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Hi gyns. I am completely heartbroken right now. Please help me see things more clearly and get out of the despair I'm in.
This is going to be long, sorry.
I matched on Tinder with a guy in summer 2019. He didn't want to meet or talk on the phone, I thought that was weird but I was so naive and inexperienced at the time, I let it slide. Then I moved overseas for college so we never had the chance to meet but we kept talking to each other.
There was a lot of phone calls, texts, nudes, confiding in each other. He would always be the first to react at my stories, like my posts, he would offer to help me with my exams (for free) and do other stuff to help me. He was even thinking of moving to my city as an exchange student but I told him it was a bad idea.
This was in 2020, when he clearly cared more about me than I cared about him.
He would say things like "You are smart, funny, pretty, strong. You're perfect. You don't need anything more, but me by your side. You're my trophy"
Looking back, it was a red flag but I had low self-esteem and being love-bombed felt great at the time... That's when I fell in love with him.
From October 2020 to February 2021, we both had feelings for each other. It was great at first but by the end of it, my spirit and my heart were broken in a thousand pieces.
Why? Because he started comparing me to someone else, devaluing me in the process. He would say things like "I deserve to be with someone with a diploma from an elite university" which hurt me deeply. I went from his dream girl to not being enough.
He didn't want to help me anymore, he had less time to contact me and told me he'd be busy during summer and probably won't be able to see me.
Then I found out he had one follower on TikTok, a woman I've never heard of before. I did some research online and realised they went to the same university and were part of the same sports club.
I thought "maybe he got back with his ex and won't tell me" took the hint and went no contact by blocking his number and deactivating my social media so he wouldn't be able to contact me.
For an entire year, I tried to re build myself. I discovered FDS and started seeing a therapist.
Now. In November 2022, I reactivated my Instagram account and posted a story, which he reacted to.
He said he was in love with me in 2020-2021 and when I ghosted him, it broke his heart.
He said he missed me, that he sees me as one of his best friends (?) and never wanted to lose me again. He's also working overseas now. I'm in Europe, he's in Asia. Okay.
He started texting me all the time, calling me every day, super affectionate, asking for pictures, but this time I knew he was love-bombing me and I knew it wouldn't last. He proved me right.
In December 2022, he called me the day before Christmas. I called him out on a joke he made, he apologised, then we talked about random things for hours before he went to sleep.
He ghosted me the next day, for two weeks. During these two weeks, I asked if he could call me and he couldn't. The only time he reached out to me was January 1st, at 3AM to wish me a Happy New Year.
I did a little snooping and found out he was back in Europe for the holidays. He was with his friends partying back home and didn't tell me. He could've called me anytime, since we were on the same timezone. He simply didn't want to.
Well, when he went back to Asia, he started texting me daily again. I didn't respond to any of his texts because I was mad at him. Then he called me, I picked up and told him I knew he lied to me.
That's when he told me the entire truth: he's been in a relationship since late 2018 and he didn't want to tell me out of fear of losing me.
He basically said he didn't want to meet in summer 2021 because he had strong feelings for me and didn't want to risk choosing me over her. He said it would've hurt him too much to see her (the girlfriend) with another man and she was his property. He also said he was satisfied with the relationship so why get out of his comfort zone.
I was so shocked and dizzy, I thought I was going to pass out. The man I was in love with, was in a committed relationship for the entire time. I don't know what to feel. Betrayed, sad, angry?
I asked him "why would you tell this to me now" and he said he felt bad lying to me because he deeply cared about me as a friend, especially since I told him once that "Friends communicate clearly with each other" and it stayed in his mind.
He also said that I was the only person who knew all his secrets. It's true, I know all about his family, his chronic disease, how he was SA as a child and lately him being a cheater, amongst other things...
He asked me if I was going to cut him off and if I was feeling vengeful... I said I needed some time to think about it.
So here I am now, completely heartbroken. Hurt that he could see me with another man but not her. I know it says nothing about my worth and she is not my competition but it hurts.
Hurt that he let things go this far, for us to fall in love with each other, when he knew deep down he wouldn't leave. Honestly, if I knew she existed I would have never talked to him.
Even in my pick-me days, I would have never matched with him on Tinder. He blindsided me, played me like a fool.
