.png)
Like the superficial sexual attraction is there, but I feel like that's not enough to start a relationship. I want to connect with someone, both emotionally and mentally. And physical attraction is important to me. So it's been a few years now, and I can't seem to find anyone who is the type of person I'm looking for. It's gotten to the point I started doubting my own sexuality (thinking I might be asexual). But then, I do experience sexual attraction. But all attraction instantly evaporates when I see this person behave in ways that are unattractive to me. Like if he has bad table manners, no matter how attractive he looks, I lose all attraction to him, and can't consider him as boyfriend material (although I still think he's hot, and possibly would want to sleep with him as a one-time thing only).
There's a lot of different things that can turn me off a guy I find cute. Because by now I know exactly what I want out of a relationship. So I can tell when the guy is unsuited for that. I'm not attracted to dominant men (stereotypical masculine behaviors and features). That is a big turn off for me. I don't like the big muscled dudes. I'm not charmed by men ordering for me, making decisions for me, showing off their strength in front of me. When a guy shows off his skill in front of me, I want to compete. I go into that mindset. Him showing off his mental prowess or physical sports abilities does not warm nor 'soften my heart' nor impress me. It makes me see him as a rival, not a lover. And I enjoy the competition, but I'm turned off by him romantically if he always wins. I don't want to be with a guy who is better than me at everything.
When a guy I previously liked, suddenly starts actively pursuing me, (the way men do)... I lose all interest. Instant turn off.
I prefer to do the pursuing (sending roses, love letters, chocolates, asking him out, taking him out...).
It's not from a position of "low self esteem". I genuinely enjoy being the one in charge and the dominant "masculine" partner in a relationship. People don't understand this and tell me "I need therapy". But this is who I naturally am. This is me. This feels natural to me, and I don't like being courted. I like doing the courting.
I like "feminine" people. And there is very little understanding for this... Friends don't understand, and they think there's something wrong with me. But I think there's nothing wrong with who I am. I just feel unsupported and unaccepted for who I am. Everyone keeps telling me to "change", as if there is something wrong with not being submissive and doormat-like as a woman. I don't want to change. I don't feel that my womanhood means I must act a certain way. That feels unnatural to me. That feels fake, and like giving in to peer pressure. Behaving a certain way just because "women are supposed to (act that way)". That sounds incredibly sexist to me. And I don't want to be fake around my intimate partner. I want to have a real partnership based on trust and mutual understanding.
So I have ended several unsupportive friendships that were draining me. Because those "friends" were very controlling. They kept pushing this narrative that I have to be a certain way, just because I was born female. I have no need for "friends" such as these.
Then I keep running into these feminine guys who are ashamed of their own femininity. (Unlike me,) they have not (yet) accepted the fact that they are "gender non-conforming" (not behaving in ways that are expected of their sex). And that they feel naturally attracted to more masculine people (people like me). So... while they express an interest in me, in dating me... they also insist upon "being the man in the relationship". Which quite frankly looks ridiculous to me when "Honey, I asked you out, I picked the venue, and I'm paying. You are not the more dominant partner in this relationship. And that's okay. You don't have to be." ....But these men actually feel ashamed of who they are, ashamed of the fact they are attracted to me, ashamed of the fact they like being courted by me...... And I don't. I don't feel any shame. So this leads to weird dynamics and conversations with men that don't even lead to the first date.
One guy I cut off without even meeting him. We talked online and planned to meet, but... he was acting so weird that I understood there was no point in pursuing anything with him. (He has his own issues to deal with.)
Later I had a semi-crush on a male friend who... whaddaya know, has similar issues with shame and is unable to accept himself. (This is the guy friend who was actively pushing the narrative that I am somehow "damaged" and I need to "embrace my femininity". He refused to accept any factual evidence that points to the contrary. He is also now involved in a weird new-age cult led by a narcissistic man... I stopped talking to him months ago.)
In a world where femininity is so stigmatized, and feminine men are so ashamed of who they are, they can't even come to a place of healthy self acceptance.... Is it even possible to find a mentally healthy feminine man to date? Like I don't see any. There's plenty of mentally healthy masculine men out there... But I am not attracted to them (beyond the thought of having one night together: the attraction is purely sexual... only lust and nothing else). Their behaviors and mannerisms repulse me (romantically). I can't consider them as serious romantic partners because I don't want to be "taken" by a man. The very thought of it has never turned me on, in any way, shape, or form.
