could make you waste years! I worry that you're going to waste valuable time of your precious life if you don't leave him. The possibilities of living happily, maybe single or maybe with another man that truly values you, would be taken away from you by him.
You don't need to reach a breaking point in order to leave him. You don't need to try everything on the list (although it seems you already have) before deciding this is not working for you. You yourself said that you were okay with the idea of leaving him so maybe your doubts aren't really yours. It's him trying to drag you down again, please don't let him! Deep down you probably know you'll be utterly miserable if this relationship continues. Ultimately the decision is yours if you really want to give it another go, but listen to your gut please. If your gut is telling you there's no way this artificial honey moon phase is gonna last long term, then it won't. I wish the best luck!
Probably going to repeat what others have said, but I’ve been through multiple messy separations with kids and may have some advice that applies.
Your husband checked out of your marriage as soon as you had your first kid. It’s not your fault, a LOT of men can’t handle pregnancy, childbirth, and the aftermath and still see you as a sex object. Yes, this implies he saw you as a sex object and not a person while you were dating, engaged, and newly married.
He has either become or porn addict or a cheater in the years since he mentally & emotionally checked out of your marriage. I highly recommend searching for evidence before saying the word divorce. Look for evidence of twisted porn use and cheating and document it with dates. It can be used against him in family court. Also gather any evidence of financial or mental incompetence.
It’s time to kill your love for him. Finding evidence of scrotery may help. A “friend” and a “loved one” doesn’t treat you the way he has treated you. He has watched you repeatedly suffer and done almost nothing. At worst he hates you, at best he has no respect for you.
Understand that as soon as you say divorce and mean it, the man you knew will vanish and a stranger will replace him. He may turn sweet and beg you to stay and lovebomb you with words and gifts, or, he may turn nasty and cuss you out, try to destroy your belongings, try to tell your friends, family, and coworkers lies that turn them against you, and go for your throat with a lawyer. This man has no respect for you and may alternate between both like Jekyll & Hyde.
Change your passwords for everything. I mean everything. Separate your finances. Hide savings if you need to. Know whose names are on the vehicles and the house or rental lease.
Get a lawyer, draft a separation agreement and a parenting agreement, and file for primary custody and child support in family court —right before you say divorce. It matters that you file first and not him. I assure you in the long-term future he will probably use your child/children to hurt you, to get your attention, and keep you in his life, but know he can’t legally keep you in his life —just the children.
Do not agree to a 50/50 split of parenting time —he can get child support from you if you do this. Try to be the primary caregiver who has the children for the majority. If he has been unemployed, a stay at home dad, or your financial dependent —you will have to pay him spousal support.
Luck and strength.
"years of empty promises and being treated as an option."
The only man I ever loved was a porn addict, and while i love him and just want him to be safe and happy, I would never EVER be faithful/commit to him ever again. As long as the internet is up and running, he'll give me terrible, dry, annoyingly and un-eroticly performative porn sex. After having sex with a man who could actually fuck, who cared about my pleasure and enjoyed seeing me enjoy myself, I'm never going back. Id rather masturbate forever and die alone. At least then I'm happy, and I orgasm.(would a man ever put up with that? Nope!) His suddenly acting like he's attracted to you is giving me the ick as well. It doesn't seem genuine. It seems smarmy. Like a last ditch effort to keep you raising the kid, cleaning up after him and paying his bills. He knows you bring value to his life. But he just couldn't be bothered to give you even a clit flick in seven years, because "eww gross she had my baby, how dare she." I don't mean to sound harsh or come across rude to you. I've experienced this myself. It sounds like he completely lost attraction after the baby. I personally completely lost attraction to my ex after like 1yr of his porn addiction. Even though i love him, and even if he were to completely change everything about how he has sex, I just can't. I can not ever be sexually attracted to him again. Other women can go ahead and see him like a normal man, but i know who he is and how he is. I will unfortunately always see him as a eunuch whose eyes are glued to his phone and other women in public, hand permanently welded to his lame peepee.
