Ladies, I just started dating a man about 2 months ago who is soon to be divorced (I know, I know). They share custody of two kids. Recently he told me he wants to rebuild his friendship with his ex (they started out as friends before dating and marrying). It's partly so that their kids can see their parents get along, but also because "she can be a really good friend," whatever that means. His goal is to be friends with her, not just in a group setting but doing one-on-one things, and they plan to do family counseling with the kids. This is a woman who he claims has done some really horrible things to him in the past in their relationship (infidelity, emotional and even physical abuse), and he fully admits they have a trauma bond that needs to be "healed." I don't worry that he has any romantic/sexual feeling for her; I just don't think he should be trying to build a relationship with me in tandem with repairing the one with his ex, while also trying to raise kids. He is in individual therapy (the only reason I gave him a chance in the first place) and I do believe he's not simply looking for me to be a mommy mcbang maid or his therapist. But I also feels like all of this is getting really weird and some firm boundaries need to be created. He's hinting at me meeting her, I think because he thinks that meeting her would show me that I have nothing to worry about. But I've flat out refused- it's way too early and I really have no reason to meet her unless/when he's ready to introduce me to his kids. And it's one thing to be friendly and cordial with an ex, especially when you have kids, but friends? Maybe our definitions of friendships are different. They've known each other since high school and went through a lot of stuff together, but they're not at the point anymore. People move on, and sometimes that means letting go. Anyway, I'd appreciate any perspective and advice anyone can provide about this. Thanks, ladies!
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He claimed physical abuse. Run. Lundy Bancroft said it’s highly unlikely that’s the truth and men who say it are actually the abuser.
Sorry to be blunt, but please just find a guy who doesn't have these issues. They are out there. Or be single. Nothing sounds worth this nightmare, let alone some man who is trying to triangulate you with his ex wife. If you don't leave now you're going to find yourself stewing in his drama-world and all the negative emotional baggage that entails. Do you really want that energy in your life?
Wanting a new girlfriend (2 months of dating) to meet an ex-wife seems like a strange type of future-faking. Sorry, but how does he even know it is going to work out with you? How does he know that you aren't crazy, before introducing you to his family/ex-wife?
One on one hangs is super weird. The whole thing seems like grooming for an affair to me. I'd nope out.
You're only giving him a chance because he's in therapy? Girl...your gut is telling you, just listen in!
Yikes. Whatever bothers you now will most certainly be an issue later. This I've learned. And bythen you’ll have real feelings and your judgment will be skewed and you won’t know when to walk away. Divorce is messy and emotional—even when both ppl want it. He needs time to heal and process. Don’t get involved in this drama.
You do know that you'll never be competition to his wife, right? The fact that this woman allegedly traumatized him but he still wants to be friends with her clearly means that his wife will come first, especially since they have children. I don't know how old are you but can you not date men that have none of this issues?😅 Seriously, they're out there.
The fact that you only gave this dude a chance because he was in therapy is worrying. Is that easy? They just need to be semi decent, pay for therapy and they'll have you there giving them opportunities to pull out this ex wife bs? Girl...
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I personally believe what he said is the reverse. He is probably the physically abusive one and she is one stuck in a trauma bond and needs healing. Run for your life. This is your gut telling you something so listen to it. Honestly block and delete without saying anything. You don’t even know him. Why are you exclusive with a man you just met two months ago? That’s way too soon. 🚩
Read your post back to yourself. Shelve your emotional investment for a moment and actively read through your post with a level head. See all the mental gymnastics you’re doing to justify this males obviously manipulative behaviour? If the situation were reversed, he would not jump through these hoops for you. Be real with yourself. Is this the life you truly want to live? To be a stepmother and always be his THIRD priority. I say third because his children come first, then the mother of his children comes second, and then it’s you. Really think that through. You want that for yourself? Please have some self-respect and date a male who has a handle on his self-management strategies, has strong boundaries and is emotionally intelligent, and if he’s engaging in therapy, it’s quiet self-improvement.