Sorry for the rant.... I'm just trying to make sense of all this.
This might sound idiotic to some of you. But I cannot believe that I am the only woman who feels this way. At this point I'm just exhausted and don't see anyone I want to date. (When I say date, I mean have romantic outings, conversations with, practice sports together, partake in shared hobbies.... without having sex.) There are men I feel sexually drawn to, ......but I don't feel any desire to date them.
Where do I go from here? 😅☺️ Asexual lifestyle for the next 5+ years? Try dating women? (I am bisexual.) But... every time I have a crush on a woman (or even like a woman that way), ......she turns out to be straight. 😂🤣
Sis, I’m going to be real with you. I don’t know if you’re comfortable with it or not, but I don’t think you’re attracted to men at all and you’re probably burnt out from forcing yourself to be. You may find them physically attractive at times, but that doesn’t mean you’re attracted on a deeper level, you’re just acknowledging a conventionally attractive person.
I know women who came out as lesbian later in life, and what they all had in common was saying that it just always felt wrong to be with a man but they couldn’t quite figure out why. So they would internalise and rip themselves apart. Then one day they come across a woman who makes everything click for them, and thus began their self-acceptance journey. Acknowledging one’s sexual orientation is portrayed as obvious in media, however, sometimes it’s a slow struggle as it might clash with internal values, goals, and beliefs.
I would suggest reading Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed. It might help validate your feelings around wanting to live authentically as well as what it’s like realising your sexual orientation later in life.
Omg I totally get this. I had a really difficult past few years and a long depressive slump where I also had to be intellectually high functioning, and I was so so exhausted I lost all sexual desire. Like my libido slumped to zero. It didn’t help that no attractive or kind desirable scrotes were in my life. I worried I was asexual. Butnof course I’m not lol. It may help to take a complete indefinite break until you feel better. That worked for me. I also had this same sort of repulsion or apathy to ‘attractive’ men. It’s normal. I think the millennials call it an “ick” lol. And boy have I had many of those. My first vivid one was this guy who was courting me in my early 20’s. We were in a moving car, and he wound down the window and spat outside the car. Of course the wind caused the thick glob of phlegm to stick to my the side of the passenger window. So sorry for sharing this gross memory but imagine my repulsion. If I were a cartoon character I’d have turned green with how sickened I felt. He never saw me again. I’ve experienced other icks from men and I don’t question it. I don’t want to find out more disgusting habits. There was this guy that would spoon his ice cream, lick a bit off the top, before licking the melty mess off the spoon for the second time. Ick.
In terms of dating dynamics I’m the opposite. I’m turned off by males who I even perceive want to be pursued. I’m repulsed by straight male prima-donnas lol. I even resent them if I have to make even a tiny bit of effort. It hovers in my mind dispelling my attraction until I inevitably lose interest.
I require worship to stay actively engaged and stimulated.😕 very few make it to the roster
It can be pretty tough. I haven't really come across people I'd want to date either (I'm pretty "young" though), with men it's mainly "the lack of quality" and with women, it's mainly the lack of availability (such as them being straight, polyamorous or in a relationship). I can only recall one person I actually would've wanted to date, who was a woman, but I didn't want to make a move and risk losing our friendship. Frankly, I'm not sure if there's that much to do about it. Of course, you can seek out women looking for a relationship with women or hope that you'd meet a HVM, but it's also okay to recognise that it could be hard.
My jaw dropped while reading this, I relate to everything you wrote, I never found a post more relatable.
I would try dating women.
I really liked this post! It’s cool to hear from a gender nonconforming woman who likes being dominant, and who’s seeking a feminine man. I pray God leads you to him! I’m not that religious but I feel like praying is appropriate because there’s nothing wrong with you or what you want, you are great for your particular way of knowing love and all you can do is be you and keep hope alive! If you were made this way, your match has to be out there! But I think you’re right that feminine men have it HARD in this society so finding a straight one who isn’t fucked up might be super hard. But that’s what you want and they DO exist. Maybe he’ll be bisexual. Maybe he’ll be a detransitioner worried THEY can’t find love because their way of being is too niche. And you will be the woman of their dreams because you’re strong and caring and cool! Sorry it’s lonely in the meantime. I’m more conventional but also worried it’s slim pickings out there for me. Feminine men are the best kind so it’s cool you’re attracted to that and I think it will pay off one day.