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Hi sisters! I have things I want to share that I think will help us understand how decentring men can make our lives better. So here I go!
The context: I was at college and I simply could not find a job in the field I wanted. I was 30 and had no perspectives of anything. I was depressed because I was deeply disatisfied with my life. I still lived with my parents, no job, no boyfriend, no nothing. Just a few friends who were younger than me and seemd to be thriving, which made me feel even worse. I felt like a loser. But being single was definitely one of the main reasons why I felt so miserable. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I was attractive, smart, interesting... but men never wanted anything serious with me even though I tried to be what they wanted ("If I show him I can be a good girlfriend, he'll want to be my boyfriend, right?").
Until a couple years ago, before the pandemic, I decided to really think about the odds of finding "the one". I asked myself basically 3 questions:
What do I want from a partner?
What do men usually want from women?
What is the probability of finding someone AND being reciprocated?
Well, the answers I found after reflecting a lot upon such questions were the following:
I want a little bit more than the bare minimum, but still completely acceptable things.
Most of them want (sex) slaves who they can treat like shit
Non-zero probability, but extremely low
And how did I get to these conclusions? Mostly empirical observations (my own experiences and the experiences of other women I know and also women from the internet). And I also understood that the reason why dating was so fucking stressful was because of male violence and the need to keep my guard up constantly.
I realised I didn't want to live like that. Men had nothing to offer me and the best thing I could do was accept that love is rare and it might never happen to me. Then I should focus on myself and persue my dreams that were not related to romance. Specifically, I wanted to level up my career and be financially independent because I was sick and tired of alternating between sucky jobs that paid me badly and unemployment. It's worth noting that by then I didn't know about FDS. I had only just heard about it, but I didn't know what it was exactly (only goes to show how FDS is not the reason why women are giving up on men, right?).
And ladies, I've got to tell you... My life has changed for the better and I'm sure it will keep improving! And I think I know why and how. Now that I don't care about men anymore:
- I focus my time and energy on myself and my own development, which helps me study and learn very important skills for my career transition
- I don't need male approval, which means I don't have to worry as much about the ridiculous beauty standards set for women
- I don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, cheating, domestic violence, etc.
- I appreciate things about me that have nothing to do with having a boyfriend, like my personal and professional achievements, my life goals and ambitions, my hobbies, etc.
- I feel more confident overall because I don't measure my value based on what men want or how much male attention I get
- There is space in my mind to think about other things that don't make me depressed or angry (because thinking about dating as a straight woman is annoying and exhausting)
- Less stress, less fear, less insecurity, less self doubt, less guilt, less anger
The list goes on, but I think you get the gist of it. My theory is that by measuring my value based on whether or not I could have a boyfriend and true love from a man, I ended up confused and generalized the lack of male attetion to other areas of my life. I thought that I sucked at everything and therefore no one wanted to date me, I wasn't good enough to find a good job, etc. I spent so much mental energy on trying to wrap my head around dating that there was no space to deal with what actually mattered for my happiness.
I've been able to find something very, very close to my dream job and I've never been more confident, happier and successful. That means that giving up on men has given me the space and energy I needed to grow by getting to know me better, learning new things (a new profession), working on myself, taking better care of my health, choosing better friends, setting better boundries, etc. The benefits beat the need for love and good quality sex (both very rare when you're a straight woman).
People use to say we see ourselves as the main character of our life story - because we are - but I wanted my life to be like a romantic comedy or a romance, when in fact life as a straight woman fits the thriller and horror categories... But I want my life to be an adventure!
Decentering men has definitely made my life better. Now just as a disclaimer, I don't mean to say that all women here must give up on men (although I'd love that). Any woman has the right to want love, a husband, a family. What I want with this post is to explain in what ways my life changed once I decided to decenter men. In my case, I realised I'm happier as a solo woman, but I understand that other women might have different journeys.
I love this post so so SO much!!! Self-acceptance and self-love are grossly underrated, especially with how much power it holds when it is women who are loving and accepting themselves. Self-acceptance and self-love do not mean you stop growing and evolving, but it means truly living for yourself AS your authentic self. I wish I knew you in real life (and many of the women here who have reached this level of self-actualisation), what an incredible friendship it would be. Your post needs to be pinned and made mandatory reading. Your energy and attitude are powerful and magnetic. You are not defeatist, but a realist with a healthy positive outlook on how you cannot change external factors, but instead look within. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for this post. Same here. I got so much calmer since I left my LVM-exboyfriend. I will never go back jumping trough hoops and pRoVe myself to men. I've done it for years and it caused me nothing but suffering. The costs are not worth the outcome.
Super appreciate this post!! I think it's gonna be a journey for me personally. When you fully decenter that may mean letting go of other wants or dreams like having kids or loving sex. Letting go of all that isn't impossible, but it is a process, a mourning process really. But burning down the fallacies allows us to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Love this for you! My mental health and wellbeing as also approved since decentering men. Being single is hard earned peace and if a man can’t maintain that peace and add on to it then he doesn’t deserve to even be a background character in your life
Your starting point is where I'm at right now. I'm really struggling to try and decenter them and move on from my last relationship. He was so horribly abusive and confirmed a lot of fears I have felt about myself. Some days are ok, but most are a struggle. It's been a while since I left, and I still can't seem to get past the hurt and pain. Everything you're saying is so right, and my rational brain knows this is right, but I can't seem to get past the emotional issues in order to fully grow and get better.
I truly hope I can be in your place of self-reflection one day. It feels near, but also so far beyond my grasp at the same time.
It’s been exactly 10 months now for me purely single (only went on one date and I noticed the red flags - thanks for FDS). But I haven’t dated anyone since or cared about being with any man to be honest. I noticed how peaceful, happy and joyful life is. I’m learning Salsa, attending networking events, joined a public speaking program twice a month and now looking into seeing if I can do Masters in a field I didn’t study in. I went on two vacations and had a blast. It’s just so much easier and more peaceful. I feel free to do whatever I want and be whoever I want regardless of any struggles life throws at me. I am honestly loving being single so I’m going to keep it this way ☺️😊
i felt this
This is a beautiful post, and I thank you for writing it. I think it says a lot that things improve for us when we remove men from our lives. Often, they only cause pain and trauma. I'm accepting that love might not be in the cards for me, that I might never find a man who loves me the way I need and deserve to be loved. That revelation has been liberating because it means I can focus on making my life as productive, meaningful, and enjoyable as I can with the time I have on this earth.
Fantastic job! I’m so pleased for you. A word of warning though - when you’re at your best like this it often attracts lowlife males who want to take you down a peg just because they can’t tolerate the idea of men not being the centre of women’s existence. Enjoy your successes but beware.
I’ve always been a good mom but centering men two years ago made me a much better mom. I had no idea how much mental and emotional energy I was wasting! Heck, time and physical energy and money too. Not to mention the small eyes and ears watching my example.