How to get friends that appreciate your authenticity (without chasing)?

🎯Context always matters. For newer friendships, I only like to talk about interests, history, etc…and it is actually a red flag for me when people begin inquiring about my work/finances. But I’m 40 and I only transitioned to this in the last 5 years.

But 10,000 % agree that people result to terrible behavior when they are desperate. And they will not heaistate to harm you becaue they resent you.

I had to learn this the hard way because - like so many of us - I was raised to be helpful and that got shamelessly abused by a lot of people who in turn made me look like the bad guy for finally stating a boundary after it got too much or not being available whenever they want. It's not just men who will abuse our kindness like this. Desperate or selfish women will, too, and without any remorse.

OMG women who constantly make business proposals at you are a huge red flag. I’ve had friends who I thought were financially stable do this to me and later realized they were bad with money and saw me as the financially stable one. Don’t go into business with friends! Keep money and friendship separate. A friend who feels comfortable asking for lots of money from you or for you to risk money on their schemes doesn’t value your friendship.

What does ‘vetting’ include, when it comes to friends? Similar to what @bearfruit has said above?

i think a few things to watch out for are:

- trauma dumping too early

- takes ages to text you back

- always too busy to be with you, but goes out with other people

- only remembers you exist when needs a favor

- not compatible with your core values

- Similar values - Mentally healthy with boundaries and standards - Doesn’t chase men - Has a good head on her shoulders and a career - Doesn’t use you for free therapy - Isn’t broke and wants you to pay things for her - isn’t into drugs, alcohol, partying, etc. (I’m not like that so my friends are the same) - Talks well and is supportive - You can have fun together and still be vulnerable You will never find a 💯 match but your friends will represent you so make sure your circle of friends are good classy women because their reputation is yours basically.

Embracing the concept of luck has saved my life. There is something wrong with everybody🤣 but some people are lucky.

thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt haha

intresting to notice how the selfishness and individualism form a sort of vicious cycle: you try to be friends with people who treat you selfishly and are too self absorbed, you feel neglected, you get angry and decide to be more selfish in order to self preserve. that's how i feel right now. i've decided to be low effort with people until they prove me they are HV friends and deserve my true friendship.

For me it has been the disappointment of how difficult it is to create relationships with people who are willing to do the bare minimum. Unless I’m the initiator/driver, they just show up to the relationship at their convenience.

Even the other day a woman sent me a bid for connection (a cute ig message) but I kept it short because I suspected she wants to vent about her breakup. We have hung out once so I don’t feel like doing emotional labor for her.

And even if I’m lonely, my self-esteem/self-worth is more intact now that I have an uncompromising standard and reject people vs allowing myself to be rejected by people who don’t meet my needs. For example, now I leave people on read when they have been unresponsive or left me on read for months. It does suck to see how selfish people are But at least now I can protect myself from it.