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Well I've come to a point in my life where I am open to dating again, but I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I don't have any close friends or guys pursuing me. I've had to cut a few friends from my life throughout this year because they weren't treating me that great. My extended family is dysfunctional so I don't have cousins my age to fall back on either.
I think I look good at my age. I take care of myself and am dressing better than I ever have. My hair is curly and frizzy but I take the time to try and manage it the best I can. I think I'm fairly smart: I'm pursuing a master's degree, I'm well read, I'm very disciplined and committed to seeing my goals through. I think I am empathetic, I take great care of my dogs, my immediate family rely on me for everything lol so I know I'm a reliable person. I have a good sense of humor although on the flip side, I can be pretty tempermental.
But enough about me lol. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not a total dumpster fire. I think I am doing okay, but I can never figure out why it's so hard for me to create a satisfying social life for myself. I can do things by myself, but I don't always want to have to do things by myself.
But if I want to date, I should probably have a good social life to keep my head on straight. I feel like I'm in a double-bind here. If guys realize I do most things by myself, they'll think something's wrong with me. I want a social life, but I don't want to just pick more friends that will treat me like garbage again.
I'm not sure how to deal with all this.
Edit: As soon as I made this post, I got this update from my costar app😂
Privacy is NOT secrecy.
I have ZERO shame that my family is dysfunctional and toxic. But I also am not going to be discussing that with any man I date until after many months of vetting.
I have ZERO shame that I don’t have a supertight circle of friends going back to elementary school or even recent deep connections. But I will not be discussing any of that until after many months of people showing me they are trustworthy. Just as I have no problem with people needing time to vet me.
If a man actually takes the time to get to know you, he will see that you are a good partner and hopefully he will have the maturity and empathy that your lack of friends right now is because sometimes it’s just luck.🤷🏽♀️
I agree that whatever you do, it should not be about whether a man "thinks" something is wrong with you. So you do things by yourself instead of ....just staying at home doing nothing? You should do what makes you happy, not because a man may or may think some way about you.
For a long time I put off doing things that interested me because I had no friends to accompany me. They were busy, didn't have money, weren't interested, etc. Then I realized, why the hell do I need to wait for someone to go with me? So, I started doing things on my own. And, by doing those things on my own, over time I wound up developing new friends, with whom I can now do the things that interest me. And the new friends I've made are more like-minded.
It's kind of a catch-22. I understand wanting to do things with other people, but not having people to do things with. But...unless you go out and do things, you won't meet people to do things with.
Hey, please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that systematic dating is a good idea until you've sorted out your social life a bit. When we miss closeness from other sources than romantic partners, it obfuscates our judgement big times. Unless you're naturally very avoidant, but it's more the exception rather than the rule. My 2 cents, of course. I understand it's messy, because most friends also prioritize romantic relationships, so basically making friends is just as difficult as dating.. It's a tricky balance and not an exact science, but make sure you're not dating from a state of deprivation.
Source: my entire life
Honestly this is very normal. Making friends as adults is a learned skill and takes time, especially if you had to cut people out of your life and start anew. The FDS episode about "finding your girl gang" is helpful, see also Vanessa Van Edwards videos on "how to talk to anyone" and "how to be more sociable" (look them up on youtube). Vetting potential friends is a lot like vetting guys, don't jump all-in too soon until you have really sussed the person out and had catchups in neutral places for a while.
Ayyyy! Also a grad student and graduating in August. I’m in a similar situation as you. Currently cut off TOXIC Toxic toxic extended family. Immediate family depends on me too much. I had almost zero to no friends. Trust me, it gets better. You’ll meet people you never knew you would have been friends with. Also, you never know, but reach out to the friends that you want to remain friends with, and see if they hit back. Remember, friendship is a two way road and they probably feel what you might feel as well. Two summers ago I reached out to an old friend and we our friendship is stronger than ever. This year, I saw another old friend and we talk almost every day. I remained in contact with two of my friends for a year because they were so busy with their child.