.png)
Hi ladies !
First I would like to say how grateful I am to have found FDS, finally a space that shares my values !
Wanted to ask advice about a pattern I have noticed in myself and would like to change
So basically I (early 30s) date extensively, and rarely meet a guy I am attracted to. But when I do (maybe once every 6 months), I am overwhelmed, very early on, by a deep urge to "take care of them". It's like I am hypnotised, and my mission becomes to "make them happy"
I have a very expressive face, and even if I try to hide it when I am with these guys, I can feel that my body language betrays me
It's so painful because I feel I have to repress a deep and natural need and I am so conflicted about even having to repress this.
I want to change this because this deep urge has been used against me every. single.time.
Am I the only one feeling this ?
I feel you with this comment and I just want to validate that there is nothing wrong with being a kind and caring person. And this is something I used to struggle with and used to provide “acts of service” for potential partners. What’s helped me is taking that energy towards myself-making elegant food for myself, giving myself massages and having an elaborate skincare routine. And especially taking myself out on dates. This has been a game changer for me by planning a weekly outing for myself. It has raised my standards and has helped with not being so easily impressed or being so giving towards men. And have others suggested finding a side job/volunteering or hobby that helps others. I work part-time with older adults and provide care to them. So a lot of that deep energy of caring is going towards people that need it. Now I don’t have any desire to provide for a man. I want a man who will support and provide for me so that I can have extra energy to provide for others (friends, family and community).
I’ve experienced this and fortunately it fades as you get older. It’s projection in the way that women usually do for others what they want done to them. Let me guess: you’d like him to take care of you, look at you deeply, be interested in you, anticipate needs, etc. because that’s what women are socialized to do, with everyone. Radical thought: take that energy away in dating and take really good, excellent care of yourself first and foremost. Forget getting that next level, devoted kind of attention from a man, and spoil yourself for a change. I think when you love yourself this fiercely, this loyally, this devotedly, you won't automatically fawn as a projection of how you'd like to be treated. You'll be leveled up and doing it for yourself first, and then attracting people who are worth your while. Those people know what mutuality and reciprocity mean, and their actions match their words.
Often it’s part of a trauma response called “fawning” which is a way of trying to prevent vulnerability and abuse by making ourselves needed. I used to do it because my mom would explode at anything quite violently and it made me feel safer or like I had more control of the situation. Not sure if that’s something you feel.
Get a pet ♥️
firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You didn't say there is, but i'm guessing maybe you think that. the problem is external and we all know what it is.
secondly, i think that maybe having a pet might help you. and you can also diret your care to yourself and to people who are not men/potential partners. you can be part of some charity initiative where you can care for people who actually need and appreciate being cared for. i'm pretty sure that would be much more gratifying.