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Hello FDS. Thank you so much for saving my life. I am indebted to you all but I am struggling to forgive myself. I want to preface this by saying that I feel deeply ashamed of my former self. I cry when I think of all the years of my life that I wasted. From age 14 to almost 28, I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. It wasn’t until recently that I made the decision to live for myself
Just some background, I’m an only child that was raised by very distant, aloof parents. What made it worse was that I struggled with low self-esteem my entire life
One event that happened to me as a child was I accidentally stumbled across my father’s porn collection. I accepted very early on in my life that this is a thing that men do. It didn’t help that I grew up in a secular environment where casual sex and porn was seen as normal
I remember when 50 Shades of Grey came out and BDSM became more mainstream. I was a virgin at the time and I was so terrified of being seen as boring in bed. I wanted to be more desirable to men
It’s so mortifying when I think of all the painful, degrading, and traumatic acts that I accepted and even encouraged. What’s such a tragedy is that was so many years of my life that I’ll never get back. I’m still dealing with trauma to this day. I lied to myself by saying that is what I wanted. I would tell myself that I am empowered. I am taking back my sexuality. I am so progressive and ground-breaking
From ages 14-19, I was groomed by a 27 year old man who was violent and controlling. I never had sex with him but he pressured me to send pictures. From ages 20-23, I was raped by my second boyfriend. He forced me to perform sexual acts on him and his friends. I finally escaped before my 24th birthday. I still haven’t recovered. What’s so terrible is that after I escaped the worst nightmare that ever happened to me, was that I got into three more abusive relationships
The first one strangled me and penetrated me anally without asking. The second one forced me to perform oral sex on him and slapped me so hard that my ear started ringing. The third one was the police officer that I mentioned in my previous post. He used his position as a police officer to gain my trust. He took advantage of me at a very vulnerable time in my life. I was almost homeless. I only had $50 to my name. I didn’t have enough to afford rent. He said to me that he would protect me and let me live with him. I thought I was safe with him
This happened gradually but he started bringing up more and more depraved sexual acts. He would threaten to find someone else if I didn’t. He first pressured me to an open relationship and trying swinging. He would want to watch pornography while I performed oral sex on him
I tried to convince myself that I was fine with it but it would tear apart my self-esteem when I saw the porn he was looking at and the pornstars he was following on Instagram. The pornstars and OnlyFan girls are permanently etched in my mind. It was especially painful that they were a different race and age group than me. If you stay with a pornsick scrote, you are in for a whirlwind of heartbreak. I thought it would hurt less with time. It didn’t
Fast forward, he dumped me on my birthday because there were some sexual acts that I felt uncomfortable doing. He contacted me later saying that he never got over me. He only was contacting me again because he was looking to use me, not because he suddenly woke up and realized my value
I wish I never responded but I took him back. I thought to myself, “Oh, he truly loves me. We were meant to be. He was tired of trying to find me in other women.” He asked me if I wanted monogamy and I said yes. I foolishly thought that he changed
A terrifying event happened in April that changed the way I looked at him. He strangled me during sex. Every instinct in my body was flaring up. He had done violent and painful things to me before in bed but I never thought a police officer would do something life-threatening to me. I thought I was safe with him. I thought he would protect me. Thankfully, I never was intimate with him again after that. The bad news is that I was too weak to leave him
What was finally my breaking point was that I discovered his secret Twitter account. At first, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t him. But it obviously was. He didn’t use his real name or post pictures of himself but he posted pictures of his guitars and I recognized the background to his photos. He was using the account to watch porn and was interacting with local sex workers over an extended period of time. I broke down crying scrolling through all his replies and likes
That is when I finally said to myself that I’m done. I am tired of suffering for a garbage human. I am tired of playing an act of someone I’m not. I don’t want violent sex. I want to feel loved. He thinks that I am his doormat and that I don’t have the strength to leave. But the thing is that I do. I blocked him everywhere and will never contact him again. He does have intimate pictures of me but I’d rather they float around on the internet than having him in my life. I am finally realizing this at the age of 27. I am almost 28
