How to apply FDS mindset when you don’t want to get married

If I ever date a man again it will be a “living together apart” situation where we both keep our own places indefinitely. I’m never living with a man again no matter how wonderful he is. FDS isn’t one size fits all. I think us “been there, done that” women should share our own FDS inspired strategies as well as be honest with the younger members about how difficult, lengthy, and expensive the divorce process can be in the USA.

Although FDS includes "dating" in the name, FDS is a mindset, and applies to leveling up as a woman whether or not a man is around. I'm anti-marriage in general because it's not beneficial to women, but neither is being a forever girlfriend. (Frankly I think we're better off single or living in communal groups with other women, but I get that some here may disagree or not want that for themselves. C'est la vie.) So for those who do want to date, FDS is essential to root out the lowest value men. However, even if you ascribe to the idea that there are some HVM out there, there are so few that it's impossible for every woman here, let alone offline and outside FDS, to find one and marry him. It's just impossible. There are so many more scrotey LVM and NVM and the older you get, the worse it is, because the HVM tend to be taken. So many more mediocre dudes. The majority, even. So necessarily, many of us are going to be single for life. I'm fine with that.

edit - also you'll notice the admin team changed the banner to The Female Strategy. Because ultimately it's ALL of your life, not just dating.

I find myself in this situation as well and I don't have a good solution to it. Because you don't want a partner who's opposed to marriage – valuing commitment is one of the hallmarks of a HVM. But it's also tricky to be with someone who definitely wants to get married when you don't. I think the best kind of man is someone who's like "I want to but only if you want to, otherwise I'm fine not doing it." I feel that men who desperately want to cross marriage off their list are just looking to lock down the benefits of having a wife, it rarely has anything to do with love. If he really loves me and wants to provide for me, he can buy me a house in my name or something lol. On the question of relationship trajectory, I'm sure you can set up some other contracts or securities when you decide on living together for the foreseeable future. I've told my partner I don't want to be at the mercy of a man in my own living space ever again, and he was understanding of that and said if we did ever move in we would find a legal solution to me retaining my autonomy (e.g. me renting an apartment by myself but setting up a sublet contract with him).

If you don't want to get married then you need to have even more ruthless terms of engagement.

Marriage for the most part is a vetting strategy of commitment -and it sounds like you've already done it and don't want to do it again (this is fine, just a different life stage of dating)

If you don't want to get married, you've gotta work on being extremely satisfied while single. Keep dating as low a priority as possible in your life, and not seek male companionship out. (You don't want to seek it out bc the toxic kings who want forever girlfriends ARE seeking women out, so avoiding is effective).

Men come and go regardless of relationship status, and it is ESPECIALLY easy for boyfriends to come and go. If you've decided marriage isn't for you, you need to bolster your life to prepare yourself to not be crushed when the men leave.

If you want a life partner but not to get married- then rethink your priorities, you're not adding things up correctly. If you want stable monogamous relationships but don't want to get married and don't expect them to last forever- you're being pragmatic and more likely to set yourself up for success

I am anti-marriage myself. I believe marriage is a trap, and slavery for women. But I do want a partnership. A long term, possibly forever situation with the love of my life. But it does put women like us in a conundrum because I feel i can't reveal my not wanting to be married, for fear the man will use that to his advantage.

I have mixed feelings about marriage.

My goal for relationships is to find a perfect partner in life. The One to share everything with. I want there to be a strong mutual commitment. Marriage of course is one way to express that commitment. I kind of a want it but kind of I'm not sure.

I'm atm in a situation where I'm concidering if my bf is a husband-material or not. He definitely is HVM, but would I marry him? I don't know yet... I think it's actually more symbolic thing than practical. Marriage is not necessarily my goal but I still want to spend my life with someone who I could marry and who would marry me if it would be important to other one. I want there to be the same seriousness and determination to share our up and downs in life.

Of course one thing I have been thinking is if I die before my spouse, I definitely want him to be my 1st heir (I don't have children nor there is going to be children in future). For a little while it doesn't matter yet since I have more dept than fortune but when I have paid my loans and there is something to inherit, it should be for my partner in life. In my country marriage is easiest way to secure there is no relatives trying to cause problems with that. But naturally, I don't want THAT to be a main reason my spouse is willing to marry me.

I maybe don't know if I want he to marry me or not, but I think FDS-mindset is good way to vet anyway. Will there be marriage or not, I still won't settle anything less than the one I COULD marry if it would feel important to me or him. So even if you are not looking for a husband, you should look for a husband-material.

Solo poly or a scrotation may be an option for you? On your terms. Treat them like Pokémon 🤠