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Hi all,
Thanks for welcoming me into the space!
I have a guy who says I've helped him out of porn addiction and he claims he hasn't watched it in over a year, and I do believe him. My issue is that I am not OK with him checking out other women and he is the type of guy who used to highly sexualize women he saw at work, at restaurants, or on the bus. Pretty much anywhere he went. He says after talking to me (we have been dating over a year), he has changed his mindset and is disgusted with how he used to be. He says he sees women merely as people now and can discern when they are attractive but knows that it doesn't concern him as a taken man. The problem is that I still feel like I catch him looking at other women sometimes when he thinks I'm not looking. (I have a sixth sense for this.) I feel absolutely crazy and like I always have to have my head on a swivel. But. Don't we all look at other people? I notice people every day but I never take the time to stare or consider why or why not they are attractive to me.
I think just knowing the way he used to look at other women has me scared that he is still thinking that way.
It takes years to recover from pornsickness for frequent watchers.. And honestly many men have no issue lying about quitting porn to maintain a relationship so you may want to read up on the posts about noticing pornsick behaviors and work on your snooping skills.
Ive read posts by men describing whats going on when they have that issue of ogling women in public. They say they are literally imagining having sex with them. All the time. Just from checking them out. They are noticing their body parts like they are pieces of meat. Women are dehumanized and sexualized to them, totally objectified. It was gross, I think I read it on tifu from guy admitting to be a porn addict? Like they look at your sister and immediately think threesome.
We don't get men to quit porn and try to heal them, this is not build a man, we vet for the ones that don't have brain rot and limp dicks.
"I feel absolutely crazy, he SAYS he sees women as people now and no longer has a porn addiction" Stop gaslighting yourself, you aren't "crazy", people don't change in a year. Even if he did change long term he'll go back to his old ways. Most likely he never stopped his habits but didn't want you to leave him because he's getting sex from you so he learned how to hide these thoughts and behaviors.
What do you mean, you "have a guy"? He's your boyfriend? I wouldn't date a man who can't stop himself from openly lusting after other women in a relationship. You aren't a life coach, free therapist or prison guard for any man. If he's not your boyfriend leave him alone, like in every way, why would you want to be friends with a man who isn't interested in you and is openly community dick porn addict? He says he sees women as people now because he wants you to think he's "such a good guy" and so you don't see it coming when he cheats on you, or you find out about his cheating. He was probably openly lusting after waitresses etc to triangulate you and lower your self esteem. If you are prideful or vain or naive you might fall for these love bombing things "oh you changed me baby I used to be such a piece of shit until you came around"
Porn addicts can often abstain in the early part of a relationship because the woman is novel to them. My ex used to watch a lot of porn and just stopped when he met me. But when I wasn’t new and shiny any more, the usage came back. This one is broken. Throw him back and try again.
Under ordinary circumstances it's normal to look at people (in a neutral way). Because this guy has porn addiction, he most likely is still thinking that way and you are not wrong for feeling off. How did you "help" him out of his addiction? How can you truly know he is cured? Pornography addiction does not unwrap itself from the brain easily. Even if he may have stopped, how do you know he has disentangled his mind from the violence and misogyny of porn? How do you know he isn't still aroused by the vile things on there? If a man wants to change, HE has to be doing the work and spearheading the progress. He needs to be looking for resources and enforcing habits. If you were doing these things for him, it's a strong sign he's not changing.
If he is still looking at other women (anywhere else except their eyes/face) there’s an issue, period. Women don’t look directly at a mans dick, do they?
He sounds extremely low value. Block and delete sis.