.png)
Rant about my ex:
Post-breakup, I started having lower moments where I wondered how much of the relationship ending was because of me. Not in the sense that I thought I should have tried harder or tried something different, because I do know that I exhausted all my options.
But I wondered, what was inherently wrong with me that I just wasn't enough for him? If I was different, if I was someone else, if I was more beautiful or more interesting or had a completely different personality, would he have tried harder? Would he have wanted to try? Would he have actually changed his behavior for me? And I know that's not something I could have ever done anything about, but it felt bad nonetheless.
Then I realized: He was happiest with the version of me that required almost no effort from him. When I was someone who didn't make him think about difficult things, question things, or examine things. When I was someone who didn't ask for anything from him and never expressed my needs or wants. When I was someone who was willing to settle for nothing and never look to better either of us.
Our relationship ending was not because I didn't have the "correct" body or personality for him; it was because I became someone who refused to let him coast any longer.
He always wanted to get to a point where he could put in the lowest possible amount of effort. He put in a huge effort when he was first trying to get me to date him. I finally agreed, he claimed he "won" (his exact words which he repeated countless times), and near immediately abandoned all said efforts.
There's no reason for me to think it would be different with a "woman who's better suited for him". He just doesn't want to put in effort if he can help it at all.
The only woman who could get his effort continuously is just someone who enforces consequences when he stops. It will never be because he himself continuously desires to put in the effort. It will not be internally motivated.
My consequence for him was dumping him, and I no longer want his effort at all. Good riddance, bye!!
yep, men only want women who are "easy to please". all the woman has to be is his therapist, mom, bangmaid aka the 60's stereotype. not much has changed except men are lazier when it comes to providing.
Yep. That's what we mean by "if he wanted to, he would". Some people seem to misunderstand this phrase as "he will do all the amazing movie-worthy things for you 24/7 without being asked". No, it just means that he will make an appropriate effort that meets your standards and can sustain a healthy relationship, by his own initiative, without being nudged or dragged. I tell you, coming from a very transactional relationship, I was shook when my now-bf one day just started taking out my trash, watering my flowers and emptying my dishwasher while I was in the shower, because he knew I still had to do those things, and he wanted to do them for me. He intrinsically likes feeling useful and making other people's lives easier, and seeing me happy and relaxed is his reward. At first, it was very hard to grasp, but that's only because we're not used to such treatment from men. We desperately need to raise the bar.
This is so true - immense relief when I ended it with the father of my 2 children. Soooo much begging that one night I actually burst out laughing when he’s telling me I ripped his heart out! Well Sir, you ripped mine out and stomped on it the previous 18 months. Bye boy. Onwards and upwards queens 🙌🏼
How long did it take for you to feel better from this break up? I’m in the same position as you stuck with a guy who is very transactional and thinks he “has me” now that we are in a relationship and he doesn’t have to impress me anymore