And now he wants us to stay close friends. I still care about him and he knows it. He still cares about me too, simply not in a romantic way. I used to think he was a narcissist, but would a narcissist be able to feel bad about leading me on? He said he could've said nothing but he didn't want to hurt me.
How is it possible for him to be loved by everyone, he's so kind, helpful, charismatic, he even softens his voice around his family I've noticed it... But I've seen the worst of him in 2021. He's capable of being an awful person. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself.
How could I hate him when he seems sincere? If he was a narcissist, would he even care about his girlfriend? I mean, he chose not to take things further with me. He said it was because he didn't want to see her with someone else and was happy in his relationship. But how can you be happy and you're still cheating???
He basically said it was a mistake falling in and out of love with someone else and he regretted hurting me, but he had no problem talking about sex and sleeping with other people despite being in a relationship.
He probably already did.
Honestly, what should I do? My therapist said I shouldn't expose him to his girlfriend. She said I had no right to hurt her and that I should be kind. Now I feel like the bad guy for even thinking of doing it.
But my friends who've been cheated on, all told me I should let the girlfriend know.
What should I do? Part of me feels like he can't get away with it, but I hesitate doing it because I'm not sure I want to lose him. I know it will break my heart all over again because of my abandonment issues and I'm too vulnerable atm to go through that pain again.
Is he a good guy? Is he a monster? If he's a narcissist, why do I have the impression he's capable of caring about other people? Me, his girlfriend?
He once said he didn't want to leave religion even though he didn't believe in it, because it felt like betraying his family and as long as it wasn't harming him, he was fine with the status quo... It stick with me.
Does he think the same about our friendship? His couple?
Could you please help me see things more clearly... ? I don't even know what to do, think or feel anymore. 😓
Edit:typo
Tell the gf
Change therapist
Block and delete that guy
He is garbage👎not nice or caring. That is just a facade.
You're not bad, you've just been manipulated to a great level.
you keep saying he was in love with you and you guys were in love with each other but i think you need to accept that he wanted attention and you were easily available. he did not and never did love you. he is a bad person.
As a few others stated, it seems you never met this man in real life. If that is true, you may need to do some serious inner work to address how you got so wrapped up in the fantasy of a relationship that did not exist. I think this could even be connected to limerence. Please refer to my post about it. It's in my post history. You do not know this man. No matter how much you've texted or talked. He filled some kind of unmet need in your life. Whether he is a narcissist or whatever does not matter. The why doesn't matter. Free yourself now and cut all contact and begin to heal. You deserve a REAL relationship with a man who loves, respects, and shows up for you every day. The internet makes us think we know people. I get it. It's very powerful to have a man share vulnerable things with you, open up about his life and feelings. But you know an edited, curated, imaginary version of him, not who he is in everyday life. You must address how you got drawn into this dynamic and you must take steps to heal, build your self-worth, and let this man go. He can't love you or meet your needs or be a friend to you. Put yourself first and move on.
First, your therapist sucks. Be kind? You are being kind for telling his girlfriend the truth. She deserves to know he is a cheating scumbag and what he's doing. Exposing his behaviour (if it's safe to do so) would be the kind thing to do. Think about how his girlfriend could avoid STDs, being in a bad marriage etc. On the other hand, your therapist is shitty for invalidating your experience and feelings. Why is she more concerned about whether his girlfriend is getting hurt versus YOU actually being hurt? Why the hell is she making you feel bad for calling out his behavior? Your therapist seems to be a pickme by not calling him out. In fact, she is covering it up and therefore enabling the behavior. What kind of therapist encourages this?
Second, he is a monster. Anyone can pretend to care. If he REALLY cared for you or his girlfriend he wouldn't cheat in the first place. So again, yes he is a monster. He's pretending to be good by "admitting" to his behavior, because he knows you are soft hearted. He knows your weakness.
Last, I'm really sorry this happened to you. You deserve more than this monster. Please give yourself time to process the emotions, and then slowly make sense of what's happening. In the mean time, cut him off. There is no point in being friends with him. Friends don't hurt friends. In fact, any good or decent person would not hurt someone else. He hurt you. You can't expect someone who hurt you to be in your healing journey as well. Please believe that you deserve to be treated well. A hundred times better what you have experienced. Please be gentle and kind with yourself. Perhaps with little acts of self love everyday.
