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I'm sorry if this comes off as ignorant, as I've only started practicing FDS-style dating.
So basically, I met a guy who passed my initial vetting processes. He has pursued consistently, planned thoughtful dates, our values seem to align, no particular red flags in sight... Until he made a few comments which rubbed me the wrong way. I'm vegan, and we were having a discussion about finding vegan options in our city. He mentions how his ex is also vegan and that she also holds X belief about veganism. I have a nose piercing, and he commented that his ex has the same piercing. Those comments were pretty brief, he didn't elaborate or anything. Otherwise, things are generally going well, but I'm treading very carefully and have avoided getting emotionally invested so far.
I would like some FDS wisdom regarding this situation. Is this necessarily a big red flag ?
My abusive ex found someone that looked exactly like me. Took her to all the places he took me. It's so fucked up. It's what they do. Trust your gut. Nobody is nicer than a man trying to sleep with you
Besides the fact that it’s creepy and distasteful for him to compare you to his ex, the fact that he is saying this to your face is triangulation. This could escalate to making you feel insecure about wanting to “live up to her” or be “just like her”/“not like her.” We all have thoughts cross our minds about our exes, but I believe a HV person never mentions their ex to their current partner unless it is extremely relevant and important information. Casually comparing you two in conversation is vile, rude, and LV!
"You're so much alike but I chose YOU!" There's no real reason why he needs to bring up an ex, honestly. Sounds like he still may not be over her.
He is trying to replace her with you. Unhealthy and creepy.
Update:
Thank you all for taking the time to reply ❤️
Your comments are definitely right, he's either not over his ex (potentially to the extent where he's looking to "replace" her) or attempting to neg/triangulate. When I woke up this morning I read the comments, and I reflected on the situation. I realized that during our last conversation, he also covertly negged me about a couple of other things. He's been increasingly giving me the ick and I honestly don't want to stay and find out how much worse it could get.
I just blocked/deleted him. There's little chance I will run into him in person, so hopefully I won't have to deal with him again. I'm a bit disappointed because he initially displayed a lot of HV traits (is currently doing a well-paid apprenticeship in law, is also into fitness and works out regularly, we have a lot of common interests, he initially seemed to take genuine interest, treated me well and put effort into our dates etc...). But I'm more relieved than anything after blocking him.
I don't think I would've been able to cut him off as quickly (or at all) before FDS. Very grateful for FDS and you queens !!
Edit: just came back from a concert that was amazing and spent the day with friends, who needs scrotes when life's that good
There’s no need to bring up an ex, especially not early on in the dating phase.
I feel like this guy’s type is vegan Barbie. He’s looking for a certain type and you’re hitting the right spots with your piercing, being vegan etc.
I was married before and although I’ve never saw my ex husband again (he lives on the other side of the world) I saw on SM that he married again and the woman looks literally like my twin.
It’s so creepy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he treats her just like he used to treat me (badly)
Run, girl, run!
I don’t like it.
I'm definitely feeling icky about this. Maybe try telling him "no" a few times (just pick something random to reject), and see if he fights you on it or shuts down. It may be a coincidence, but the odds are not in your favor.
It’s good you’ve had a great dating experience but him bringing up his ex like that is a red flag.
I hate when a guy has to drop in references to exs. Especially if it isn’t necessary. Like sure, if I ask a man about a divorce or kids etc he needs to mention his ex. But it seems to me that men who can’t stop bringing up ex girlfriends/female best friends are either insecure and trying to impress me with all the women who were willing to date/be friends with them, are not over their ex/wish their female friend would be their girlfriend, or are just immature and don’t realize it is very rude. I’ve experienced all three. None are good. If I was being nice, I might say, “oh, are you saying you have a certain type you are attracted to? Do you want to discuss and explore this more because I’m not sure why you’re telling me this.” Or if I were being more assertive I would say “are you comparing me to other women? We are both unique individuals and I don’t want to hear you comparing me to her again” or just leave him, no discussion needed. I’m jumping to conclusions here… but do you literally want to be stuck long term with a dude who compares you like this in his mind? Like what about when you’re 60 and he is still talking about the 19 year old he dated in college? Men like that are pathetic and unhealthy. I know I want someone who is able to move on from the past and appreciate me for me. Not me compared to everyone else.
He's bringing her up because she is still on his mind. Next him.
i had a guy do this and he ended up being crazy so i ghosted him. you don’t need to deal with broken males. they need to fix their traumas instead of filling voids through women
If you're comfortable in forever living under his ex's shadows, then go ahead. But if you want a man who has eyes for you and you only, you know what to do.
I think it's fine. Continue vetting and being cautious. Some people just have types. I'm vegan and I dated a guy who told me that his ex was vegetarian and he met her at a vegan faire. But that's according to my standards.
If it bothered you enough to post, I would bring it up to him and use this opportunity to assert a boundary. His response will tell you a lot. Watch out for gaslighting and negging.