What breaks me so much is that I knew deep down that these men didn’t love me. I knew they didn’t care about me or my life. These men showed me time after time that they were only interested in my body and nothing else. They wouldn’t care if I was left for dead. But I stayed. I was terrified of being lonely. I was desperate for companionship. I thought by me engaging in these acts would build up my self-esteem. I guess I also craved for some excitement in my life. I thought there was an exciting factor of having sex and sending pictures. But it was just unfulfilling and left me feeling empty. It wasn’t worth it. Even to the acts I consented to, I still feel like I was raped. I can’t believe that I convinced myself that abusive sex was love
To all women reading this, male validation is not worth your happiness. It’s not worth your life. If I have the strength to leave then you do too. Please never base your identity turning yourself into a vessel for man's sexual wants
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. It truly is horrendous. Self compassion is one of the building blocks of self esteem. You must hold yourself close to your chest, the innocent girl who weathered more than her fair share, and give her all the love and empathy you can muster. It is not your fault. I share your rage —- the coercion and outright rape is the sort of violation that haunts the memory. But you’re not to blame for the crimes committed against you by depraved disgusting pigs. Please try CBT if you can manage it. And this may be unpopular, but look into alternative remedies for PTSD if you’re so inclined. There’s a lot of research on this. If you can, volunteer with abused women. It may help you to forgive yourself when you see ailing women who’s experiences reflect yours. It would also help you understand that it is not your fault, and you’re not alone in your experiences. I hope healing comes to you like a pain free oasis. I wish you all the love and protection you deserve. I can’t believe we have to live side by side with widespread male depravity. I’m so sorry.
It's normal that you are grieving. It will take time. For me at least it was so difficult to accept how much attention I gave men to my own detriment. Forgiving myself has been a process.
What helped me is awareness on personal and political level. Realizing how the odds had been stacked against me with all the cultural and familial programming. Realizing that I did my best to survive while being brainwashed. Realizing I still managed to be stronger than all that. And so did you.
I did a lot of parts work in therapy and that helped me to develop self compassion. You see, no parts of ourselves are bad, they just try to protect us in ways that helped us survive when we were younger but aren't serving us anymore. It's like they're stuck in a remote past and they don't know how to do things differently. Your "pick me" part has been so hungry for connection for so long and she thought that giving up power was the only way to feel connected, because that's what seemed to work in the distant past (and society reinforces and enforces this). She must have been very lonely and I feel for her. I wish I could hug her. She was trying to help in a dysfunctional way.
She needs to know that you're an adult now and you can choose to connect with people who will love you in safety, people for whom you won't need to give up your power and boundaries because they will honor that other side of you, the side of you that has autonomy. She needs to know you can both be loved and be free and safe. You just need to find new, healthier ways to nourish your desire to connect, ways that don't compromise your integrity.
If you start to see your pick me self as a misguided helper that needs to be redirected, someone who was trying to provide a sense of connection for your inner child, it might be easier to forgive. There are no recipes, but this is what worked for me in my journey. I offered you this perspective hoping it might help.
Also, the misogyny programming runs deep. It's literal brainwashing and we cant escape it. We have been mind controlled into surrendering our integrity. It's NOT your fault.
Wish you all the healing in the world. Get trauma therapy if you can. You are SO strong sister. You went through hell and came out alive. You woke up to the harm that has been inflicted to you. It's not always the case. You have so much life and freedom ahead of you! ❤️
This is the devastation that liberal feminist ideology has wrought. May this evil leftist male empire come to a close like communism and lysenkoism before it.
Most women have done things for men that they didn’t want to do. It’s the way society programs girls to cater to male needs and wants that really sets us up for abuse. The natural nurturing side of a girl is used against her by males to get her to perform like a circus clown for them all the while believing she’s doing good by nurturing his needs by putting herself last. Just realize it’s not really your fault that you were bombarded from all sides with these messages to cater to men. Now that you’ve realized that you were lied to and fooled, you can put your foot down and never accept that type of behavior again. Try not to blame yourself too much; these men shouldn’t feel like they’re allowed to treat any woman this way! They’re the ones who are sick in the head and heart, and you didn’t make them that way. I like to watch nature and see how the males behave. The cattle down the road are a great example of male leadership. The bull always eyes me and comes over to see what I’m doing as I walk by. He’s always standing guard over his calves and cows. He’s always the first one ready to intercept a predator. That’s how human males should be. When they’re not like that, it’s THEM who are the problem. If you’re not a better man than the bull in the field, it’s you who have the problem not the women who you’re dealing with.
