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Firstly, I know that I do not *have* to tell him anything. This has been a 7year relationship, so after all this time, He obviously knows that I am not having my needs met and just doesn't care, which has proven that he is a LVM.
I feel like I have been so unhappy for so long, (since I was 16 and I'm almost 24) that I don't know any differently, but I do know that I deserve more and bc of FDS, I now know I'd be better off single.
My trouble is, because there was no "defining moment" or "straw that broke the camels back", I'm not getting any closure to push me to take the step and actually break up with him.
Even if there isn't anything left to tell him ( as he hasn't listened for 7 years so why would he listen now?)
are there any steps I can take to give myself the closure I need/prepare for taking the step of ending the relationship?
My sister, who showed me FDS, said there is a chance that there will be no closure, and that I could waste more of my precious time of my early 20s waiting for something that may not happen, and may not be worth it to wait. I do agree with her, but it's a hard reality.
Any feedback, ideas, opinions, or just shit talking of the LVM in my life is appreciated.
Thank you ladies!
A bit of rambling from me.... You've answered your own question. I will add distance, block and delete. F*ck closure. Exception here is closed doors! You know he is a LVM but you DO NOT need closure you need RUN...sure...runsure! Leave his ass alone quietly for your life and sanity. Live with, near, or have places in common? Leave IMMEDIATELY. Any friends, associates, homeless person he gives your money to in common? Sorry. You gotta separate for a while and I mean A. WHILE. Any accounts under anything belonging to him? Cancel IMMEDIATELY. I don't care if it's food delivery. Scour everything like a micro laser and DELETE. Library card (somehow?)? CANCEL. He gave you a teddy bear he won at a carnival? Donate to charity. Leave his stuff at his parents house overnight like a reverse burglar. Dress in black and tip toe and what not if you must 😄 Or early morning after sunrise. Just do not talk to or be face-to-face with him or anyone else he knows. No matter how you do it I recommend that you do not communicate with him or anyone he knows. Digitally and realistically detox yourself of him and his universe. You're worth it! Keep us posted.
Fuck closure and fuck needing a reason to dump someone.
You not wanting to be there anymore if reason enough to go—you aren't arguing your case in front of a judge.
It's really rare to marry someone you started dating at 16 because you're a completely different person. Drop the deadweight and soar into your adult life.
Congrats on a tough call, be proud of yourself.
Personally I enjoy burning bridges with people I don't like/ ever want to talk to again. It sounds like a perfect opportunity to start an argument over literally anything, especially something that has irked you regularly, and then be like i just don't think this is gonna work out so I'd like you to leave, either pack his shit right then or have it packed beforehand (collect it all in a box for... Organization purposes 😁).
ALSO do you think if there was nothing in this relationship that benefited this LVM that he would EVEN HESITATE to DUMP YOU Without a second thought? Xoxo
Baby girl, my beautiful sweet innocent me ten years ago. This is when you just have to ghost. I KNOW SOCIETY SAYS WOMEN SHOULDNT DO IT BECAUSE it’s bad. I know it’s MEANT TO BE TABOO. I know culture says women who do this are BITCHES. ITS BULLSHIT. But listen gorgeous. You need to live this life. please know this lesson that it’s this life is ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU are the main character. YOU are the one who makes shit happen for yourself. at the end of the day NO ONE WILL DO THIS FOR YOU BUT YOU. so pack up your things seperate yourself mentally and begin the most exciting enriching exhilarating journey EVER! because it just ALL ABOUT YOU. and we are here for you.
Thank you so much everyone for your feedback- it’s helping me realize closure isn’t something he will provide to me and only something I can give myself by ending the relationship. I know it will be so fucking freeing in closing a shitty chapter and that is closure enough for me. I will update you all when I take the step, I promise to myself and you guys that I will do it!
Not liking a person, not really getting with them, general unhappiness: these are all valid reasons to block and delete. One of my college boyfriends was a liar and a creep, and I finally told him we have nothing in common, so we should break up. He had the audacity to say that wasn't a reason. Except it completely is. 🤷♀️ I only got rid of him by moving and changing my number. Do that if possible.
You have grown up with this LVM, so you are attached, but you can change. Think of being single as a new uber-hobby that takes up your whole life. That means focusing on everything that is in your life like work, studies and regular hobbies. If you haven't got anything to focus on, go to a bookstore or library and see what interests you from the nonfiction. Then start a self-study of that subject. Keep your mind engaged. Heck, just knitting can calm and clear your mind!
Definitely don't focus on telling him to change. You've tried that for almost a decade now. Even if he does change, it's due to you threatening to break up, not because he genuinely cares. If he did, he would've treated you better 7 years ago. Don't waste time on someone who causes pain, life is too precious for that.
Tell him it's over.
Just end it. Leave. Rip off the bandaid. There is nothing more to say, and no need to drag it out.
"I'm not happy with you anymore, and will no longer be part of this relationship. Goodbye." In a text. Done. No need for further drama. Simplify! It's only as hard as you want to make it for yourself from here on in.
Write down all of the reasons you want to break up and in another column write down all of the reasons why you’d stay. Compare. There’s your closure. When a relationship or situation becomes more detrimental to you to keep it than it does to leave, that’s when you know it’s over. Why waste your good years being unhappy? You’ve certainly given him enough time to treat you in the manner you’d like to be treated. Closure is something you give to yourself when you realize it’s over, and you stop fantasizing that he’ll magically change his character after all of these years. That’s Disney, not reality. Reality is that a man who doesn’t treat you well gets WORSE overtime rather than better.
Would really love an update? Xx
Just know that you have to give yourself a chance to find someone who really values your experience, sees / hears you and takes you serious. You have to believe in that and get yourself in a position where that can happen. You’re young and it’s very hard to be alone when someone has been part of your life for so long but staying with someone affects the rest of your life which is a long time. feeling this way forever is not okay. You can’t live out your life if you aren’t seen or heard in your life.