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Say everythings going well but then he says or does something that you dont like, doesnt sit well with you and you dont want to happen again. Whats your procedure on going about this? Obviously with some things, you instantly cut him out. But what about other, more subtle or individual things that could be down to a misunderstanding, personal preferances etc. I read a lot that we should just instantly cut him out, but I dont know, maybe its a bit pickme of me but I think surely communication has its place somewhere? I dont know.
So what for you are things you instantly get rid of him for that are a sure sign of bad things to come(for example if he strops when you say no) and what are things that are more individual and personal(your own personal preferences in regards to being treated a certain way) and how do you go about dealing with things if he crosses that line? Do you call him out on it once(and how do you do that?) and then if he does it again, he's gone? I think thats how i'd do it. Or do you just drop him altogether at the first sign of him doing anything you dont like? I guess what i'm asking is how much communication and laying down the rules do you do(if any) and where is the line between that and the cOmMuNiCaTiOn womens magazines tell us to do til we're blue in the face?
I find it tricky to manouvre my way around things like this, but i'm currently thinking that I personally would bluntly and emotionlessly lay down the line once, and if he does it again, then i'm out.
I don't tell men how to act. I want to know what they'd prefer to do.
Most of the time, they want to abuse women, and I'm not gonna lay out a bunch of hoops or have discussions.
Men are usually surprised when I tell them it's over, but if I have to tell a guy how to act, then it's doomed.
Even the small things. I've even offered sex early just to see if he'll say yes, and I immediately hate him if HE doesn't want to go slow.
They always come back to try to use, so I never give my real number. I can lock a guy down if I want. Been married. Get offers a lot. Once you know men are predatory, even the small things piss you off.
If it's something ambiguously shitty and I feel confused about how severe it is, I might wait and watch for it to happen a second time, then B&D. Or I might mention, "I noticed you did this shitty thing," and then wait for the second occurrence (which is flagrant disrespect at that point).
One guy kept mentioning how pretty his female friend was, repeatedly. Finally one day I said that I noticed he always talks about how pretty she is. One day after that he actually texted me a picture of her. That's when I B&Ded, but obviously, I waited too long.
FDS advice to instantly B&D does ring true 99.9999999% of the time. But I sometimes want to be 110% sure B&D is the right decision, so I let them do the shitty thing again. Is this the best way to go about it? Probably not.
Telling a man that something he did is hurtful to you can get you into "teaching and building him" territory really fast, so I feel it's best to err on the side of under-explaining (still working on it though, because as a neurodivergent I overexplain everything, not just to men). However, I do think that in dating advice, even when FDS aligned, there's this fallacy that the "right man" will magically know what to do, every time. Ideally we all would like partners who have the same exact perspective, who will know your preferences without us telling them. Many women seem to think that some things are just "obvious" and that "he should know". Well, maybe... But we have to keep in mind that in a healthy relationship, no partner should be obsessed with the other to the point of basically reading their mind (and if they do, it can be a sign of narcissistic manipulation). My ex actually told me his idea of true love was understanding each other "without words". It sounds noble and romantic, what it actually means is refusing to voice your needs and then punishing your partner for not noticing them. There's a reasonable amount of anticipation of needs that you can and should expect, but one has to respect that their partner is their own person, not a servant. And yes, I can already hear the replies of "women are always way too understanding! It's not asking for too much to want <XYZ>!" -- yes, I know, but there's no use in overcorrecting in the other direction and going "I'm not going to tell him anything, and if he doesn't get it right on his own, he's a bad partner". Also, by refusing to explain anything, you rob yourself of the chance to see how he handles conflict and reacts to you being angry or disappointed. This is valuable information. A good partner will validate your feelings and try their best to correct their behavior. It's also important to note whether their behavior belongs to a bigger pattern of disrespect or negligience or is just a quirk. With the former, all surface-level corrections are not going to get you very far, as the problem will continue to arise in other ways.
With regards to the instant block and delete; that's not realistic. Everyone is going to mess up somewhere, including you! The important thing is to recognise a red flag: this is going to be BAD down the line, so block and delete. :) Or a yellow flag: this could go either way - I'm not sure if this is a miscommunication or if he's being a twit.
No one is perfect. But does he want to try and make your life better and improve himself, or is he going to dismiss your concerns? That's how anyone can turn a yellow flag green or red, respectively.
Communicate. Observe. Vet.
It's easy for someone to accept they need to change to your face, make a few small adjustments for a couple of weeks, and then go right back to what they were doing before. (This person will make you into a nag). Lasting changes require effort and he might not get it completely right first time. He also might require your support. But use your judgement: IS he trying, or is he trying to make you shut up about the problem?
Communication does have it's place. It's with someone who listens to you and cares what you experience.
I agree with blackpanda but I'll give 2 examples:
One, our communication styles are different in that with important stuff he likes to wait to talk about it in person. I like to at least get a heads up/get the topic out there over text first (when he decides he wants to talk about it) so I have time to organize my thoughts.
This happened, I told him I like a heads up, and now he gives me a heads up.
Second thing, we started long distance and when I eventually moved he had a habit of stopping by to say hi. His family generally does this with each other (yes, this is small town problems), and also he was excited to be able to see me. I do not like unannounced guests, and told him to ask at least a day ahead so I can plan my time. He has done that since.
I vote for block and delete unless you want to see more of what gave you the ick. It seems they do it on purpose to see what they can get away with. One example from my past let his binge drinking slip out accidentally too soon and I almost didn’t marry him. He got falldown drunk but swore it never happened before and wouldn’t happen again. Insert old crone cackling - I was young then. What he does reveals who he is.
I give feedback once for something. If it happens again then usually leave. Think if someone gave you genuine feedback on something that made them uncomfortable would you keep doing it? Common sense says no:) Also someone who keeps going over your feedback just imagine the disaster or a relationship youd be in for!
If it's something like him being late or interrupting, or a misunderstanding, I would communicate once only that it bothered me and that I didn't like it and I want this behaviour corrected. If it's not corrected I will leave rather than repeat myself. For misunderstandings and small things, communication is necessary, but you should only need to communicate your need once. If he doesn't correct his behaviour, he doesn't respect you. It's worthless to keep repeating yourself, and resentment will only build up.
Ask yourself this: If he doesn't change, would it become a dealbreaker?
If the answer is, "Yes, it'd be a dealbreaker." Then there's no need for communication. You're not his mother. Block and delete.
If the answer is, "No, it's not a dealbreaker, but I prefer if he stops/changes." Then you can try to communicate.
For me it would depend on the situation. If the men does things that violate my standards, boundaries or makes me loose respect for him the. It’s instant B&D. However, there were times where things were not clear and I wasn’t sure what the situation meant in terms of his character so I took some time and observed his behavior overtime. If his behavior that bothered becomes consistent and repetitive than yes I B&D. If his further actions showed the initial situation was a misunderstanding than I continue.