Huge hugs to you. I think we've all gone against our instincts and logic because we just want to feel loved. I know I have, especially when they say the things I desperately need to hear. I'm still trying. You're worth it, and one day we'll find it. Hugs
I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced, @Heidi
The other ladies have provided some wonderful, warm wisdom already but I’ll add my 2 cents. You deserve the absolute best and your life is only just beginning. We have all pursued less than stellar ideas and engaged in various pursuits in a bid to be loved or accepted. The nature of what you agreed to says far less about you than it does your perpetrators. You sought acceptance whilst they were simply depraved. The fact you reached you’re ‘I’m done’ moment at all is a powerful credit to you.
And look, you’re not even 30, you’re brave enough to share your experiences with a group of women who can both relate and support. This ‘new’ world is just beginning for you. I read Tina Turner’s book ‘happiness becomes you’ where she talks about turning her horrendous experiences (financial, verbal, sexual and physical abuse) at the hands of Ike Turner into her most defining moments. It leans towards her Buddhist practices, but honestly the whole book isn’t about that - it feels like warm sunshine and she addresses the rage she felt (and how she coped) on her path to a much happier existence and her superstardom. You might take great comfort in reading her account.
And as others have said, do seek help to process what you’ve been through with a professional. Be ruthless in finding the right therapist for you, too. Find someone who you can feel totally at ease with. It might not be the first one you meet. Feel like more people need to understand this before they get jaded with a bad fit.
Remember, it’s forward for you now. Put your shame in a box and throw it out. Apply FDS principles and live your very best life. And forgive yourself, whichever way you can.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I can relate that it's so hard to forgive yourself. The gaslighting done by the society doesn't help either. First it gaslights you to stay in the abusive situation and then it gaslights you to blame yourself. I remember that FDS gave me lots of validation and helped me forgive myself more. But it's a journey not an action. Based on your experience I think that you might have CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex PTSD) just like me. I remembered that when I discovered this diagnosis it validated so much of my experience and also explained a lot. I would advice to find a good compassionate therapist experienced with trauma. It's not easy to find a good one but it's worth it. Bad ones can make it worse by re-traumatization, so listen to your intuition and find out about their credentials. If this option is unavailable, I suggest trying FST (family system therapy). Dispite its name it doesn't have ànything to do with family. Instead, it's about compassionately dealing with all parts of yourself. It is the best thing I've encountered for dealing with trauma as it's the most respectful towards it. It has the rules that allow you to work with trauma safely without re-traumatizing yourself. You can even do it by yourself without a therapist. I can suggest a workbook that I'm using myself. There's also an option of EMDR with a therapist who is also experienced with FST (family system therapy) but it's not very good if you dissociate a lot. I would make it a next step after some therapy or FST work. I also take SSRI antidepressants. Take it one day at a time and try to be kind to yourself
firstly, continue to forgive yourself for everything that you went through. pickmes stick to the cycle of horrifying trauma because they never forgave themselves and always assume they deserve anything that happened. we know that's not true. so take time to appreciate your strengths, your lovely traits and your whole self. realizing what you did at 28 is a great accomplishment because some pickmes are much more advanced in age yet they still refuse to change.
you are so strong for coming to your epiphany and unflinchingly taking steps to move forward. snap yourself out of pickme behavior when you feel like you're about to cave; continuously do that until it feels natural to not even think about it.
i second the therapy suggestion too. you have been through a lot and the anger from being treated horribly will creep up every now and then. have you watched the movie luckiest girl alive? the way the main lead behaved is how you will react throughout the years. yes, you have the right to be angry but never at the wrong people.
all the best ❤️
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through those experiences and wish you love light and healing ❤
I had something similar happen to over the years but in different ways. You can and will move past this.