Don't be sorry for sharing your story. You are brave for taking the first step to ask for advice. You can do it. You can and will overcome this. We are all rooting for you.
He’s for the trash can. And fyi, narcs PRETEND to have feelings but in reality they only care about themselves. When you disappear they come after you bc they need to believe that no one can resist them. When they get you back, they devalue again and leave bc they think you’re stupid for falling for their tricks. It’s a circular mess that will never stop.
You need to believe his feelings were real bc the alternative is heartbreaking. I get it. But you have to accept he’s a POS and take comfort in knowing that you went into it with the best intentions. The best way to hurt a narc is to cut off all contact. They can’t live without affirmation of their greatness. Block and delte—don’t even bother telling him to fk off.
Contrary to popular belief, men don’t have to be narcissists or have a cluster B personality disorder to be deceptive, selfish and misogynistic.
He CAN care. He CAN legitimately feel guilty.
That doesn’t mean you ought to keep talking to him. He purposely deceived and hurt you for selfish reasons and because he doesn’t see women as people but as objects to be owned.
Lundy Bancroft says in his book that most domestic abusers are just normal, average guys who were brought up believing women are lesser and women are objects.
He did what he did because he wanted female attention and because he was able to get away with it.
You DO want to lose him. It’s going to be hard for awhile but it will get better. You’ll eventually get over him.
Wait. You never met in person? You were not in a relationship. You were manipulated pretty bad and living a delusional lie. But you were a digital “other woman”. Sorry that happened to you. But you were never in a relationship and existed as this scrote’s online validation and instant gratification dispenser.
Strongly recommend you give the Handbook a read. Seems like you’ve got super low self-esteem if you’re won over this easily by texts, calls, and “likes”. Talk is cheap and easy hun, this man has not demonstrated any actual actions. Please raise your standards and have some self-respect.
Girl he’s a monster and you are gaslighting yourself if you think he is anything close to a good or kind man. He sounds downright cruel. Cheating is a mean, mean thing. Also, this man is clearly a misogynistic asshole, he’s negative value scum. Block and delete after you tell his gf what he’s done. She shouldn’t have to be blindsided by him when you can be honest.
I know you loved him, but you gotta wake up because he’s playing you. Cheaters will always cheat, they’re not good people. He views women as objects to own, not people to respect. He is possessive of his gf, not in love with her. He is hoarding her from men who could actually love her bc he’s a selfish, evil, cruel man. It’s not the same thing. If he loved her, respected her, and was genuinely a kind and generous man, he’d never have cheated on her with you in the first place. Good men don’t act like that. Ever.
Also, your therapist is trash. Get a new one.
Do not ever start a long distance "relationship" ever again. You cannot be in love if you're not together in person. Love is a series of actions and devotions. You cannot have a relationship over the internet, text, or phone. Please realize that every man who's chatting to you long distance has a wife or a girlfriend that he's ignoring when he gets into fantasy land with you. You sound young, so it's time you learned the predatory nature of men and get out of delusional, romantic thinking. You do not love him nor does he love you. You have no reason to love him. He's not earned your love or respect. Please block this asshole and never get into this type of situation again.
Years ago, I was head over heels for a guy who hid the fact that he was in a committed relationship with another woman. When I found out, I was absolutely devastated. I seriously thought that we would be together because I loved him so much.
Looking back, I realized that I wasted time on a man who didn’t even love me. He just loved what he was able to get out of me. That said, I had to accept the reality that men will say anything to get what they want, including, "I love you".
My only advice here is to block and never look back. He's shown you his true colors and you can't make him change. And, no matter how much heartache this has caused, please remember that time truly does heal all. Wish you the best!
Sorry you were preyed on and exposed to disease by a cheater. One can only imagine what he gets up to while traveling in Asia.
Get tested full panel for STDs, and please for your sanity block and delete him everywhere immediately. He has gotten in your head to the point you are taking his lying words seriously and are projecting your good genuine nature on to him.
Echoing everyone else here to cancel all future appointments with your horrible abuse-promoting therapist.
