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Hi Everyone! So, I have realized I have a problem with academic validation and I don't know how to let go of it. I wrote an explanation for my feelings down here but its not really necessary to read it if someone has advice for this issue, its just more context.
Couple years ago I really wanted to get into med school. I gave it my all but unfortunately under the circumstances at the time I didn't manage to get the necessary grades. I was very good but it still not good enough. Even though there were other measures I could take to get in, I decided against it. I saw my grades as a sign that this wasn't the right path for me and looked for something else.
I realized that I need a creative job and after some thinking chose the field of Animation (maybe some of you saw my posts about it on the weekly threat for goals over the past year). I am quite good at and have fun with everything that is required for this job, however its highly competitive and pretty difficult to be successful in (as in make a name for yourself). I don't mind that, I think its half the fun BUT that means I need a lot of patience and hard work to see results and since I am still at the beginning of this journey, there isn't much of that right now.
So this is my issue: I thought I had moved on from the idea of med school but one of my closest friends did get in (it was both our goal) and I cannot help but feel annoyed. The thing is I am actually really happy for her, she worked so hard and the field suits her but I know that the main reason she did it was because of academic validation (She has alluded to this fact multiple times). This brought up the feelings I have and I realized its probably the reason I feel weird. But I don't want to feel this way, I want to be just happy for her and happy for me. I dont want to act based on academic validation. I feel like even now in amination half the reason I want to do it is to get validation for my abilities but this is wrong, I want to love it for its own sake.
My life has been sort of in shambles since covid and I had to put so much energy into fixing it. Its still a long way and it bothers me that I have less time for my goals because of it. At the same time I compare myself to this friend who had a pretty easy time, everything works according to her plan which is good. It's ideal and what we all wish for (especially because everyone has problems and nobodys life is perfect). I know this in my brain but I have a hard time feeling this way, so please, does anyone have experience with this and maybe some advice?
Thank you in advance :)
Have you heard about Puttylike? It's a website for people who have multiple interests and want to pursue different fields. Here's the link: https://puttylike.com/
A lot of people with ADHD have diverse hobbies and goals. There are lovely books about this too. Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstine is a great one. It helps with feelings of validation too. Once you accept your brain for what it is, it makes life much easier- because you realize your brain is unique and you cannot really compare it with others.
I had a lot of shame when I was young for not passing a major competitive exam. I was a fairly bright student and respected my studies and was very sincere. But my brain did not cooperate and I couldn't apply myself the way my peers were. Everybody acted like this was a moral failing on my part- that I was lazy and unintelligent. "Why can't you just work harder? Just study! Focus!"
Years later, I self diagnosed myself with ADHD, and slowly came to terms with how my brain works. It helped tremendously with feelings of comparison and competition. I still struggle with shame but I know better interventions now than to force myself to become like my peers and friends
The sad thing is if you were male you would’ve gotten into med school even with low grades. I just made a post about schools pushing women out in favour of men with lower grades.
I also want to caution you against pursuing animation as a career if you’re still uncertain. I have friends who’ve worked in animation/VFX for decades and they would all tell you to run. The pay isn’t good enough for the unethical slave labour expected of you —not to mention it is still a very misogynistic field. Most burn out and change careers. It would need to be your absolute dream job.
One more thing: don’t look for validation outside yourself because it just won’t ever happen. You must validate yourself because only you know what you really need. It’s definitely a skill. When you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, stop the thought. Think how your needs and wants are different and you’ll never truly know someone else's deepest needs and wants. Also, as a teacher, school validates linguistic and mathematic skills plus test taking skills, and not much else.
For reference, look up Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences. There are at least seven or eight! Anyone and everyone, my niece included, who has felt let down and frustrated by school, has these other intelligences that aren't as validated. This may be you!
I get this. When I was in my 20s, I so wanted to get all the degrees and be a professor but it was not to be. Partly the world changed: PhD jobs were super uncommon and hard to get in the late 90s and it’s gotten worse. It would have meant moving to some very small town and just not getting paid for poop. It’s also partly economic oppression for everyone. I decided to become a regular K-12 teacher and out in California, made extremely good money esp compared to here in the Deep South where I come from and have retired back to. But I had to get all the emotions out because being a professor and researcher was a dream. I was an instrumental teacher never a vocational teacher. The latter comes from the heart and it’s a real calling. The former is what most people are: it’s an extremely pro-social, good job that does a ton of good and people grow into being good to really good teachers over time, but it’s often a second or third career. This was me. This also has to do with your stage of life. Taken from the good but dated Passages by Gail Sheehy, your “try out 20s” are time for experimentation but by your late 20s and on, most people settle into what they’ll be doing for good, with some movement both lateral and vertical. And then there are people like me: I’m 54, was a teacher for over a quarter century, and now want to open my own catering business, something completely new. All this to say, there’s a time for experimentation, and a time for stability, growing your skills, making sure you have health benefits and a pension. Then when you have all that, you have a solid base to do just what pleases you! Best of luck, queen. You got this.