The whole situation seems like a nightmare and only one step away from “my crazy ex wife”. Most of what he is telling you about her is probably a projection of what he did or is her reactionary behaviours to his crappy treatment. If she really did all those things, he wouldn’t/couldn’t want to be friends with her. If I was in your situation I’d tell him that you two need to take a break while he finalises his divorce and emotional state. Check back in a year or so. FDS strongly recommends against single dads because they automatically come with strings and/or red flags.
This post gives me bad vibes. I would break things off with him as soon as possible if I were you. He doesn't need to be dating new people right now when we has so much extra baggage it sounds like!
Been there - done that: He is playing you. He will use you for sex and to get over the break up with her. You are only there to fill the deep black hole and emptiness that comes with divorce. Remember, men always need another woman lined back up. As soon as things start getting better with his ex wife, he will eventually cheat on you or dump you because he now has his family life back and can do what ever he wants with what ever woman, because he isn't even married anymore. Run.
No he is triangulating, trauma dumping, and roping you into his dirty mess. Being alone is better than what ever the hell he has going on.
You posting here gives you the answer you're looking for. You're uncomfortable with him being close friends with his ex wife. Rightfully so.
I'd break things off.
I wouldnt ask him to choose between her and you. He already knows that he would want to be friends with her.
I feel like he would want to rekindle with her. Why else do one on one activities together?
I've been married twice and I wouldn't dream of even spending time with my exes. They're exes for a reason...
It's always a huge red flag when a man claims that an ex is so horrible towards him but he can still be friends with her despite it all. Sorry but I don't buy it. A real victim of violence would be terrified to be friends with their abusers, let alone speak with them at all.
This is why it is highly advisable to never date men who are in the process of getting a divorce or has only been divorced for less than a year. Divorce, especially with children involved, is a huge life changing event and a very painful time to go through for everybody involved. He is in not in a good state of mind to be dating you or any other woman at this time.
Would not surprise me if they tried to reconcile later on. That's how it always starts, "Let's become friends."
I've been in this exact same situation. Sorry sis, you are being used.
He told you he wants you to meet his wife for 3 reasons:
So that when he discards you after using you for sex, he can say that he was "transparent" about how he still likes her and wants to be with her and you have no right to be upset. In his twisted little bird brain, this is his concept of "honesty";
To triangulate between you because he is a narcissist, which also includes feeling like he has a harem fighting over him, which frankly he now does; and
He's entertaining the idea of a threesome with both of you, and the wife is probably open to it since they have now "opened the marriage" and she is a "cool girl." He may or may not have told you this creepy sex part yet.
If he wanted to be divorced from her, he would get divorced from her. How soon is "soon to be divorced"? What paperwork is he able to physically show you hard copies of? How many times has he met with his lawyer? What happened at his most recent court date? Ask for this information and be weary of lies.
This is a common thing married men do, and this one chose you to do it to. They have no intention of leaving their wives or ever getting divorced. He's going to use you for sex and as an emotional crutch and then discard you the instant you start nicely calling him on his shit.
This just sounds weird. He has some stuff to figure out and you don't want to be caught in this.
A. You do not trust him because you are involved with a married man. If he isn't divorced, then he is still married. Always run from people who create "gray areas".
Your gut tells you there is no future with him because your future with him is constant doubt that he is "single" when he feels like it, not like when he promised in front of the law or with a legally binding contract.
B. You observe people's behavior and if it does not work for you, you leave. That he is even making this ridiculous request of you speaks volumes about his lack of boundaries (see A). You could say, "No." but you know he is going to make you feel bad or manipulate you or choose his wife. Yes, those feel bad. But rip the band aid off now.
C. It is normal that you are confused. He is a masterful manipulator. (I just got lucky in that I was groomed to avoid married men.)
He’s trying to triangulate you with her. He wants to use you to hurt her. Also, there’s no way she physically abused him, more likely the reverse. Block and delete.