You are not the only smart, sweet woman to get played like this by a type of “Tinder Swindler,” sis! In time you can look back and see what caused you to override your initial block of this monster. Sounds like you have limerence for him and are dealing with a lingering trauma bond created by his intermittent reinforcement of you. Big hugs and good for you for not being in denial about the monster he is!!!
Oh sweet heart, I am so sorry you had to meet a trashy cheating lying piece of shit. I’m also sure you don’t love him and he doesn’t love you. You probably loved the attention he gave you and how he treated you sometimes but the push and pull can be addicting and very harmful. This happened to me too. I was seeing someone who was separated from his ex in the process of divorce to find out a year later that they are still together and she is pregnant with baby #3 … luckily I didn’t sleep with him but found out that he cheated on her 12 times and she sent me very disturbing messages between him and other women online. He is definitely a rapist so I dodged a bullet but she found out about me and his sister did (she was a far friend), and guess who took the hit? I did 🤣 I’m the home wrecker apparently and she is still with him … that’s her punishment and I don’t feel sorry for her one bit. Their kids are all girls … they are going to be screwed up and abused and the pickiest of pick mes.
Tell the gf, who cares what she does … there was a saying by a poet to his daughter and he told her “If anyone threatens you to release something about you or a secret, release it yourself”.
Edit to add - block and delete everywhere!!
Sorry but did you ever meet in real life? Maybe I missed something from your post, but it seems like you didn't. If that's the case, I would ask myself why did I entertain a fantasy relationship for years. He is the worst and you should just block him, however I don't understand how you got so emotionally involved in the first place with someone who always refused to meet you. It's not just that he lied to you, he never provided anything real since you've never met. I know it's tough but whatever you felt you had with him was not real. Which is hard to process, I understand, but on the other hand, please realize you're not losing as much as you think you're losing.
If he truly loved either of you, he would have never betrayed you both IMO. Him calling his gf his "property" concerns me, as it sounds like he isn't even hiding he thinks of women as objects. I'm sorry. Just because the feelings were real for you doesn't mean they were there for him, or that his feelings had the same intentions. Long distance relationships are easy for us to fill in the gaps with fantasy and projection of how "good" the other person is. There are so many better men out there. He sounds like he liked the attention, and basically lashed out at you with negging (an elite university, seriously??) instead of respectfully, honestly communicating with you like an adult. It's not your fault he acted this way, but I must say it sounded like he only gave crumbs :(
As for telling the gf about this, it's going to be your decision. What would you want if you were the gf? What decision could you live with?
Please be kind to yourself . I think a lot of us would be confused in response to hot and cold, manipulative behavior like this. It doesn't matter what he thinks or doesn't think, because his behavior is unacceptable.
Men who cheat are scum. If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. Block. Delete. Msg the girlfriend. Move on. Enjoy your amazing life and live it to the full without this toxic deadweight.
Hi, I just want to say when it comes to men, look at his actions instead of his words. Words are cheap. He said he love you in so many set of sentences but never made the effort to see you? He said he love his girlfriend but cheated on her anyway? It's quite obvious when you apply this mindset that none of his words are true. Wishing you a smooth recovery from this, and to look forward for a better life after 💕
Hey hun.
Please immediately block and delete him.
Never take any online relationship past a talking stage. If he wants more, make him come meet you and date you. Never send nudes to anyone, let alone a long distance guy on the internet. I tell you this from experience and a place of compassion and not to scold you.
When any relationship is over, do not remain friends. Men suggest the "friendship thing in order to keep you hooked on them and to boost their own ego, believing they could still have you if they wanted. When someone breaks up, say goodbye and don't look back. I can imagine the things he has said to you to make you believe he cares when what he has done in reality is screwed with your heart and mind with no intent to ever become real. This man is a sociopath. Please believe me, they walk among us. He is enjoying the pain he is causing you while pretending he cares in order to keep you hooked. It's all for his ego.
It may take time, but one day you will realize it was all an illusion and he was not the good caring guy you thought he was.
If you tell the girlfriend, ask that she confront him without mentioning you. I say this bc you have sent him nudes, and now he has that leverage against you if he wants to harm you. Maybe get his name and address before breaking contact...you can tell him you need to step away to heal but want to keep in touch occasionally and would like to send birthday cards. Then you have his info if you need to sue or take legal action. And do this before telling the gf. After that be silent/ghost.