(Fun fact: The best sex i had was with an ex porn-addict. This man in the very least understood that it messed with his sex drive, made him a crappy lay, and made him generally pissy and upset.)
So... He didn't step up til you were about to walk. He didn't listen or take you seriously when you were forthright and proactive... That's a really bad sign. If a man isn't responsive to you for years, you KNOW he's not responsive to you- he just doesn't want a divorce. Nothing about the therapy work now is comforting or healing bc he let it DIE. Like you were telling him you needed water etc and he sat back and let it DIE between you. And he keeps getting instructions handed to him and he can't keep it up?? That is a betrayal and it sounds like physically there's no coming back from it. Too little too late- you're already gone. Pull your notes from therapy on what you agreed to to try again and take them to a lawyer to draft a divorce (you want them as backup if he tries to resist the divorce, and you want to draft it to your benefit to let him negotiate down later). It's hard, of course you want him to be who he says he's gonna be, but he's proven he isn't one too many times. And once you have the defense/evidence for the divorce and the divorce drafted, to you can sit on it for a bit and decide. Half the fear comes from not being ready to act, so get ready and set yourself up for success and then decide when to act
Your husband has been hurting you for years and didn't give it a second thought. Get that divorce asap.
I mean this with love. Marriage should not be a struggle like this. When you are with a person that's a good fit it feels easy. The fact that it's been a long hard battle is a sign to leave. Why suffer more than you have to?
You have all the confirmation and advice you need, here. I think you feel deep within what you need to do. Bon courage. Who you are without him is worth walking through the fire of change to meet.
Get a lover, that’s if you stay, and stop trying to make this man who doesn’t want you change. I was in the same situation—4 years, no sex, affection, nothing but harsh words from him. He played “good boy, bad wife” at the counselor’s, but all counseling was was his attempt to shut me up and appease me whilst remaining the same. If you stay for the kids and money, get a lover, keep it a secret, and be happy. You can’t squeeze blood from a stone. If you leave, you’ll be quite surprised at the number of men who want to f*ck you but don’t care about you as a human being. It’s the paradox of men. They’ll marry you, swear they love you, withhold sex until you hate their guts, and then act surprised when you leave. It’s also happened to my sister, and she’s one of the most beautiful women on the planet. Sex and relationships are about control for men. If you hated sex with him, he’d be all over you wanting it. You should read, “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited” by Dr. Sam Vaknin especially about cerebral narcissists, because that’s what your husband probably is just like mine and my sister’s husbands. They’ll incapable of getting better, so either make it work by getting a secret lover, or leave.
ALSO if you leave, be fully prepared for him to want to engage in a physical relationship with you. I could have written the post above (minus kids) and when my ex and I were sorting things out post breakup, we made out passionately a couple times. He kissed me in a way he hadn't in years. I know we would have slept together had I permitted it. Be prepared and DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD.
Why is it so often that sex stops during or after pregnancy? I’m noticing a pattern. 💔
You’re giving this far too much attention and effort. Just get that bread and leave.
The queens above said almost everything I want to say. You know in your gut very well that you have to walk away. This man hurt you for years and didn’t care. He will never change. Divorce him asap and get out. It won’t be easy but life will be much more peaceful and happier when you are alone. Trust me ☺️
He is having an affair I think sis . It’s a very typical scenario. We get one life you need a partner who adores you and fulfills your emotional and sexual need not some performative sex coz he is scared you will divorce him. I mean it’s quite strange he doesn’t want sex . he is getting it from somewhere else
I would love to talk more. I just got out of a 5-year relationship where my partner, I don't think, initiated at all in at least the last 4 years. We had sex occasionally but it always felt like he was just appeasing me at best, and in between there was a lot of rejection. To help put things in perspective and start to see him for his true colors, these two articles helped me a lot:
Feel free to reach out and commiserate.
Is he finally being nice to you because he thinks you might leave? What does "being treated like an option" mean?