.png)
Hi everyone, I'm currently in a relationship with someone and we have been dating for 3 months now officially. We meet twice a week (which I'm happy with) and text back and forth around once a day (I generally let him text me first), but I want to make it clear that I expect phone calls occasionally too and that it would make me happy, but I don't want to ask for calls because it wouldn't mean as much if he was doing it as a chore (because if he wanted to, he would kind of thing). I mentioned casually that I like calls but he said at that time that he is worried I'm busy and that he feels nervous during calls (which I think is BS because it's not like he hasn't done work calls). He asks me out regularly and is happy to pay for dates, plans interesting activities, and has surprised me with a few gifts, etc. Is there a way I can express this in a HVW way? I want to give him a chance to step up before I call it off basically.
In general, how do I make it clear what I expect in the relationship without saying it directly/in a LV way?
Thank you!
He's nervous on calls but not in person? Videochats are no different than meeting in person, so if he's "nervous" about doing those, there's definitely something off about that. Have you been to his home before? Could he be hiding something there that might reveal itself during a call? When you're texting, propose that he call you on video and see if he refuses.
There is an FDS podcast on communication between men and women. Check it out, very useful. The steps are: hint at your expectations. Imply that there will be consequences if these are not met. Wait and see what he does. If he doesn't meet the expectations you set, apply the consequences.
So let's apply this model: say, "I usually appreciate a phone call a few times a week, it's nice to hear your voice". See what he does. Give it a week. If you don't get phone calls, then imply that there might be consequences...
Does he have a job? Then he's capable of making calls. He may not want to talk to you! I had to realize this the hard way. Try ignoring his texts for a while. Seriously, you aren't obligated to sit by the phone politely texting back and forth. I get the sense that your intuition can tell this man isn't that interested- maybe he is, but the fact he only text you once a day (not a fan of all day texting either) and when you say OUT LOUD you prefer phone calls, he doesn't do it? He might just be placating you. Are you having sex? I've been strung along before without realizing this man isn't even that interested in me. It feels so pathetic to be the one like "oh please call me". Try ignoring his calls and getting busy on the weekends. It's not a game it will just expedite what is probably already happening- he may be on his way out. If he hangs out with you regularly there's no reason he wouldn't want to talk to you for ten minutes every other day. I just keep circling back to: does he have a job? Then he's capable of making calls and following up.
> mentioned casually that I like calls but he said at that time that he is worried I'm busy and that he feels nervous during calls (which I think is BS because it's not like he hasn't done work calls).
He knows that you like calls but doesn't do it. He is giving you excuses and you are buying them. He is intentionally not calling you. When someone cares about you, they'll do what you like because you like it.
Next time you feel like chatting, give him a call. Listen to his tone when he answers. Does he sound pleased to hear from you? Then he just needs to get over whatever is holding him back from calling you. Because if the conversation progresses smoothly, he's clearly capable of talking on the phone. If he sounds awkward then that means his phone skills likely suck and it's probably not something you can count on him for.
I "broke up with" my therapist of 18 months five months into the pandemic after switching to telehealth appointments. I fucking hated it. I hated the screen, I hated being distracted by seeing myself, I hated how detached and impersonal video chatting felt. She was a decent psychologist and she was maybe a decade older than me, so she understood my cultural quips and references, but I couldn't do it any more. Some people thrive with one form of communication while others do not. You'll have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you.