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I'm incredibly unhappy with my life. I turn 26 this month and I'm not excited.
My boyfriend was supposed to plan something nice for my birthday. He got a hotel, picked something for us to do, but didn't put much thought into getting me from point A to point B (we are 4 hours apart). When I tried to ask about it, he said he wanted to drive me (so drive 4 hours here, and then 4 hours back. 8 hours for me, 16 for him) just for a weekend. But also couldn't take off any days for work, so there wouldn't be a ton of time to actually do things and relax. He was also being fussy about wanting to be the one to pick me up and drop me off, even if I got a bus or plane ticket, even though he couldn't take time off from work, which just makes plans almost impossible.
I told him a bus ticket or a plane ticket at the time would be a lot more convenient for the both of us and it was also cheap at the time we had this conversation, but he didn't get it on his own and didn't try to fix things on his own. I told him I really don't want to go and be stuck in a car for so long. He then says he'll be here for my birthday, and then proceeds to tell me he forgot he has jury duty and for some reason he has to call every evening to see if they need him the next day? And can't guarantee being here for my birthday. I haven't heard of it being done that way, but so be it.
What's bothering me is that he keeps telling me he is able to do xyz, and then either forgets his responsibilities or is too stubborn to admit that he has things he needs to do and can't just go out and about with me. I feel it's reasonable for me to be upset by this. After me getting pretty upset and having to tell him again how to plan things and do surprises, he does something, but I just feel so... empty.
There have been plenty of moments like this. I tell him very directly what I like, want, expect, etc. He doesn't pick it up. He doesn't understand. I get upset. He finally kinda does it, and it's like great... am I supposed to feel happy now? After all the sadness and arguing I'm supposed to feel happy you finally did it? And even then it's not fully done. What is there to be excited by? Surprised by? Why are you asking me what kind of cake I want? I've been telling you what I want. And if we've been together this long, shouldn't you know what I like or might like if it's something new? I feel like he does not know me well enough to surprise me and he doesn't know how to do surprises in general either.
All of this to say: I'm miserable. He doesn't seem to know me well. He says he wants a life with me, but today I mention apartments and moving out, and he says it's too expensive (it's $1,800). But he's fine with spending money on other things for me, things I don't want or need that just create more mess and clutter. What I really want is a place to call my own to share with someone, to go on dates and vacations and enjoy life together.
And I know the advice would be to leave him and focus on myself. I understand that. The question is how. How do you do that when you are so enmeshed with someone else? When you do not have a job and have health issues? How do you do that when you don't really get along with your family that you live with and don't have a way to move out on your own? How do you do that when you don't have a college degree? Where is a good place to start? How do I do this without running back out of fear of being alone or broke? How do I do this without a support group?
I have some health issues that make it hard to go out. I'm currently working on exercising daily, losing weight, and eating better. Getting more sleep, decluttering my room, having my virtual therapy appointments every week.. but what else do I do? I turn 26 soon and I don't want another year like this. I can't do another year of this. I've been waking up every day this month feeling so tired and so done with how things are. I'm tired of my relationship. I'm tired of my family. I'm tired.
Congrats, you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is the inflection point where real change happens.
The best way to help yourself detach is to become more independent and expand your horizon. It'll build confidence and set you up for what's next.
To get a job:
- look for online/remote jobs you can do from home and that fit your health/accessibility level. There's an FDS post about this. It includes bookkeeping, virtual assistant, Etsy store, editor etc.
- network. seriously. 85% of jobs are secured through connections
- update your resume
- don't worry about not having a degree. These days, consistency, reliability and attitude will carry you further. You can structure your resume to downplay this. Many careers don't require a degree, but maybe a certification. Lots don't require anything
Once you start saving money, you can move away from your family and him. Build a small stash of money to keep you going so when you leave you've got a runway.
You've got a support group, it's FDS.
I'm sure you'd be less exhausted without this unfulfilling, energy-zapping one-sided relationship. I suffered from chronic depression over a few years in my 20s as a result of family trauma. Shedding the baggage that you can shed will help you start to retain energy for yourself. Make and stick to your boundaries with your family and realise that a breakup will be very difficult at first but then get better when you finally have all that energy for you. You really need all of it for you--you might be unwell but that doesn't mean life can't get better. I promise, as someone who really struggled through her 20s, it very much can get better.
I couldn't afford to do it on my own at your age either. I was absolutely miserable at 26 and relate to your post a lot. Living with family hadn't been an option since I was 21. I had a completely miserable relationship that stressed me out, but staying with him was the only way for me to split rent (that I could see at that time).
I did have female friends that I could have roomed with long term but wasnt open to it and was too scared to be a bother and ask. But I know I would have saved myself years of a bad relationship if I split rent with a girlfriend instead of my ex.
I think your priority for your situation is to get your health to the point where you can work towards a career and hold a job. I have no degree either but ended up in a field that wants to see experience and certification.
I would see what certification programs are available at your colleges. Would your parents financially support you pursuing schooling that can certify you in like a 1-2 year program? I ended up in histology if that's an option for you. There's colleges with programs for it that would teach you everything. It's mostly sitting and using fine motor skills but unfortunately most jobs are night shift. Phlebotomy is a 6 week crash course then you get certified but I had a hard time finding a job in that field without the experience.
At the risk of sounding like a loop-n-repeat, I would advice you to keep a (completely private) diary. Journaling helps a LOT with mental health and here's the part that would be useful for your situation- it can bring answers and clarity.
For example, when considering different jobs and their pros and cons, writing about them on paper would bring better clarity and even revelations. Personally, I make all my decisions on paper- the answers come when I write all my problems.
Also, venting on paper is incredibly helpful for reducing feelings of frustration and helplessness. Personally, I pretend I am writing to my soul- and the journal acts like a odd kind of "support group" to me.
Recording your experiences with the LV bf and other people/situations can help you see for real the baggage you are carrying. It will help reduce any chances of you self gaslighting yourself later. Your post itself is such a record- when you wrote it, did you feel a sense of clarity or let out a "sigh" of sorts? That's the effect you should be going for while journaling
If you already have a habit of journaling, I would advice you to do this first thing in the morning (as in "Morning Pages"). This has a powerful effect on me- I am much more productive and centered on the days I do this
Good luck!
Clearly this relationship is not bringing anything positive to your table and I'm glad you have enough sense to write this all in one post. I want you to re-read this thread and ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life, and the other birthdays in the future, with a man who keeps acting so useless like this when it comes to making and keeping plans with you.
I suggest breaking up. You tried communication and it didn't work. Here in FDS, we almost never suggest communication with men because, trust me, they already know you're unhappy, and they don't give a fuck. They only care once they finally lose you.
In terms of apartments. Tbh, here at FDS, we also don't believe in cohabitation with a scrote unless he's a husband. But I do understand what you mean about wanting to feel closer to your boyfriend overall. His responses has shown me that he doesn't care about your happiness. I'm sorry.